2007 resolutions

(1) get over HIM. this is so crucial cos the pain is unbearable. out of sight but not out of mind. maybe i should block him on my msn.

i love to eat

these were taken in Eatery and outside Brooklyn Ice-cream Factory. my brunch at eatery was very sweet and good. Stuffed French Toast with Chocolate and Bananas, Served with Vermont Maple Syrup and Vanilla Ice Cream. You can imagine the sweetness of my meal. i dint take the maple syrup though.

i prefer Chinatown Ice-cream Factory, with their famous lychee favor and my favorite sesame too!

fir trees

i love the smell of these fir trees. on christmas' eve, i saw the workers pack them away. i was down for a while.

lingering 2006

heart skipped a beat

fingers turned icy cold and wet

i am not over him yet

my new pad!

i managed to tap a connection while in my bedroom tonight. so much has happened since i last blogged. i have moved! yes i have moved! i have my own apt (rented) now!

haha.. it was through divine help that i got this place. i made many futile trips to see apts that were all very run down. i had to get back as to whether i was going to renew my current lease on that monday. i found another ad on craigslist that mon and i told myself that was the final apt i was going to view. that apt turned out to be something that i saw on sun- the owner had turned it over to the broker. so of course that goes " the last apt i was going to view" but while in her car, the broker said she has another place but it is still under renovation. we popped by the place and i saw it and my heart stopped beating- it was still under going renovation but i could see the potential. it was almost love at first sight. i turned ard and asked her for the price. it was a good price. i said - I WANT IT.

that was it. my search for a new place ended. my part-time job being a craigslist advert trader (since i was refreshing the webpage every 10 mins) ended that very day. it was such a relief.

i moved over the weekend on the 16th, with the help of ting, zw, jack, andy and celine. it was almost that manhattan did not want me to leave. we were not able to drive our uhaul crosstown to the east so as to get to queensborough bridge to get into astoria. of course we did in the end, after many additional mileages and gas and toll were incurred, and thus my moving expenses shot up. but the move was worth every bit and i was glad that my friends were there to help me. i had 12 cartons, 3 luggages, many pieces of furniture. they were really kind to help me. and for ting, she stayed overnight at my place for thur and fri before the move on sat, to help me pack and to be a distraction for me. i told her that i was not able to be alone in the presence of the housemate anymore. i was so so so so glad she was around cos the housemate's mum visited and her face was literally black and long. ugly. puke.

and of course jy visited for a week from 6th to 13th. i will talk about her trip again some other time. ny did not turn out to be a blast for her that we have both hoped for.

so its wed now. and i have unpacked everything, cleaned up the house, got all the curtains up and furniture in place. the last bit is to wash the couch covers. im proud of myself but im dead tired now.

pigged out

i swear it is not in my plan to pig out today but i just did.

Rosa Mexicana for holiday lunch with the team. WAS AWESOME! im talking like nyorkers who love the word awesome but really, it was such a good lunch. the GPs cracked me up, very entertaining people.

and i met mc for sushi! my favorite food. it was at sushi tomoe, finally got the chance to check out this place. the fish melted in our mouths, nuff said. presentation can be improved though.

we then tried to find our way back to the car that was "abandoned" somewhere and along the way, we walked into Magnolia Bakery!!! I must say we really walked into it. we walked past the shop and i retreated 2 steps and screamed: HEY ITS THE FAMOUS CUPCAKES PLACE!! and there is NO line. WE HAVE TO GRAB SOME. so mc ended up buying 12 and i bought 8! that was at 1215am in the morning; people started streaming in after we entered though but we got our cupcakes!

full body detox

i had just changed my msn message to "full body detox". xq had messaged me this:

rrreoowww.....it's over and done with! says:
good evening! went to a spa recently?

i was thoroughly amused and replied:

g says:
hahaha
you cracked me
no my dear
i had a stomach virus
you are so cute

the virus was brutal. 2 full days of black liquid. i dint have much intake either. im so glad that i was able to get out of the house for work today. went to the doc on tues and guess what kind of crappy advice he gave me, for that $15 co-payment:

"I dont know, could be some virus. just drink gatorade."

!!!

my childish way

today is a bad day. it started with waiting for people to arrive for dim sum. well, i guess i am pretty numb to waiting now. i had a book so that helped a bit.

next, met cw and mc for coffee. i was very very disturbed the whole time. im not sure but im suspecting there may be something going on between them? and if that is so, im so disappointed. this is not supposed to happen.

next, housemate issue. she told me she s staying till 1.5.07 cos she only moved in on 1.4.06. i replied that the apartment was available 1.1.06 but she wasnt around to move in, so it should not become my problem. further, my lease with the landlord runs to 12.31.06. she then said, oh if you are moving out, i want the apartment.

she s dense. she should have realized that there is no way i will let that happen. im sounding crazily childish now but i dont want her to get it if i move out. im actually entertaining the thought of not moving just so that she cant get the apartment. but i cringed at the thought of having to stay with a stranger any longer.

sesame stuff satisfied

sesame shaven ice

had a great sesame pudding with ting when we tried out sobakoh on eve of thanksgiving.

had sesame shaven ice drink at sago cafe on post thanksgiving day.

i remembered what jesse said about sesame when i ordered sesame ice-cream that one night: so its people like you who eats such thing. i ll always associate him with sesame now. and many other things that he has commented before, till these memories fade away with time, which i hope they will.

post-thanksgiving

wollman rink at central park

i didnt feel like skating so i dint do it. it was fun lying on the rocks with ting while waiting for the rest.

