un-hospitable

im plotting to have a beach vacation for that break that i will be able to get. i emailed jy and asked her if she wants to go to miami with me and then spend the rest of the time in ny. she was keen but she has added that she may have a friend coming with her. ashamed to admit, i found myself thinking twice. i was going to reply, i'd rather not. but i have yet to do it cos i think the politically correct answer is, oh of course, she is more than welcome to stay with me too. im torned.

bao has never bothered to keep in touch since jc. i think we met up <5 times between then and before i came to ny. she had requested to leave her stuff with me while she is in boston and then to stay with me before she heads up for school. i dint reject the first part, though i admit that i wasnt particularly helpful. and i said no to the second part cos i needed full concentration and peace for my mugging. in the end, perhaps she got the idea, so she has found alternatives for both parts of her plan.

on hindsight, i wished that i was more helpful but i guessed i couldnt care more. how people just appear in your life and expect to be taken care of, just because we have a history. im not forgoing the friendship but im not going the extra mile to keep it.

so for jy, i have not decided. should i tell her, erm i can only take you in OR sure, bring your friend along too. my apartment is a hotel.

$150

this is the reward for the period of hard work from april till date. not in cold hard cash but something that i can charge through. and naturally a meal would be perfect. so im plotting who is going to be my date.

the story goes...

tangled up

and so the call came on sat. he called to say hello. have not talked to him on the phone for 2 weeks i think. though there were msges everyday, just hi and whatever, nothing memorable. i just woke up from a nap, wasnt functioning properly. dint know what to say, so i said, oh that s nice of you. he: im not trying to be nice, i called to say hello. have not heard from you and thought that you were avoiding me. erm ok. what am i to think of that? i wasnt avoiding you, you were freaking busy that i thought its better that i stay away. then i got direct and said: when do i see you next? think i was really blurry. not sure why i said that. anyway, its this jul 4th weekend. sigh its in a mess. i wish its not so hard. why is it so not easy? is it bad timing? i dont think its me. he s just so freaking busy but then again, if i were in his position, i think i ll try to make time if i have this person in my priority. so im concluding that im not his priority. ouch! it hurts to come to this kind of conclusion myself. that s why i dont know what to do. i dont want to try too hard. actually i dont even try now cos i cant understand him. i wasnt doing too well for that 2 weeks and the call came and it ended the misery. but i may have to start counting again. wtf. nothing is smooth. june is bad. maybe july will be better for me.

sitting.waiting.wishing

this is jack johnson's song but its a good title. it describes my life in full. there is a looming deadline today but i have no motivation. i think my funds are kinda done. im pretty comfortable with things. and im dead tired so i cant find the energy to be very driven today. totally missed the alarm for the past two days that i thought that it wasnt working anymore. so i woke up at 7am in panic today, cos i wanted to go for the gym lesson which was at 7am. i tested the alarm, yes it is still working so i guessed i must have been too tired to not hear it. made it to the gym and sweat myself all out. was good, as usual. though it is much nicer to jog in the park now but i figured that the air after 7am will be polluted since there will be traffic in the park then, so i hit the gym instead.

i need a blue sky vacation- another line from daniel powter's bad day. i seriously need one. have not had a proper break since beginning of the year. think i ll try to fight for 2 weeks break before the next job starts.

i panicked last night. had a great fear of the unknown of my future. i called ting and blabbered nonsense. i guessed i needed her to calm me down, though she would not be in the best position to offer me great advice since our career path is so different. im holding out for more time, once again since i have not received the receipt yet. and i st h today but he mysteriously disappeared so i guess im postponing the showdown to tomorrow. doubt there is any turning back at this point in time but i need assurance from people badly- that it is cool to make the move, that im not being foolish, that im not heading the wrong direction. oh well, it is really thinking aloud to rationalize my case. it sucks to get away from status quo. but if i stay on, i may start to grumble yet again and will be so curious of what i am missing out. why am i so contradictory?

i hope no one is reading this entry cos im blabbering and i think my english sucks.

a day filled with rainbows

balloons and gay pridefest

gay pridefest- messy and colorful. to me, its all about the rainbow balloons and flags, the pina colada and funnel cake.

Cafe Wha? was awesome! 

in His time

God has a gentle way to call people to his side. de initiated to come to church with me today. since day 1 when i start going to this church, the Father has never come by the pews to talk to anyone, or at least to me. but today, Father Collins came by to talk to James, who was sitting behind us and then he took note of us and started chatting with us. When church ended and we were about to go off, to my surprise, Ken came up to me too. While chatting away, Father Collins came by again and asked after De. I would say that these are magical moments. I hoped that de took something away with him from this beautiful morning.

