mark and me

this is me for the past months and for the coming months. mark has been making my life really miserable.

Mark: Hi.. .did you place the list in ***?
Me: no
Me: you want?
Mark: tot that was waht i indicated in the email?
Mark: no?
Me: yeah will put it in then

Mark likes to mark me. he likes to trap me. something more interesting happened a few days back. i was supposed to submit a doc to mark at the end of the day but of course, i was way-laid by others along the way and thus, no chance to finish it by "end of the day"- 530 pm sharp but i knew that i was going to give it to him no matter what since i promised. i had to rush home as people were viewing the apartment. i stayed up till 215am to finish up for mark. over lunch the next day, my lunch mate told me that mark said the following:

mark: so ms lim has gone home? she was supposed to pass me something.
lunchmate: oh yeah? she has to rush home cos there were people viewing her place.
(not sure if lunchmate said this, but something to this effect)
lunchmate: she should have remembered la..
mark: ok, we ll see.

imagine my horrified look. what s up with mark??? i hate him, detest him from the bottom of my heart, outright disgusted with his uptightness and pettiness and whatever shit he is.

watch out for more interesting scenarios that will come my way. im so amused about what will be happening to me.

p/s: he could just have shouted, hey put the list in the ***, and not test me by asking if i have done it. or he can put it in right??? is he handicapped???

wtf.

political moves

this world is so complicating. each move that i take, i have to think of the many consequences that can happen. so i have successfully pushed away one engagement. at the very start, i could never have pulled things off with 3 engagements but i thought 'well, guess i can do it'. but

• 1st politically correct move: let the whole world know that you have too much on your plate, that it was after much persuaion that you are taking it on. i did it subtly cos it not me to be a loud person.

however, things were so screwed that stuff at other engagements spilt over and blah thus i never did much for this 3rd engagement, though i dabbled in it to have to be responsible for it. no idea why i was a cry baby yesterday and that was also the final straw. so this morning, i told the manager, no, im sorry i really cant cope.

• 2nd politically correct move: i tried, though its never enough cos at the end of the day, its the deliverables that count and not the process.

so i thought really really hard. cos there s just so much implications. the deadline is end of the week and im screwing them up by saying i cant do it now. so either the partner is going to think fuck this bitch or he ll write all these things off and get a replacement, with his sight on finishing things and nothing else. im not sure how he thinks. he s infuential i was told. so guess i really did screw myself up.

next the engagement with things that spilt over, the s. manager wants to talk to me, of course. he wants to know how things were brought across cos he wouldnt want them to think that he s snatching staff away from others and that he s mis-managing his own engagement and thus,...

see working life is just full of shit and politically correct moves. i hate it. why cant i just be left alone to do my work?

failed

one of the worst day of my life

i failed bec. got 73. the passing mark is 75. this is painful.

i dont think i have failed in my studies before. jps was good. rgs was good. rj.. i failed many of the common tests but in the end, still did ok for a levels. ntu was like shit, remembered that i prayed so so hard not to fail ma cos i wanted to have my honors. in the end, i didnt fail and i got my honors, though 2nd lower. job interviews. didnt get into big 4s upon graduation, which was the natural route everyone took. but in the end, i still ended up in one. and i passed my driving test the first time i took it.

so this is one tight slap in my face :( grace has over-estimated her ability to cope with work and studies.

goodness, i guess i can pretty much predict that i probably failed regulation too. sigh. i cant think. im going to bed now.

sweet potatoes

oh no i think i have an allergy to sweet potatoes. i had them previously and the terrible gastric kicked in hours later, leaving me so weak and in pain for days. i didnt know what the cause of that attack was but lily commented that they could be the culprits cos it was so for her mum. so i had them again today- 4 organic baby ones. and now im feeling the gastric! gosh..

but i love sweet potatoes.

by myself

i kept thinking about alot of things. i am getting unhappier each day. marmi sensed it from my tone probably, so she has asked me several times if im unhappy. though i have never said a single word about how lost im about my future, only letting on that work is v busy, i think she can feel the weight on me. she s so vexed/ helpless that im so unhappy. so she ll say that ive gotten my wish to go far away from home so what s still making me so unhappy. i didnt reply; i cried silently. i couldnt lift myself up.