films

i like to lose myself watching films. im glad that i have corporate access to moma. this is the coolest perk of my job. Wristcutters-A Love Story - "This could be the first film to express the philosophy that real growing up takes the courage to die first." Very well said. It is not disturbing after watching this film but film for thought: we, at least me, may be taking our lives for granted. life after life is worst off, so why am i not appreciating more of what i have?

had a throbbing headache after the first film but i was glad i stayed on for the next film- The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief . this is a documentary filmed in Osaka, Japan, on the host boys culture in Japan. it was done by a first-time american director, so perhaps he may not be the best guy to talk about this. moreover, i do not understand japanese and relied on the english subtitles. it was still refreshing. i found it heart wrenching, yet amusing to know that most of the clients of this Cafe Rakkyo are "fuzukus" and they spurged their hard-earned money on these host boys. how ironic life can be.

i did lose myself in the second film, literally in many ways.

treats

last sat, i got a brunch treat from elynn cos she got her new job indirectly from me. i dint exactly take her seriously so when she asked me to pick a restaurant, i chose something that was towards the high-end cos i wanted to try. so in the end, i really got a treat from Park Avenue Cafe. fine dining indeed, though i wont say it was top-notch. but fine dining in the sense that the portion was minute. jackie was eating so slowly that you thought his salmon was not well done (reverse pun? im telling you that medium rare salmon tastes the best!!!). it was cos his portion was so small that he was trying to keep it for at least 20 minutes so that his brain would signal to him that he was full.

on tues night, bobi was late again. i dint care cos i was reading my magazine but i simply said you owe me a treat man. he took it seriously and i had Candle Cafe free. we have been to this place for the second time in 2 weeks. im so glad that he likes it cos he can be my candle buddy replacement for lily? anyways, they have reinstated my favorite dish- Barbeque Tempeh & Sweet Potato Sandwich. wise choice!!

give thanks

last sunday, i went to st patrick's catehdral with andy and celine. the priest gave a sermon on thanksgiving, the true meaning of thanksgiving. so its literally thanks-giving, or giving thanks. he gave a story how a great african-american musician (i forgot his name) is giving back to the society now and he remembers the person who paid for his first piano lesson. the priest then linked it to Jesus, how Jesus wants us to give thanks, because it is a joyous thing to do.

its a wet day in ny on thanksgiving. lord, im rreally trying my best not to be unhappy and give-thanks for the _____ that you have showered upon me.

certain things do not change?

reunion

we met up, me and bao. she was my "partner" during my rgs days, i.e. my seating partner. a brilliant girl, who has quite a temper at times. i remembered the childish events- how we marked our tables as our territories, thus no stationeries can cross over to each other's table; the cold wars when we tested our friendship to see who would bow down first to say sorry. we went to separate junior college and college and did not make much effort to keep in touch, only meeting up once in a blue moon.

the reunion was at fao schwatz. haha. we walked around aimlessly in the toy shop, headed out to moma, then to lunch. we were catching up, furiously. on the way to the restaurant, she suddenly told me that i had not changed, that she still felt so comfortable talking to me. i was happy and gave her a loud YAY. 

racist attack

i had my first racist attack last friday. i was riding the subway to go for my dental appointment. along came 2 blacks (i should be politically correct to call them african americans but wtf) and sat next to me. rowdy teens who were stuffing themselves with gummy bears. black a was loud and obnoxious and talking to random strangers. when the subway came to a stop and a white woman in her early 50s came on, black a shouted to her, yo, do you want to sit? the lady replied no, thank you. guess what black a said to her friend black b "she doesnt want to sit next to a chinese".

............ i was reading my wsj and i chose to ignore that naive comment. peace.

brazilian bbq

Churrascarua Plataforma - brazilian bbq, a restaurant that i would not see myself in. i was disappointed that ey tax did not choose some other restaurant. however, it turned out to be an awesome social event. well, i dint take most of the meat that came round the table, but the salad bar was great and the meat that i stuffed myself with did not overwhelm me. the best part was Caipirinha. This is a brazilian drink, a concoction of fresh limes, sugar, ice and "Cachaça" - Brazilian liquor made from raw sugar cane. i had another lychee martini which i dint finish cos it was not good; 1 glass of red wine and some cocktail that was being passed around the table.

the dinner was on a thurs night. not sure if it was a slight hangover the next day but my head was very painful on friday. a gym workout at lunch worked off the pain.

drama

i have not been in the mood for blogging. i seemed to have lost the ability to write, or rather, to translate my mood and feelings into words. thoughts are staying as thoughts, drifting around my head, making me slightly moodier and more irritable.

anyways, marmi is back home, safe and sound. i cried when i sent her off on sunday. i refused to walk her all the way to the gate, choosing to rather watch from a distance till her slightly hunched over figure disappeared. it was painful to watch her go. i wished i dint have to go through it, alone. maybe god could understand how i felt. cos daddy called subsequently. when i reached the train station, i saw that i had to wait for 40min before the next train and boby called almost immediately. a relief washed over me, as he provided me with some solace for the next 40 minutes. he was transiting at houston airport for the next hour.

i woke up at 430am this morning to use the bathroom. woman next door puked (from drinking) and the remains were over the toilet seat! goodness gracious right! i had to use the bathroom and held my breathe for that 1 minute. how could she not bother to clean up? i had the urge to barge into her room cos i could hear her and it seemed that she was not asleep yet.