Ting has gone to church with me too; similarly, when bangsters visited, both of them went to church with me. These were pleasant surprises because i had never expected them to want to "check out" church. Although nothing has happened since their visit, I am sure God is working in their lives, in every possible way.

marmi and me

i threw tantrums at marmi over the phone just now. she mentioned something to someone that i felt she shouldnt have. something about my job changing plan. her rationale: it didnt matter if i got it or not, so it didnt matter that she told people about it.

i was upset. i raised my voice and basically rebuked her that she was in no position to conclude things for me, i.e. things that she views as un-impt do not mean that they are so for me. i need her to put herself in my situation, to understand and accept why i need to come to ny, why i like to travel, why i like to hang out with my friends, why i dont like to stay at home, why i like shopping, ..... btw, my number of shopping trips have halved, though this doesnt mean that money spent has halved; i choose to chill at home than hang out when i m not in the mood to hang, so i dont just go with the flow.

so its just upsetting that we always have these recurring issues. and i ll handle them so badly each time. i ll just keep quiet over the phone, and the next time i speak, i ll basically cut her off and say "i have to go" and slam the phone down. cos i cant bear to deal with it and the only solution each time is to: RUN away.

so my mood is all fucked up now. and ny is cloudy today so its sucky. and i m regretting big time, yet again. wished that i handled it better, but i know that the next time it happens again, i ll have no resolute and patience to handle it calmly. and i also think that i ll be punished one day for my action cos this is so not the way to treat people who loves me more than themselves.

im sorry, marmi.

dainbramage is playing "Everybody hurts"- R.E.M. How apt.

run

fortunate turn of events. was at the jpmchase corporate run in central park yesterday. was supposed to go with eliza. turned out that john had no one to go with, so we all went together. during the race, me and john went ahead, with eliza doing her walks and sprints. when we got back to ey tent, i saw ak, then another familiar body sitting on the grass. figured that it was the evil pair though i dint see the other face. my body shivered and for that moment, i thanked god for blessing me with john. we dint hang ard and left together. i left eliza a msg, apologizing that " i had to bolt cos i think i saw the evil pair". i cracked her up, she said.

so there are many incidents in my life now, that are beyond my control. and its good that if i can slowly let go and trust that HE will take care of me.

penalized

i think im a good girl. but somehow there are more cons than pros to be a goody two-shoes. not that i want to be one or not, but its the way im brought up , the people i hang out with, my family and my religion. its just the way im. and not to be mistaken, im not hating the way im. but i cant help but feel that it may be putting guys off, thinking that its too daunting to go out with me.

thank you christina for concreting my faith in myself.

grracee says:
sometimes, i feel that im too goodyshoe for many guys. they ll look at me and think its too "daunting" to go out w me. do you know what i mean?

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
yes

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
but i think the guy for you will appreciate that and your pureness will be a stability factor for him

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
you are lovely grace

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
and i think that the man who finds you is wise and will truly deserve you

grracee says:
thanks babe

grracee says:
only he who knows

=jazz babe: Need shoes= says:
get out of new york.... away from the cranky ppl...

markt

lightings at Markt

im still recovering... 

moving on

wh has left US, for good. met him for lunch and he was in his bubbly self. i told him im so glad to see him so forward-looking and happy. he agreed and added goodness would follow wherever he goes. inside me, it was rather turbulent, though i dint show it. i dont like friends to be away from me.

talked to lily on msn yesterday, first time since she left. she updated me with the drama but i know all will be good with her, cos she will make things happen for herself and all she ever wants is to be with m forever and ever and that wish has been granted.

im moving on too. think im in a better state than last week. and i have accepted the offer, after spending some quiet time in church.

sponge

empty - bittersweet coffee ice-cream

i feel inadequate and small when i talk to him. he knows lotsa crap and im just trying to be a sponge - trying to absorb as much as i can. but i will never be able to catch up.

rock-port

this collage sums up the weekend. Lobster at Rockport, Oishii for dinner, Top of the Hub for drinks, Picco for brunch. plenty of merry making.

was a very good trip, though i missed him so much.

b o r e d

im still bored, so bored that i can cry. and i escaped it last night by going to sleep. what can i do with my life? its not pms. so why the sudden restlessness and boredom and hollowness im feeling? its scary. cos i dont know what is wrong. if i know, i would think that i can try to tackle it. going on roadtrips are not helping at all. nothing seems fun anymore.

and im pigging out. constantly hungry. nothing satisfies that hunger.

utterly bored

goodness gracious im so bored now that i dont know what i should do. a heineken helped to nurse me out of my misery last weekend. is that the cure for me now? 

another closure

after 1 in-office lunch, 1 dinner/supper, 1 in-office dinner, 1 hand massage, 1 kiss and 5 weeks of checking out my plans for the weekend, followed with promises of " i ll ring you", i have decided its best for me to have a closure to things. im not holding myself out to him anymore. things will revert to pure friendship starting tomorrow.

i have realized my ability to walk away from things. i will not make any more exception for him.

pseudo beach vacation-wet hampton trip

feet washing in water from the Atlantic Ocean

weather was rainy on sat, resulting in chilling out in restaurants and the car, rather than tanning on the beach. i thanked my friends for being spontaneous enough, to act on my proposed idea of "let s head out to the hampton for the weekend". a lesson learnt- to check the weather forecast before making plans.

visit to the Lighthouse at Montauk gave a positive closure to the get-away.

its back to another blue week.