i look at sy. birthday is a special day so im not sure if he s truly happy that he s celebrating w a bunch of not-so-close friends. so where are his so-called friends on his special day? i look at the queens people. they seem to hang out with each other only, seem to have lotsa activities going on but i dont want to be like them or even par-take in their fun, no matter how lonely im. i ll rather sulk at home.

i knew that i would be a more perfect friend today to lukas if i have gone out with him. but i was selfish and i decided to go with my mood-- stayed in to do laundry, iron clothes, watch pride and & prejudice. even when he suggested korean food, i was mean enough to say that i did not want to eat out. so in the end, he ordered in and i cooked my dinner and we watched bewitched. i made banana smoothie for him. hopefully that made up for my selfishness.

and cant help that im really lonely on earth. so-called friends have their mood swings too and they are not dependent. im finding hard to keep friendships going. people change and if we cant keep up with each other, no matter how much fun we had before, they will only become memories. human beings are cruel and selfish; past memories dont ensure that friendships will last forever.

many examples for the past days reminded me of this cruel fact.

• you can strike off friends who are attached cos you will never be their priority.
• it hurts to bum into friends on the streets when they are going for dim sum together. it didnt make things better when they asked you on the spot to join them. it didnt matter that you would not have been able to make it anyway cos you had some other date. it would just set you thinking: why werent i invited in the first place?
• it hurts that you introduced friends and they become better friends with each other than with you. i swear im generous with friends and i can shout outloud that these people will be minus many friends if not for me. so its a harsh slap when they are not appreciative in the end, though i know im not supposed to feel that they owe me a deal.

im just so tired of trying to make things work. though i can feel things slipping away from me, i cant seem to find it in me to do anything.

who wants to be my friend forever and ever?

to be like him

i would exchange many things to be as happy as him. he likes thomas & friends. its darn amazing that he knows ALL their names. i dont have an exact count but he has as many as 50. and he remembers each and everyone.. alfie, annie, edward, gordon, toby,.... he was never wrong. each time he shouted out the name, i would flip the train over and darn, he s never wrong!

i want to be a kid. i would really exchange many things to be so carefree all over again. 

thanks-giving

.
thanksgiving s over. spent it in pk's house. not exactly my kind of way to spend it. of course, the crowd was nice. and my fruits salad was a success. if only kay asked me for the steamboat dinner earlier, i would have gone for that instead but thought it wouldnt be nice to turn around and said im not 'interested' in going anymore.

something s really missing in my life. part of the reason could be work. have so much backlog that im feeling discouraged cos im not sure how i ll be able to finish all of them. coincidentally, all 3 pple i was working for was at the dinner. weird.

will prolly work tomorrow. though i wish i can sleep in and read a book and just laze around. or go shopping but i know i ll be in a bad mood seeing the crowd. but i think its time to get a small rice cooker from macy's. and if morgan s not going to be around anymore, i have so many appliances that i would need to get. this sucks. 

by my in-house chef

appetizer- corn bread

main- salmon with pasta

my relationship with her is weird. sometimes, i think there s some unspoken tension between us. sometimes, she s receptive to my "advice" and opinions. most times, she s defensive, or at least she appears so. she s someone who is "mouth hard, heart soft". we are not going to stay together so i guess its good. though i wish that we will cos somehow, i dont want to stay with a stranger anymore. but i dint ask her to cos i know the answer.

hate

im full of hatred
i hate my work
i hate how things are happening around me
i hate how im treated by some friends
i hate how i say i dont care but yet a tingling feeling inside me says i care
i hate how i have no control over my heart
i hate that im so emotional and sensitive
i hate that im like that
i hate that i cant be un-bothered by things around me and happening to me
i hate that i need people to do things to show that they care
why cant i be numb to things
why do i have to act ok when im not
why do i have to sensitive to others and think that it doesnt matter how i feel cos im supposed to be happy if they are
why do i feel its the shittest period of my life
or am i just forgetful
i hate that im greedy
i hate that i have received something and i want to keep it
i hate that i want to be loved

last leaf

i need to catch the last leaf falling in central park. will it be too late by the time i can make it to the park? gosh fall is over before it is even officially here!

painful-less

11/19/05 11:55
Beary: If I think you are dispensiable i would have stop trying long time ago but you r not so i am still trying. I kept asking myself, i feel i treat you better over my other friends.
(grammatical errors are those of the sender, not my typo errors)

11/19/05 12:40
Grace: ok can. will look for you in office if you are around.