at 730am, i woke up, she was up too. she was flustered, as usual. apparently, she couldnt find her phone. she went out of the house and almost immediately, i could hear a man's voice coming from the corridor. i was already suspecting that she is hanging out with someone in the building because she went out of the house for half hr yesterday morning, without a coat. she came back and i told her to clean up the toilet cos i needed to use it. next, the doorbell rang. a mousy-looking man (i am not being biased) asked for her. he was not in his coat and im pretty sure he lives somewhere down the corridor, if not in the building.

i told her when she came out of the bathroom and she was like, oh, dont bother. and she added, the bathroom is "decently usable" now. i ll clean it after i have my sleep. OH MAN! how considerate is that?! the doorbell rang again and her door was closing, so i shouted, hey are you answering it? she was like, no dont bother. so what is up?

i could still smell the puke when i entered the bathroom. im really upset.

and she has used the ironing board to dry her clothes on sunday. the clothes were gone on monday night. as of this morning, the board is still there. im not sure if
(1) she is dumb that she doesnt know how to close it- cos i dint know how to do it too till colin showed me; or
(2) she is plain lazy

what a wonderful drama.

trickortreat.moveornot.

this is so vexing. to move or not to move? can someone decide for me? so tiring to make decisions for myself all the time.

misunderstood.tired.to be sorted out.

that is me.

beauty and the beast

marmi and i had a blast, nuff said

Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast 

misery hundred fold

i really suck at what im studying for now. i have to remember how miserable i am right now and all the times before. yes, it s a matter of getting it over and done with but i dont see how likely it will be done.

lotus paste indulgence

this was from wh. how apt! 

paradise ii

matthew 18:1-5
1 At that time, the disciples approached Jesus and said, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"2 He called a child over, placed him in their midst, 3 and said, "Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me. 

paradise

all that matters

 

pick-me-up call

i had an interesting call this morning.

a guy called and i wasnt the person he was looking for. he said, is this 790-****? i was like, yes. he said, oh, you are not the person im looking for. but you sound really cute. im surprised to hear such a cute voice. i flipped. i said, who are you looking for? he said, tom, and tom happened to be someone sitting behind me. anyway, i was like, what s your name? cos at this point in time, i was thinking that it was a prank call from one of my friends. he said brian (or perhaps byran). i was like, hm ok, .. he interrupted me, you sound really cute. do you have a boyfriend?

i rolled my eyes, said, alright, let s stop it here and hung up on him. he did not have the nerves to call back. what a way to pick girls up. its pretty refreshing.

teaser

why do i get teased like that?

AM: do you miss me?
G: ya
AM: no you don't
AM: you have forgotten all about me
G: seems like the other way round
AM: i have been working like a dog darling
AM: and traveling a lot
AM: went to chicago a week or so before
AM: and have been at a stupid client everyday

reflection i

marmi is here. i wish that im feeling happier than the state i am in right now. is it because the anticipation of her coming has worned off? is it because i have to study for the freaking paper that i have to numb myself so that i can concentrate better? is it because im so screwed that i only feel high when im anticipating stuff and get disinterested when it has crystalized? is it because of the wet and chilly weather that i do not feel high?

im questioning my emotional being. i realize that i really have no control over my body and my hormones perhaps. it is a constant struggle to do what my brain tells me. my heart fighting and tugging with the brain; this leaves me restless and emotional and screaming to breathe. it is such a dumb thing to say "follow your heart". whoever invented this phrase is so bs-ing.

breathe air

stuck in traffic from 5pm till 630pm. the car moved from 42nd to 36th street for that period. val's friend called and said he has cleared the immigration. i panicked. that implied that marmi had cleared the gates too. val got off the car just before i got into the tunnel. the traffic cleared up after i entered the tunnel. i fumbled trying to map read and drive at the same time. god blessed me. i reached the arrival hall. if only she knew how to come out to the side, then i did not have to to park the car. i parked the car and ran into the hall. finally i caught her amidst the crowd. our eyes met and the helplessness in her eyes turned to joy and hope at that moment. we embraced.

code

vanity of vanities! All is vanity...
What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done;
there is nothing new under the sun

Ecclesiastes 1:2, 9

circles

chen-en is back for 2 weeks. we checked out Sripraphai together. i still think that my favorite thai at wondee is better. anyway, today wasnt about the food. surely, it is about us two foodies who will go all the way to the corners of nyc in the name of food. but the experience would not have been the same if it was not with her.

ok im going round in circles. the bottomline is that i still miss her. took me a while to get used to her not being around. just by spending one afternoon with her, i am going to take 2 weeks to get over it. she mentioned js. and to my own horror, im still pretty much not over him yet.

maybe the pms blues are getting to me. had the most horrific cramps till date. that caused my appetite. and because of that, im having gastric pains now. and because of the pain, im so sulky and unsociable.

this entry is about things going round in circles. sheesh.

zzz

im soooo boooored yawwwwwwn

sneaky man

i think the person sitting in front of me is such a sneaky character.

he s not that nice to me on days that vp is not in. he is usually swamped with work; either he is slow or he truly has too much for himself, i dont know. so he has no time for me and will brush off my queries. however, in front of the vp, he ll elaborate on stuff and said, oh i have discussed with grace, blahblahblah.. what a creep!

and how he will act on stuff that vp asks, draft emails to the whole world and in it, dictate my action. pooof, this is so sickening!

obviously, he feels that im a threat to him. if not, why these kind of defensive actions?

i truly believe in good karma and retribution.

i miss my family

gosh i m missing my family so much. why am i not allowing myself to miss them?

