value life

 
cant help but have a take on this. isnt this signage scary to read? 

2005 and 2006

 
2005 ended with checking out leo's and car's new place. very banyang-tree resort feeeling, very nice and cosy.

2006 dint exactly start on a bright note. spore is small but staying in jurong makes going around really inconvenient. the family has upgraded to taking cabs when making family trips to places. but atlas, there wasnt any cab after a long wait. the drama that followed was very familiar; useless brother would be swearing and blaming everyone apart from himself; marmi would be praying for a miracle so that peace could be restored; dad would be making unhelpful comments. i was staring into space, breathing in the fresh crisp morning air, enjoying the scenary.

i definitely have issues with my brother. really hate the fact that he likes to blame others for things that dont go smoothly. he s such a whiner, not a problem-solver. crap. cant he just keep his mouth shut? 

reminder

attended a wake today. the death was sudden; no symptons or signs. he s the dad of a fellow sporean co-worker in ny so he flew back on receiving the news.

i hate news like that. lousy news. reminder for everyone to love those who love you; to love yourself. cos you do not know when the Lord will come knocking on the door.

i have this slip in my wallet that reads:
"Always and everywhere, a person should aim to live as if God was visibly present" ~ Saint Bonaventure

Indeed.

curls

 
they are so bouncy that it is fun to play with them. cant wait to put on my beanies. hopefully this solves the issue of flat hair during winter. 

craving #5: satisfied

 
not sure when i fell in love with dragonfruits. they are damn expensive in ny, so i havent had them in a while. they are a great help in my constipation issues. 

craving #4: satisfied

 
i dislike coconut milk and all products made of it. however this 9 layered keuh is an all-time favorite of mine.

is my life as colorful as it is? truly it is. im counting my blessings every moment, however small they are. 

craving #3: satisfied

 
heh makes a yummy christmas breakfast. i love it best with sugar, or even on its own. roti prata! 

craving #2: satisfied

daddy's style... yum

heh all these were consumed in the span of one morning, not to mention that i had bread with belgium chocolate and hazelnut spread and milk, a kopitiam-style kopi, one packet of carrot cake and followed by yong tau fu.

carrot cake

cant resist a second take on my favorite food.

calories skyrocketing!!!

craving #1: satisfied

carrot cake is my first love yum

waiting game

this was me bored at jfk. due to the strike, i tried to beat the traffic and got the shuttle to pick me up before 6, thus reaching the airport at 7 and waited for the next 4 hours for my flight.

great that the strike is finally over. it dint affect me since i could walk to work. gave me a nice excuse to go in late. 

gana sai

Grace S. Lim gana sai
Grace S. Lim just feel like swearing
Grace S. Lim how come so many comments for the narratives
Grace S. Lim they are all documented by himself last year
Grace S. Lim i improved them already!!!
Grace S. Lim gana sai
Bobby C. Tan hmm.... that means he's not good enuff rite? ;)
Grace S. Lim gana sai
Grace S. Lim damn sick
Grace S. Lim and his section, he asked me to update
Bobby C. Tan okie okie.... i then curse and swear...
Grace S. Lim as in he asked me to amend for him
Grace S. Lim there s MINIMAL comments for himself
Grace S. Lim gana sai
Grace S. Lim gana sai

good deed directly

went crazy shopping today, however not for myself. while taking the bus home, i got a seat and an old lady got up subsequently. she was using a cane and carrying a macy's bag. once she got on, she declared that she didnt need a seat cos she was getting off at the next stop. however, i stood up and offered her my seat. she smiled and sat down.

we got off at the same stop. while waiting to get off, she whispered to me, "thank you and thank your mum for teaching you such good manners." i whispered back, " i know... i love her."

good deed indirectly

i did a good deed, indirectly. lina bought a beef dinner for me. i dont like beef so i rejected it. on her way home, in the subway, a man was asking for food. so lina gave that dinner away. she commented that he ate away happily.

one up for grace :)

initiative

i always play this game with my brodie when we were younger. see who will carve in first. for e.g., if we quarrel and have a cold war, i wont want to talk to him till he talks to me first. and i think i almost always win.

fast foward 20 years later. but its not in relation to my brodie but with friends now. you know how sometimes you can be on msn the whole day but no one will talk to you. i dont think it s due to the fact that i am a miserable loner. but are friends playing the waiting game? like what i played with my brodie when we were young?

i dont like to have to try hard for things to work out. i can be nice and try for several times. like i ll take the initiative to ask about your day, ask how you are getting by lately. but if its going to be a one-way traffic, fuck off then. i will stop wasting your time.