11/19/05 13:33
Beary: Ok

timing difference

2 factors that will determine if a relationship works out

1. if he s the right guy; and/or
2. if the timing is right.

play around with these 2 factors and you can have 4 permutations.

1. right guy at right timing
2. wrong guy at right timing
3. right guy at wrong timing
4. wrong guy at wrong timing

more often than not, you will realize that scenarios 1 and 2 will allow things to work out. it all boils down to the timing, so even if its the wrong guy, but many people will settle for it cos the timing is right. and you can definitely be meeting the so-called perfect man for you but atlas! at a wrong timing.

im struggling with pangs of misery and memories of him these 2 days. it could be due to the unkind weather, im not sure. but its not doing me good that im having dreams about him and thoughts of him will slip in when im trying hard to study. and its extra sucky to know that we are no longer separated by geographical distance; he s breathing in the same polluted air as me, but yet he s untouchable and so far away. when initially the reason that resulted in the break-up was the distance, and of course, timing.

5 years ago, i was undeniably a little uncontrollable tempress. 5 years later, i think i have grown up.

he may not be the perfect man (for me) at the end of the day. but i know that the supposedly love shared was real and true. im over him i know. i only wish him the best and peace and i know he has those. i dont fancy the thought of bumbing into him on the streets, this i only want to visualize in my dreams at night. but i need to stop these thoughts cos its only making me miserable.

painful

11/13/05 21:29
Beary: Hey i know your exam is coming i will bring my audit notes for you tommorrow.

11/13/05 21:30
Grace: its ok i have them already thanks
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11/18/05 17:56
Beary: Good luck on your exam

11/18/05 17:57
Grace: are we still frens

11/18/05 18:00
Beary: I always consider you are my friend i do not know why you were mad of me and i did not meet to vent my stress on you
(noted that these are grammatical errors of the sender, not typo errors)

11/18/05 18:05
Grace: its just not right that you did that to a fren and i had e feeling that you think its fine which is totally not. in e first place you are e one who got e whole damn add messed up and you had e cheek to point e finger back at me. i really think its absurb. its not wat you did but more of yr attitude towards e whole thing. im very upset abt everything not sure if you know but i just tell myself its fine cos im dispensible to you. this is always how i ve seen our friendship or all my friendships so i value them and nv take them for granted. i ll then just run away cos its too painful to face it.
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ive been crying inside since the incident, no kidding. its so painful when he s someone who means so much to me. but i cant explain why im not trying to do something about it, or even when he s taking the initiative to talk to me, im still not budging. i hate this thing about myself. i ll regret i know.

home bound

its staying at home for the next few days to prepare for my paper. its me and my laptop and my book and music and window view of the busy 2-way road of 57.

its playing i ve been waiting for you by Guys Next Door. remembered that it was one of his favorite songs.

helen says

"it s only a job; there s no need to get upset over it."

well said helen. i was never too close to her but i think her mood is much lighter and definitely a happier person since leaving the "public"- how she calls it. and i have her contact. and she says to call her anytime. im definitely contemplating making a switch but again, time is not ripe.

teck has said " good things come to a patient man."

well said teck. i ll wait and good things will come to me.

organic affair

im not sure when this started but im picking up organic items more so than ever. these are the organic stuff sitting around in the house-
- organic soymilk: chocolate and vanilla
- organic bread
- organic eggs
- organic bananas
- organic lemons and broccolli and carrots
- organic potatoes
- organic sweet potatoes
- organic cheese crackers and pitted dates
- organic bitter dark chocolates
- organic oatmeal and maple syrup
- organic olive oil

in office-
- organic mint chocolate cookies

virgin post

im switching to here cos i will be able to post pictures. yeah.
my past: www.xanga.com/grasss