I CANT WAIT FOR 9/30/06!!!

so much to it

pretty interesting article from nytimes about organic milk. these were the key points i carried away from the article.

organic milk — which comes from cows that have not been treated with hormones or antibiotics

Aurora’s cows do not spend any significant time roaming pastures and eating fresh grass; instead they live on a diet high in grains. -- i see, so cows have to roam pastures and eat fresh grass.

But they say their animals are healthy and contented. -- gee, how the personified cows "contented"... hmm..

Many organic farmers say grass feeding is essential for organic dairy production because it is part of a cow’s natural behavior. Milk from grass-fed cows, they say, is also higher in beneficial fatty acids than milk from cows fed grain, making it more nutritious. -- part of cow's natural behavior. i have never thought of things that way.. i think im urbanized.

the company is overtaxing its animals by milking them three times a day instead of twice, which is the norm at organic farms. -- overtaxing.. hmm...

“Our animals are outside all year long; they’re never locked into barns.” -- out all year long, just like my up close and personal encounter with them in appenzell.

keeping it up

i can feel myself sinking this week. second week since im back from my vacation. perhaps because i have started to study and house hunting is simply driving me crazy. i kept having to remind myself "life is beautiful" cos it truly is. but i realized that as i get back to the norm of things, the norm of things get to me.

i wish i can blame it on pms. friday is usually a good day for me. it started well, however the house hunting in the middle of the day got to me. next, i had intended to stay back after work to study before heading for the show at 9.35pm. i was so miserable while in office that i made an irrational move: i grabbed a mocha frapp and espresso brownie from starbucks. this was something that i would never do if im in a clear state of mind; those fats and calories were just so hard to burn off! in the end, the treats did not lift me up but left me bloated and guilt-striken instead.

checked out max brenner late into the night ( i have just returned and am blogging now) so im fat fat fat now. got to go to gym tm.

..............................

going round in circles

i always managed to screw myself up.

the resentment for the person next door is building up. this is unfair to myself because it should not be the case. on the other hand, i try to consider if im too anal since im quite a bitch to certain people. i cant conclude; i only know that i do not wish to continue staying with her anymore. the act-cute taiwanese voice, mixed with weird american accent is simply beating the shit out of me. definitely an unfair statement to make, however, i have already passed judgement on her and there is no turning back for me.

so the question is if i should move or find a replacement. i dont know.

next, not sure how i got involved with a and s. their plan to find a place together did not seem to be materializing due to different budgets. i ended up looking for something together with a, as it is not possible to share my current place with a with the imminent arrival of his other half. suddenly, it hit me that i could suggest to s to stay with me, which would imply that i need not move after all. but if i do this, im turning my back on a. in any case, i told a what i was thinking and he said he would be cool about it.

i tried convincing myself that it will not be my fault if i gain from this, meaning that i end up with s and a has to look for alternatives. this is so because i only came into the picture when things were not working out for them. and at the point in time when i was hunting around with a, i have not made up my mind.

does anyone understand what im talking about? im always stuck in situation like this. damn. cant concentrate on my studying and time is running out. screwed screwed big time!!

US Open 2006

rooting for the underdog hewitt

thanks to andy, i got to catch some live action. maria sharapova, andy roddick and lleyton hewitt. not a bad experience, been there done that. so much for the footlong hotdog that cost $5.25. 

9.1 to 9.3 appenzell

up close and personal with the cows

first real hike. was totally awesome, plus one foot in mud water and one fall on the bum. lukas has some cool friends- daniel and stefan and their gfs. daniel is someone that you will hang out with if you want to have a lengthy and meaning conversation. stefan is cute, minus the not-so-white teeth. i would think he s a typical european who puffs. however, i dint see him light up so i guess my assumption may be invalid.

8.28 to 8.30 berlin

Memorial for the Murdered Jews of Europe

it was a nice treat for myself. i was giving myself many treats, on the account that it was my bday- a trip to europe, a LV wallet and a jcrew skirt that i wanted to buy but dint. but things got pretty tiring in the end. it was not that fun after all when i had no one to take pictures for me.

a revelation when spending so much time with myself. Up in the restaurant up on Fernsehturm (yes, a nice meal on the account that it was my bday), i wasnt feeling self-conscious at all. while in the line to get into the restaurant, everyone was in groups- groups of 2, 3, 4, 5 and blah. when the seater got to me, i shouted, 1! oh yeah, its me, myself and i.

8.26 to 8.28 hamburg

three of us

i believe that lily does not like to give hugs. hence, i shall not use this to gauge our friendship.

i have never had such a relaxing vacation before. on the 2nd day, sun 8.27, i slept past 1pm. im sure part of it was due to the jet lag. however, i dint feel myself panicking.

it was leisure time spent in hamburg- strolling around the city center, biking in the woods to the river, biking to the golf course, playing sudoku.

i passed the chocolates to her mum yesterday. i could feel how much they are missing her. i used it to relate to how much my mum is going through. im sorry mum but i promise that i will go home once im ready.

 

nostalgia

before they make way for fall

auditors are in for interim. i was one of them. its a de ja vu feeling and im not holding it well.

fall is the time for nostalgia and some romance.

i muaah you

love-hate relationship

to do:
- ease back to studying mode
- upload europe trip pictures
- blog about europe trip
- write about me and friends
- housing issue

im panicking because i see that i have a lot of studying to do and i have no time.

breathe. new york's air is good. yesterday was the 1st friday night spent in ny after spending 4 previous ones away. at the corner of 9th ave and 57th st, walking back from the photos party at dana's, i suddenly felt so much love for this city. it was nice to see much civilization still when the time was nearing midnight. truly, it is a city that never sleeps. i muaah you, new york!