there are also those friends who will only msg you with favors. on one hand, you can feel honored that they thought of you. on the flip side, just think that you are being made use of. like how t will almost only msg me when she needs favors. if not i wont hear from her.

head is aching from work!!!

tired

im so tired from working. worked the whole weekend. sat was 10am to 430pm, then 12am to 230am. sun was 130pm to 730pm. doesnt seem a lot but i feel so burnt out now. so today, im not functioning at all.

and i think i may have turned dumber. somehow i dont seem to be able to get work done on time for the different people. im so tired that i just want to walk out of office now. how now brown cow?

you know sometimes i miss you so much that i can barely stand it

~ jack twist, brokeback mountain

pile of shit

when i saw him again tonight after a long while, its the same feeling that i got previously. but ive become really good at hiding my emotions. at the highest level now. i can act non-chalent about things but its turmoil inside me. just like when i become dis-interested in things/ conversations, i can still look very attentive and engaged when i have totally switched off.

its just a weird feeling to have. he s not anyone dashing; pretty normal guy. but somehow, he attracts me. sad thing is that i dont see anyone, who is un-attached, like him around me. big sigh. i only know that i should stay away from him.

its a working weekend. happened to be following the blog of someone whom i was working for but have since left the company. he s very meticulous in keeping his blog, just falling short of updating the whole world about his interesting life each minute. so he s kinda leading a high life now; new career, fine dining, checking out cool places. on the flip side, i ll look at the 3 people, including me, taking over the engagement that he did not wrap up prior to leaving the firm. people who are clearing shit (that he left behind) till past midnight, burning weekends while he s checking out the colorful nyc.

im not sure, but he sure does put things into perspective for me. wat the fuck am i working so hard for???

socialized

i dont like to socialize in pubs and make small talks with strangers that i wont keep in touch with. just a waste of time and money. and now while waiting for my hair to dry at 138am in the morning, im just sulking away, thinking of the tons of shit that awaits me. it will really have to be my last busy season. i need to have a more balanced lifestyle because this job is screwing up my life totally.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Even when they are apart, they face the eternal questions of fidelity, commitment, and trust. Ultimately, the one constant in their lives is a force of nature – love.

I cant wait to watch this show.

SNOW

woah its finally fast and furious snow here!!!

if only its sat, i ll make my way to the central park to have a snowball fight.

life is like a box of sugar

was really intrigued by this container of sugar at babbo. there are cubes of white sugar, grains of raw sugar, packets of equal and lastly, sticks coated with brown sugar.

babbo was amazing, didnt know that the texture of the pasta can be that ____. try imagining it. i cant find the right word for it. and it got to be one of my longest dinner to date- 3 hrs. and this was without any wine. 

2005 snow

so it is finally snowing in nyc. woke up and heard people "scrapping" the floor. so i peered out of my window and i was right. the streets were covered with snow. a bit disappointed cos i wanted to be out and catch the first drop of snow. that happened for last year, we caught the first drop of snow while shopping on boxing day on 5th ave.

let it snow, let it snow. such a good excuse for me to not go in to office to work but tucked up nicely at home, but i wish i have someone who is impromptu enough like me to go out to play with the snow, at central park perhaps. 

perfect day

today is such a wonderful day.

i woke up at 7am and did work but i did not sulk cos i thought of all the activities lined up ahead.

first was to the gym with lily. the workout was great. the machine said that i burnt 503 calories. next we headed to clinton street baking company for brunch. i have decided that i was going to get their famous pancakes but while waiting, we were offered their pancakes, complete with its infamous warm maple butter. YUM. so i changed my mind and ordered buttermilk biscuit sandwich, and i could order my milkshake too, since it wouldnt have clashed with the sandwich, whilst it would have if i have the pancakes. YUM.

then it was retail theraphy. i swear i havent been shopping for a while and the famous (yet again) mistletoe which hangs across 5th ave is up. it was just unusually familiar cos i remembered that thing when i reached ny last year.

anyway, abercrombie & fitch has finally opened. we checked out the store, and of course, the salesMEN. gee... its not hard to notice that none of them is not a cutie. and i had the chance to be "hooking up" with one, according to lily. i needed him to check the stock for me. and its not new that this country is quite screwed up so the waiting time is just crap. while waiting, he initiated a conversation, which started as "so is it still cold out there?" poor cutie was so cold that he had no winter wear on his way to work today that he bought something to keep himself warm. apparently, he never had any warm coat, but layered his clothes during the winter and he gave whatever he had to his brother. gee. his name is reese.