I was humbled

Nicaragua - Hogar Belen - 8.12.06 to 8.19.06

Waking up to the crowings of the rooster and the wailings of the children; the search in the dark because electricity was cut off (periodically); sticky t-shirt clinging onto my body; scratching my limbs, to find 5 new bites each day; fishing toilet paper from the toilet bowl because I was supposed to throw them into a bin so as to avoid clogging the bowl; swearing under my breath because I forgot yet again not to rinse my toothbrush under the tap water; trickling water from the shower head that took me half hour to wash my hair.

It is weird that I am trying to adjust back to my "normal" life. The polluted air in nyc smells so refreshing and clean after all. I had to stop myself from saying "hola" and "gracias" while I was at Wholefoods on Sunday. The days of no more baby wipes and hand sanitizer.

It was a week of reconciliation with myself. For the times that I did volunteering, I had many moments of weakness. It was no exception this time round. I was not able to accept the so called misery that I saw. I broke down uncontrollably because I could not understand why these children were not having the love and care that I had when I was their age. I felt helpless. I felt that my week there with them would not be making a difference to their lives.

My team mate Ken shared with me. He told me to see it as a humbling experience, that we human beings are limited. There is a greater person who is in charge. I was glad that I shared with him.

There were some kids that were always picked up by us because they are cute and cuddly. That was me initially. However, I made a buddy at the end. Jason lost an eye and has mild cerebral paralysis. He was chained up to a chair before he was brought to the home. I noticed Jason on his bed. No one bothered him much. I saw the caretaker wheeling him for his meals. No one takes him for a walk. I asked if he could walk. She said yes. I went to his bed and started talking to him, trying to get him to respond to me. Slowly, he leaned over and took my hands. I was over-whelmed by his strength. I had to free my hands from his, as I could hear them cracking under the force. He left bruises on my hands.

The next day, I went over to him again. He responded to my clappings. His face had a smile and he reached out to my hands, twisting them again for familiarity. This time, I carried him off his bed and put him on his feet. I said to him, Jason, walk. You can walk. You can walk. Slowly we made our way to a chair, where he leaned against my body and played with my hands.

On Friday, I decided that I was going to take him for a little adventure. I asked the caretaker for shoes. The shoes fitting session was cute. After fitting on the sandels for him, Jason lifted his right leg to his face. I think he was trying to see and feel the thing on his foot. I stopped him from bitting the sandel. We started out on our walk. It was as if he was walking on ice. He slipped a few times. Slowly, he grew accustomed to the shoes on him and we made our way to the swing where I placed him on it and we enjoyed our quiet morning together.

Another powerful encounter was at Chureka. This is a dump site, where there are communities living there. We were there to hand out supplies to the single mothers, who came in troops with their children. It was a sight. It was the epitome of survival skills. I caught myself holding my breath. There was no way I could have survived in that condition. The air smelt of waste and ash. Everything looked grey, including the kids. Most of them had no clothes on. Their skin was grey. I could see some form of skin condition on them. But they all had big eyes and as our eyes met, we found ourselves smiling at one another. I was in charge of handling out baby clothes. It became a clothes fitting session, which became hell lots of fun.

Our van took us around the site. There were many vultures. A truck came to load the trash and adults and kids alike raced to the truck. As our van drove out of the dump, we were all in deep thoughts. The van made a turn and civilization welcomed us. The dump seemed so unreal.

change jobs

do i believe in Him? Yes I do. Daily reading from veritas seems to be speaking to me.

CHANGE JOBS

'What profit would a man show if he were to gain the whole world and destroy himself in the process?' Matthew 16:26

Every human being wants to show a profit. Most try to save their lives by taking control of things, working hard, and making things happen. That's what Nineveh did. They raised up great armies and undertook monumental campaigns. By human standards it appeared they were showing a profit, but it turned out just the opposite. The end result for Nineveh was: 'Everyone who sees you runs from you, saying, 'Nineveh is destroyed; who can pity her?' ' (Na 3:7)

The same thing happens to individuals. If we take charge of our lives, it will backfire and we ruin them (Mt 16:26). How did we ever get the impression we were the ones to manage our lives? We're just not right for the job and our record proves it. The best thing we can do is deny ourselves and get down to the job we are fitted for, the job of cross-bearing (Mt 16:24). We don't like the job, but by God's grace we can do it well. We can lay down our lives for one another. We can suffer persecution for Jesus' sake. It's difficult, but we can do the job faithfully. Let's quit our volunteer job of running our own lives and accept the job that will give us a profit in the long run. 'Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it' (Mt 16:25).

for the record- 7/27 thurs

i had my confession- "im attracted to you. this is FYI so that i can move on. things have become unbearable for me."

it was a tough act. my cheek muscles were trembling when i said it and my voice kinda wavered.

it was a lie too. it is so not FYI but i said it so as not to make things difficult and uncomfortable.

he s attracted to me too, so he said.

oh well, this is life. life sucks.

fallingwater

uncle on candid

roadtrip to fallingwater for weekend 7/29-30. it was good. the drive to PA was very scenic. the building was nice. the company was great. i was in pain but i did well to stop thinking of unhappy things.

bottles amassed

bottles of sparkling water

these are the bottles of sparkling water that i amassed during worm engagement. a habit that i have developed. i seem to need one now before i can start my meal. it is an expensive habit.

bored

second week at my new job and im bored. thoroughly bored. to the extent that i had to get coffee to keep my eyes from closing. hope that im not jinxing myself by saying that i have nothing much to do. not sure if this is just the start. i would think so, hopefully. but even if there are things to do, im not sure how exciting they can get and how long they will sustain me. perhaps now i finally know that accounting is not my cup of tea, no matter what industry i am in.

got to start plotting my next move. but it can only materialize 18 months later. holy cow! or if i quit within a month, and call this period a sabbathical one. hmm.. perhaps perhaps..

back with a revengeance

its been a while. its a living hell to be not connected. finally got my own laptop. dell inspiron E1405. the best that i can afford. still cost me $738. im so broke now.

realization

ive been running many errands these 2 weeks. pretty proud of myself.

- last thurs: body checkup
- last fri: dentist
- this mon: gynae checkup. did my first pap-smear. ouch, it hurts!
- today wed: braced myself and stepped into DMV.

coincidentally, i happened to catch an episode of Family Guy last sunday and they showed a scene in DMV, whereby peter's grand-uncle was arguing with the staff at DMV and yes, she was a black, er i meant african american (aa). oh well, its pretty much a de javu feeling when i stepped in today. not that im a white, but the whole place is literally run by aas. i dont understand why they dont staff more people at the written test counter. they have only 1 lady marking scripts of 20 people for each round. oh well, i passed so its a huge relief.

the whole point of this entry is that i have never felt that im so much on my own, till im here. i plan my own stuff, what i want to do, how i want to take care of myself, what i want to eat for dinner, when i want to do my groceries, when i want to do my laundry, if i want to go to the park or the gym. the list can go on. its daunting and yet amazing that im still surviving. all these are pretty mundane stuff, nothing serious. but this is living.

i broke down finally

back home, when the sky turns dark, my panic button will be switched on. fear will overcome me. fear of the darkness. fear that time is running out. fear of tomorrow. fear of the unknown. i ll run to marmi, i whine to her. she always knows how to soothe me.

i had that just now, for the first time that i could recall. and i was sobbing uncontrollably. i dint know what happened. i was going through the laptop, sorting documents to be written; going through lotus to forward mails. memories flooded me. i got scared, that things are getting real, that im really going to go at the end of the week. i looked out and it was gettting dimmer. the fear set in. i was alone. oh no, im really alone. i broke down.

i know i ll be going through this cycle countless times, at least for the remaining of the week. no matter how much advice and assurance im getting from friends, i am still scared.

monday morning

monday morning is always a slow one. im sitting at my cube, 29-056c. my neighbor is here but the row of people sitting behind me is not here yet. there is no hustle and buzz yet. i have my radio on and the divider blocks me from the sight of other people. its hard not to ponder about things, hard to stop my mind from wandering. its painful. its hard to move on to places, to other things cos i dont know how not to look back to see what i have left behind- nice co-workers, friends, familiar surrounding, comfort zone, security. why cant i stop thinking? can someone teach me how to move on? its almost unbearable, and im short of tearing myself up.

鸟人

今天，我收到妈妈寄来的信。 读了之后，我不禁留泪。

perhaps, i could make use of the chinese software to recap on my chinese. goodness, it took me so long to type the above out.

checked out another japanese restaurant. luckily yakitori totto，鸟人 dint blow us away, the bill that is. it was a great dinner, would definitely be back.

to the point

"im still missing him 2 weeks have passed and im still counting"

"i miss him that its hurting me so much i want him so badly but i cant tell him"

"im still missing him so badly 7/5 wed night"

"i miss him nothing is numbing the pain"

"i miss him... so badly"

"i miss him so much now that its almost unbearable i can feel my heart wrenching, if only i can let it all out, if only i can cry out loud 7/21 fri night"

wake up call from b: either give up or try harder. the middle way is a dead end.

guilt

its a disastrous sushi outing. sushi of gari dint disappoint. but the bill came up to $403.50 for 3 of us. erm, err... im alright with it cos the combinations of the sushi with the various sauce/garnish blew me away. just like the bill. she had gastric. i cant helped but blamed myself for it. cos the dinner reservation was at 930pm and we got served only after 10pm. guessed rice doesnt go too well with an empty stomach.

sigh =(

key words

Part I
"bite down"
"harder"
"open"
"bite down"

Part II
"move towards me"
"move away from me"

Yes, these were the keywords from my dentist this morning. the first part was what she said while taking 18 x-rays of my teeth. the second part was said when she was cleaning my teeth. interesting huh?

entertainment

he s right. i was in his room for entertainment. to steal time to be with him. though i was a wretched soul cos i screwed myself for quitting my job. i couldnt think, couldnt talk much, totally unfunctional. i sat there quietly, watching him work. it was quite an experience. 

asia de cuba

playing with reflection

Asia de cuba, treat from bobby on tues. glad that they have the famed calamari salad as part of their pri fix. it was really good.

evaporating

chilling out in central park on sunday

new york is unbelievably hot and humid these few days. the whole city is like a sauna. when i walk around outside, i can feel the heat rising from below, right through and up my skirt. the sun rays will be so intense that i get a headache just by hanging out for 5 mins. its madness.

accomplished and blissed

im feeling happy now. im on my bed, in my pjs and blogging. what i have done today:

(1) paper in the morning which ended at 1031am.
(2) prilgrim visit to chinatown
(3) impromtu decision to trim my hair
(4) shopped at 5th ave: the a&f male models are back! haha they are so cute and blonde and toned. nice.
(5) cleaned up my room

feeling so accomplished! and the next thing that i wanted to do is to snuggle on my bed and read my magazines, which i will be doing after finishing up this entry.

i must stop doing online shopping and build up my stamina for shopping again. my feet are so sore now, after only 3 hours of shopping.

faith, trust, peace.