headed next to barneys. well, i cant afford things from there, but lily wanted to see some stuff. and i chanced upon a pair of manolo blahnik that was slashed to $320! sigh, not fated to get them still cos the one on display is the last one and i dont think i shld be paying that much for something that others have checked out before, though it looked pretty decent.

so this has been my perfect day.

void

I know that it was going to be like this that s why i didnt allow myself to get close to him and kept a distance. it happened the very first time jia came by last new year. it took me a week to get over the fact that im alone, after she returned to london. subsequently, many friends visited and it was all fun and laughter to check out ny together. but i ll take a few days to adjust myself after they are gone. i hate the roller coaster rides that i have to take.

so lukas is gone now. and ting will be returning on sun, after which she will go home and i ll be by myself again. not that i am that generous with my time with them when they are around. but on the other hand, i know that im stopping myself to get attached to anyone so that i wont have to adjust.

i was touched and upset to see the bear on my bed. touched cos i didnt expect that. upset cos i regretted not doing more. im just so contradicting that i hate myself. but i like the bear, cos the ribbon is green and it has red polka dots! im this superficial.

mark and me

this is me for the past months and for the coming months. mark has been making my life really miserable.

Mark: Hi.. .did you place the list in ***?
Me: no
Me: you want?
Mark: tot that was waht i indicated in the email?
Mark: no?
Me: yeah will put it in then

Mark likes to mark me. he likes to trap me. something more interesting happened a few days back. i was supposed to submit a doc to mark at the end of the day but of course, i was way-laid by others along the way and thus, no chance to finish it by "end of the day"- 530 pm sharp but i knew that i was going to give it to him no matter what since i promised. i had to rush home as people were viewing the apartment. i stayed up till 215am to finish up for mark. over lunch the next day, my lunch mate told me that mark said the following:

mark: so ms lim has gone home? she was supposed to pass me something.
lunchmate: oh yeah? she has to rush home cos there were people viewing her place.
(not sure if lunchmate said this, but something to this effect)
lunchmate: she should have remembered la..
mark: ok, we ll see.

imagine my horrified look. what s up with mark??? i hate him, detest him from the bottom of my heart, outright disgusted with his uptightness and pettiness and whatever shit he is.

watch out for more interesting scenarios that will come my way. im so amused about what will be happening to me.

p/s: he could just have shouted, hey put the list in the ***, and not test me by asking if i have done it. or he can put it in right??? is he handicapped???

wtf.

political moves

this world is so complicating. each move that i take, i have to think of the many consequences that can happen. so i have successfully pushed away one engagement. at the very start, i could never have pulled things off with 3 engagements but i thought 'well, guess i can do it'. but

• 1st politically correct move: let the whole world know that you have too much on your plate, that it was after much persuaion that you are taking it on. i did it subtly cos it not me to be a loud person.

however, things were so screwed that stuff at other engagements spilt over and blah thus i never did much for this 3rd engagement, though i dabbled in it to have to be responsible for it. no idea why i was a cry baby yesterday and that was also the final straw. so this morning, i told the manager, no, im sorry i really cant cope.

• 2nd politically correct move: i tried, though its never enough cos at the end of the day, its the deliverables that count and not the process.

so i thought really really hard. cos there s just so much implications. the deadline is end of the week and im screwing them up by saying i cant do it now. so either the partner is going to think fuck this bitch or he ll write all these things off and get a replacement, with his sight on finishing things and nothing else. im not sure how he thinks. he s infuential i was told. so guess i really did screw myself up.

next the engagement with things that spilt over, the s. manager wants to talk to me, of course. he wants to know how things were brought across cos he wouldnt want them to think that he s snatching staff away from others and that he s mis-managing his own engagement and thus,...

see working life is just full of shit and politically correct moves. i hate it. why cant i just be left alone to do my work?

failed

one of the worst day of my life

i failed bec. got 73. the passing mark is 75. this is painful.

i dont think i have failed in my studies before. jps was good. rgs was good. rj.. i failed many of the common tests but in the end, still did ok for a levels. ntu was like shit, remembered that i prayed so so hard not to fail ma cos i wanted to have my honors. in the end, i didnt fail and i got my honors, though 2nd lower. job interviews. didnt get into big 4s upon graduation, which was the natural route everyone took. but in the end, i still ended up in one. and i passed my driving test the first time i took it.

so this is one tight slap in my face :( grace has over-estimated her ability to cope with work and studies.