raspberries

right now, im so in love with these cute creations called raspberries. 

wtf

i couldnt bear with the solitary hours and head out to starbucks to study. 1.5 hrs into it and 1.5 hrs more before it closed, something freak had to happen to me. noted that the guy nearest to me left. then a strong BO swept past me. i looked back, trying to catch hold of that person. it was some black, geared in a jersey, long hair and unkempt look. next thing i know, that smell was right next to me. to my horror, he has plonged down right next to me. i dared not looked into the window reflection but i could hear and smell him breathe. every fiber of my being tensed up and i couldnt breathe for that few seconds. i dint know what he was going to do: demand money from me? demand my laptop? take my drink? assault me? i couldnt think. all i know was that he was either staring at my screen or me or both. it took 10 seconds before my trembling fingers could type alt+f+c to close the program and shut the laptop. not sure how i pluck myself from my seat. i was shaking badly. i was scared he would follow me.

now im feeling so vulunerable and traumatized. gulped. wtf.

what is wrong with me???

something is seriously very wrong with me. why am i so emotionally constipated and impatient when i talk to my mum now? what is wrong with me?

un-hospitable

im plotting to have a beach vacation for that break that i will be able to get. i emailed jy and asked her if she wants to go to miami with me and then spend the rest of the time in ny. she was keen but she has added that she may have a friend coming with her. ashamed to admit, i found myself thinking twice. i was going to reply, i'd rather not. but i have yet to do it cos i think the politically correct answer is, oh of course, she is more than welcome to stay with me too. im torned.

bao has never bothered to keep in touch since jc. i think we met up <5 times between then and before i came to ny. she had requested to leave her stuff with me while she is in boston and then to stay with me before she heads up for school. i dint reject the first part, though i admit that i wasnt particularly helpful. and i said no to the second part cos i needed full concentration and peace for my mugging. in the end, perhaps she got the idea, so she has found alternatives for both parts of her plan.

on hindsight, i wished that i was more helpful but i guessed i couldnt care more. how people just appear in your life and expect to be taken care of, just because we have a history. im not forgoing the friendship but im not going the extra mile to keep it.

so for jy, i have not decided. should i tell her, erm i can only take you in OR sure, bring your friend along too. my apartment is a hotel.

$150

this is the reward for the period of hard work from april till date. not in cold hard cash but something that i can charge through. and naturally a meal would be perfect. so im plotting who is going to be my date.

the story goes...

tangled up

and so the call came on sat. he called to say hello. have not talked to him on the phone for 2 weeks i think. though there were msges everyday, just hi and whatever, nothing memorable. i just woke up from a nap, wasnt functioning properly. dint know what to say, so i said, oh that s nice of you. he: im not trying to be nice, i called to say hello. have not heard from you and thought that you were avoiding me. erm ok. what am i to think of that? i wasnt avoiding you, you were freaking busy that i thought its better that i stay away. then i got direct and said: when do i see you next? think i was really blurry. not sure why i said that. anyway, its this jul 4th weekend. sigh its in a mess. i wish its not so hard. why is it so not easy? is it bad timing? i dont think its me. he s just so freaking busy but then again, if i were in his position, i think i ll try to make time if i have this person in my priority. so im concluding that im not his priority. ouch! it hurts to come to this kind of conclusion myself. that s why i dont know what to do. i dont want to try too hard. actually i dont even try now cos i cant understand him. i wasnt doing too well for that 2 weeks and the call came and it ended the misery. but i may have to start counting again. wtf. nothing is smooth. june is bad. maybe july will be better for me.

sitting.waiting.wishing

this is jack johnson's song but its a good title. it describes my life in full. there is a looming deadline today but i have no motivation. i think my funds are kinda done. im pretty comfortable with things. and im dead tired so i cant find the energy to be very driven today. totally missed the alarm for the past two days that i thought that it wasnt working anymore. so i woke up at 7am in panic today, cos i wanted to go for the gym lesson which was at 7am. i tested the alarm, yes it is still working so i guessed i must have been too tired to not hear it. made it to the gym and sweat myself all out. was good, as usual. though it is much nicer to jog in the park now but i figured that the air after 7am will be polluted since there will be traffic in the park then, so i hit the gym instead.

i need a blue sky vacation- another line from daniel powter's bad day. i seriously need one. have not had a proper break since beginning of the year. think i ll try to fight for 2 weeks break before the next job starts.

i panicked last night. had a great fear of the unknown of my future. i called ting and blabbered nonsense. i guessed i needed her to calm me down, though she would not be in the best position to offer me great advice since our career path is so different. im holding out for more time, once again since i have not received the receipt yet. and i st h today but he mysteriously disappeared so i guess im postponing the showdown to tomorrow. doubt there is any turning back at this point in time but i need assurance from people badly- that it is cool to make the move, that im not being foolish, that im not heading the wrong direction. oh well, it is really thinking aloud to rationalize my case. it sucks to get away from status quo. but if i stay on, i may start to grumble yet again and will be so curious of what i am missing out. why am i so contradictory?

i hope no one is reading this entry cos im blabbering and i think my english sucks.

a day filled with rainbows

balloons and gay pridefest

gay pridefest- messy and colorful. to me, its all about the rainbow balloons and flags, the pina colada and funnel cake.

Cafe Wha? was awesome! 

in His time

God has a gentle way to call people to his side. de initiated to come to church with me today. since day 1 when i start going to this church, the Father has never come by the pews to talk to anyone, or at least to me. but today, Father Collins came by to talk to James, who was sitting behind us and then he took note of us and started chatting with us. When church ended and we were about to go off, to my surprise, Ken came up to me too. While chatting away, Father Collins came by again and asked after De. I would say that these are magical moments. I hoped that de took something away with him from this beautiful morning.

Ting has gone to church with me too; similarly, when bangsters visited, both of them went to church with me. These were pleasant surprises because i had never expected them to want to "check out" church. Although nothing has happened since their visit, I am sure God is working in their lives, in every possible way.

marmi and me

i threw tantrums at marmi over the phone just now. she mentioned something to someone that i felt she shouldnt have. something about my job changing plan. her rationale: it didnt matter if i got it or not, so it didnt matter that she told people about it.

i was upset. i raised my voice and basically rebuked her that she was in no position to conclude things for me, i.e. things that she views as un-impt do not mean that they are so for me. i need her to put herself in my situation, to understand and accept why i need to come to ny, why i like to travel, why i like to hang out with my friends, why i dont like to stay at home, why i like shopping, ..... btw, my number of shopping trips have halved, though this doesnt mean that money spent has halved; i choose to chill at home than hang out when i m not in the mood to hang, so i dont just go with the flow.

so its just upsetting that we always have these recurring issues. and i ll handle them so badly each time. i ll just keep quiet over the phone, and the next time i speak, i ll basically cut her off and say "i have to go" and slam the phone down. cos i cant bear to deal with it and the only solution each time is to: RUN away.

so my mood is all fucked up now. and ny is cloudy today so its sucky. and i m regretting big time, yet again. wished that i handled it better, but i know that the next time it happens again, i ll have no resolute and patience to handle it calmly. and i also think that i ll be punished one day for my action cos this is so not the way to treat people who loves me more than themselves.

im sorry, marmi.

dainbramage is playing "Everybody hurts"- R.E.M. How apt.

run

fortunate turn of events. was at the jpmchase corporate run in central park yesterday. was supposed to go with eliza. turned out that john had no one to go with, so we all went together. during the race, me and john went ahead, with eliza doing her walks and sprints. when we got back to ey tent, i saw ak, then another familiar body sitting on the grass. figured that it was the evil pair though i dint see the other face. my body shivered and for that moment, i thanked god for blessing me with john. we dint hang ard and left together. i left eliza a msg, apologizing that " i had to bolt cos i think i saw the evil pair". i cracked her up, she said.

so there are many incidents in my life now, that are beyond my control. and its good that if i can slowly let go and trust that HE will take care of me.

penalized

i think im a good girl. but somehow there are more cons than pros to be a goody two-shoes. not that i want to be one or not, but its the way im brought up , the people i hang out with, my family and my religion. its just the way im. and not to be mistaken, im not hating the way im. but i cant help but feel that it may be putting guys off, thinking that its too daunting to go out with me.

thank you christina for concreting my faith in myself.

grracee says:
sometimes, i feel that im too goodyshoe for many guys. they ll look at me and think its too "daunting" to go out w me. do you know what i mean?

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
yes

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
but i think the guy for you will appreciate that and your pureness will be a stability factor for him

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
you are lovely grace

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
and i think that the man who finds you is wise and will truly deserve you

grracee says:
thanks babe

grracee says:
only he who knows

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
get out of new york.... away from the cranky ppl...

markt

lightings at Markt

im still recovering... 

moving on

wh has left US, for good. met him for lunch and he was in his bubbly self. i told him im so glad to see him so forward-looking and happy. he agreed and added goodness would follow wherever he goes. inside me, it was rather turbulent, though i dint show it. i dont like friends to be away from me.

talked to lily on msn yesterday, first time since she left. she updated me with the drama but i know all will be good with her, cos she will make things happen for herself and all she ever wants is to be with m forever and ever and that wish has been granted.

im moving on too. think im in a better state than last week. and i have accepted the offer, after spending some quiet time in church.

sponge

empty - bittersweet coffee ice-cream

i feel inadequate and small when i talk to him. he knows lotsa crap and im just trying to be a sponge - trying to absorb as much as i can. but i will never be able to catch up.

rock-port

this collage sums up the weekend. Lobster at Rockport, Oishii for dinner, Top of the Hub for drinks, Picco for brunch. plenty of merry making.

was a very good trip, though i missed him so much.

b o r e d

im still bored, so bored that i can cry. and i escaped it last night by going to sleep. what can i do with my life? its not pms. so why the sudden restlessness and boredom and hollowness im feeling? its scary. cos i dont know what is wrong. if i know, i would think that i can try to tackle it. going on roadtrips are not helping at all. nothing seems fun anymore.

and im pigging out. constantly hungry. nothing satisfies that hunger.

utterly bored

goodness gracious im so bored now that i dont know what i should do. a heineken helped to nurse me out of my misery last weekend. is that the cure for me now? 

another closure

after 1 in-office lunch, 1 dinner/supper, 1 in-office dinner, 1 hand massage, 1 kiss and 5 weeks of checking out my plans for the weekend, followed with promises of " i ll ring you", i have decided its best for me to have a closure to things. im not holding myself out to him anymore. things will revert to pure friendship starting tomorrow.

i have realized my ability to walk away from things. i will not make any more exception for him.

pseudo beach vacation-wet hampton trip

feet washing in water from the Atlantic Ocean

weather was rainy on sat, resulting in chilling out in restaurants and the car, rather than tanning on the beach. i thanked my friends for being spontaneous enough, to act on my proposed idea of "let s head out to the hampton for the weekend". a lesson learnt- to check the weather forecast before making plans.

visit to the Lighthouse at Montauk gave a positive closure to the get-away.

its back to another blue week.