goodness, i guess i can pretty much predict that i probably failed regulation too. sigh. i cant think. im going to bed now.

sweet potatoes

oh no i think i have an allergy to sweet potatoes. i had them previously and the terrible gastric kicked in hours later, leaving me so weak and in pain for days. i didnt know what the cause of that attack was but lily commented that they could be the culprits cos it was so for her mum. so i had them again today- 4 organic baby ones. and now im feeling the gastric! gosh..

but i love sweet potatoes.

by myself

i kept thinking about alot of things. i am getting unhappier each day. marmi sensed it from my tone probably, so she has asked me several times if im unhappy. though i have never said a single word about how lost im about my future, only letting on that work is v busy, i think she can feel the weight on me. she s so vexed/ helpless that im so unhappy. so she ll say that ive gotten my wish to go far away from home so what s still making me so unhappy. i didnt reply; i cried silently. i couldnt lift myself up.

i look at sy. birthday is a special day so im not sure if he s truly happy that he s celebrating w a bunch of not-so-close friends. so where are his so-called friends on his special day? i look at the queens people. they seem to hang out with each other only, seem to have lotsa activities going on but i dont want to be like them or even par-take in their fun, no matter how lonely im. i ll rather sulk at home.

i knew that i would be a more perfect friend today to lukas if i have gone out with him. but i was selfish and i decided to go with my mood-- stayed in to do laundry, iron clothes, watch pride and & prejudice. even when he suggested korean food, i was mean enough to say that i did not want to eat out. so in the end, he ordered in and i cooked my dinner and we watched bewitched. i made banana smoothie for him. hopefully that made up for my selfishness.

and cant help that im really lonely on earth. so-called friends have their mood swings too and they are not dependent. im finding hard to keep friendships going. people change and if we cant keep up with each other, no matter how much fun we had before, they will only become memories. human beings are cruel and selfish; past memories dont ensure that friendships will last forever.

many examples for the past days reminded me of this cruel fact.

• you can strike off friends who are attached cos you will never be their priority.
• it hurts to bum into friends on the streets when they are going for dim sum together. it didnt make things better when they asked you on the spot to join them. it didnt matter that you would not have been able to make it anyway cos you had some other date. it would just set you thinking: why werent i invited in the first place?
• it hurts that you introduced friends and they become better friends with each other than with you. i swear im generous with friends and i can shout outloud that these people will be minus many friends if not for me. so its a harsh slap when they are not appreciative in the end, though i know im not supposed to feel that they owe me a deal.

im just so tired of trying to make things work. though i can feel things slipping away from me, i cant seem to find it in me to do anything.

who wants to be my friend forever and ever?

to be like him

i would exchange many things to be as happy as him. he likes thomas & friends. its darn amazing that he knows ALL their names. i dont have an exact count but he has as many as 50. and he remembers each and everyone.. alfie, annie, edward, gordon, toby,.... he was never wrong. each time he shouted out the name, i would flip the train over and darn, he s never wrong!

i want to be a kid. i would really exchange many things to be so carefree all over again. 

thanks-giving

.
thanksgiving s over. spent it in pk's house. not exactly my kind of way to spend it. of course, the crowd was nice. and my fruits salad was a success. if only kay asked me for the steamboat dinner earlier, i would have gone for that instead but thought it wouldnt be nice to turn around and said im not 'interested' in going anymore.

something s really missing in my life. part of the reason could be work. have so much backlog that im feeling discouraged cos im not sure how i ll be able to finish all of them. coincidentally, all 3 pple i was working for was at the dinner. weird.

will prolly work tomorrow. though i wish i can sleep in and read a book and just laze around. or go shopping but i know i ll be in a bad mood seeing the crowd. but i think its time to get a small rice cooker from macy's. and if morgan s not going to be around anymore, i have so many appliances that i would need to get. this sucks. 

by my in-house chef

appetizer- corn bread

main- salmon with pasta

my relationship with her is weird. sometimes, i think there s some unspoken tension between us. sometimes, she s receptive to my "advice" and opinions. most times, she s defensive, or at least she appears so. she s someone who is "mouth hard, heart soft". we are not going to stay together so i guess its good. though i wish that we will cos somehow, i dont want to stay with a stranger anymore. but i dint ask her to cos i know the answer.

hate

im full of hatred
i hate my work
i hate how things are happening around me
i hate how im treated by some friends
i hate how i say i dont care but yet a tingling feeling inside me says i care
i hate how i have no control over my heart
i hate that im so emotional and sensitive
i hate that im like that
i hate that i cant be un-bothered by things around me and happening to me
i hate that i need people to do things to show that they care
why cant i be numb to things
why do i have to act ok when im not
why do i have to sensitive to others and think that it doesnt matter how i feel cos im supposed to be happy if they are
why do i feel its the shittest period of my life
or am i just forgetful
i hate that im greedy
i hate that i have received something and i want to keep it
i hate that i want to be loved

last leaf

i need to catch the last leaf falling in central park. will it be too late by the time i can make it to the park? gosh fall is over before it is even officially here!

painful-less

11/19/05 11:55
Beary: If I think you are dispensiable i would have stop trying long time ago but you r not so i am still trying. I kept asking myself, i feel i treat you better over my other friends.
(grammatical errors are those of the sender, not my typo errors)

11/19/05 12:40
Grace: ok can. will look for you in office if you are around.

11/19/05 13:33
Beary: Ok

timing difference

2 factors that will determine if a relationship works out

1. if he s the right guy; and/or
2. if the timing is right.

play around with these 2 factors and you can have 4 permutations.

1. right guy at right timing
2. wrong guy at right timing
3. right guy at wrong timing
4. wrong guy at wrong timing

more often than not, you will realize that scenarios 1 and 2 will allow things to work out. it all boils down to the timing, so even if its the wrong guy, but many people will settle for it cos the timing is right. and you can definitely be meeting the so-called perfect man for you but atlas! at a wrong timing.

im struggling with pangs of misery and memories of him these 2 days. it could be due to the unkind weather, im not sure. but its not doing me good that im having dreams about him and thoughts of him will slip in when im trying hard to study. and its extra sucky to know that we are no longer separated by geographical distance; he s breathing in the same polluted air as me, but yet he s untouchable and so far away. when initially the reason that resulted in the break-up was the distance, and of course, timing.

5 years ago, i was undeniably a little uncontrollable tempress. 5 years later, i think i have grown up.

he may not be the perfect man (for me) at the end of the day. but i know that the supposedly love shared was real and true. im over him i know. i only wish him the best and peace and i know he has those. i dont fancy the thought of bumbing into him on the streets, this i only want to visualize in my dreams at night. but i need to stop these thoughts cos its only making me miserable.

painful

11/13/05 21:29
Beary: Hey i know your exam is coming i will bring my audit notes for you tommorrow.

11/13/05 21:30
Grace: its ok i have them already thanks
----------
11/18/05 17:56
Beary: Good luck on your exam

11/18/05 17:57
Grace: are we still frens

11/18/05 18:00
Beary: I always consider you are my friend i do not know why you were mad of me and i did not meet to vent my stress on you
(noted that these are grammatical errors of the sender, not typo errors)

11/18/05 18:05
Grace: its just not right that you did that to a fren and i had e feeling that you think its fine which is totally not. in e first place you are e one who got e whole damn add messed up and you had e cheek to point e finger back at me. i really think its absurb. its not wat you did but more of yr attitude towards e whole thing. im very upset abt everything not sure if you know but i just tell myself its fine cos im dispensible to you. this is always how i ve seen our friendship or all my friendships so i value them and nv take them for granted. i ll then just run away cos its too painful to face it.
----------
ive been crying inside since the incident, no kidding. its so painful when he s someone who means so much to me. but i cant explain why im not trying to do something about it, or even when he s taking the initiative to talk to me, im still not budging. i hate this thing about myself. i ll regret i know.

home bound

its staying at home for the next few days to prepare for my paper. its me and my laptop and my book and music and window view of the busy 2-way road of 57.

its playing i ve been waiting for you by Guys Next Door. remembered that it was one of his favorite songs.

helen says

"it s only a job; there s no need to get upset over it."

well said helen. i was never too close to her but i think her mood is much lighter and definitely a happier person since leaving the "public"- how she calls it. and i have her contact. and she says to call her anytime. im definitely contemplating making a switch but again, time is not ripe.

teck has said " good things come to a patient man."

well said teck. i ll wait and good things will come to me.

organic affair

im not sure when this started but im picking up organic items more so than ever. these are the organic stuff sitting around in the house-
- organic soymilk: chocolate and vanilla
- organic bread
- organic eggs
- organic bananas
- organic lemons and broccolli and carrots
- organic potatoes
- organic sweet potatoes
- organic cheese crackers and pitted dates
- organic bitter dark chocolates
- organic oatmeal and maple syrup
- organic olive oil

in office-
- organic mint chocolate cookies

virgin post

im switching to here cos i will be able to post pictures. yeah.
my past: www.xanga.com/grasss