realization

ive been running many errands these 2 weeks. pretty proud of myself.

- last thurs: body checkup
- last fri: dentist
- this mon: gynae checkup. did my first pap-smear. ouch, it hurts!
- today wed: braced myself and stepped into DMV.

coincidentally, i happened to catch an episode of Family Guy last sunday and they showed a scene in DMV, whereby peter's grand-uncle was arguing with the staff at DMV and yes, she was a black, er i meant african american (aa). oh well, its pretty much a de javu feeling when i stepped in today. not that im a white, but the whole place is literally run by aas. i dont understand why they dont staff more people at the written test counter. they have only 1 lady marking scripts of 20 people for each round. oh well, i passed so its a huge relief.

the whole point of this entry is that i have never felt that im so much on my own, till im here. i plan my own stuff, what i want to do, how i want to take care of myself, what i want to eat for dinner, when i want to do my groceries, when i want to do my laundry, if i want to go to the park or the gym. the list can go on. its daunting and yet amazing that im still surviving. all these are pretty mundane stuff, nothing serious. but this is living.

i broke down finally

back home, when the sky turns dark, my panic button will be switched on. fear will overcome me. fear of the darkness. fear that time is running out. fear of tomorrow. fear of the unknown. i ll run to marmi, i whine to her. she always knows how to soothe me.

i had that just now, for the first time that i could recall. and i was sobbing uncontrollably. i dint know what happened. i was going through the laptop, sorting documents to be written; going through lotus to forward mails. memories flooded me. i got scared, that things are getting real, that im really going to go at the end of the week. i looked out and it was gettting dimmer. the fear set in. i was alone. oh no, im really alone. i broke down.

i know i ll be going through this cycle countless times, at least for the remaining of the week. no matter how much advice and assurance im getting from friends, i am still scared.

monday morning

monday morning is always a slow one. im sitting at my cube, 29-056c. my neighbor is here but the row of people sitting behind me is not here yet. there is no hustle and buzz yet. i have my radio on and the divider blocks me from the sight of other people. its hard not to ponder about things, hard to stop my mind from wandering. its painful. its hard to move on to places, to other things cos i dont know how not to look back to see what i have left behind- nice co-workers, friends, familiar surrounding, comfort zone, security. why cant i stop thinking? can someone teach me how to move on? its almost unbearable, and im short of tearing myself up.

鸟人

今天，我收到妈妈寄来的信。 读了之后，我不禁留泪。

perhaps, i could make use of the chinese software to recap on my chinese. goodness, it took me so long to type the above out.

checked out another japanese restaurant. luckily yakitori totto，鸟人 dint blow us away, the bill that is. it was a great dinner, would definitely be back.

to the point

"im still missing him 2 weeks have passed and im still counting"

"i miss him that its hurting me so much i want him so badly but i cant tell him"

"im still missing him so badly 7/5 wed night"

"i miss him nothing is numbing the pain"

"i miss him... so badly"

"i miss him so much now that its almost unbearable i can feel my heart wrenching, if only i can let it all out, if only i can cry out loud 7/21 fri night"

wake up call from b: either give up or try harder. the middle way is a dead end.

guilt

its a disastrous sushi outing. sushi of gari dint disappoint. but the bill came up to $403.50 for 3 of us. erm, err... im alright with it cos the combinations of the sushi with the various sauce/garnish blew me away. just like the bill. she had gastric. i cant helped but blamed myself for it. cos the dinner reservation was at 930pm and we got served only after 10pm. guessed rice doesnt go too well with an empty stomach.

sigh =(

key words

Part I
"bite down"
"harder"
"open"
"bite down"

Part II
"move towards me"
"move away from me"

Yes, these were the keywords from my dentist this morning. the first part was what she said while taking 18 x-rays of my teeth. the second part was said when she was cleaning my teeth. interesting huh?

entertainment

he s right. i was in his room for entertainment. to steal time to be with him. though i was a wretched soul cos i screwed myself for quitting my job. i couldnt think, couldnt talk much, totally unfunctional. i sat there quietly, watching him work. it was quite an experience. 

asia de cuba

playing with reflection

Asia de cuba, treat from bobby on tues. glad that they have the famed calamari salad as part of their pri fix. it was really good.

evaporating

chilling out in central park on sunday

new york is unbelievably hot and humid these few days. the whole city is like a sauna. when i walk around outside, i can feel the heat rising from below, right through and up my skirt. the sun rays will be so intense that i get a headache just by hanging out for 5 mins. its madness.

accomplished and blissed

im feeling happy now. im on my bed, in my pjs and blogging. what i have done today:

(1) paper in the morning which ended at 1031am.
(2) prilgrim visit to chinatown
(3) impromtu decision to trim my hair
(4) shopped at 5th ave: the a&f male models are back! haha they are so cute and blonde and toned. nice.
(5) cleaned up my room

feeling so accomplished! and the next thing that i wanted to do is to snuggle on my bed and read my magazines, which i will be doing after finishing up this entry.

i must stop doing online shopping and build up my stamina for shopping again. my feet are so sore now, after only 3 hours of shopping.

faith, trust, peace.

raspberries

right now, im so in love with these cute creations called raspberries. 

wtf

i couldnt bear with the solitary hours and head out to starbucks to study. 1.5 hrs into it and 1.5 hrs more before it closed, something freak had to happen to me. noted that the guy nearest to me left. then a strong BO swept past me. i looked back, trying to catch hold of that person. it was some black, geared in a jersey, long hair and unkempt look. next thing i know, that smell was right next to me. to my horror, he has plonged down right next to me. i dared not looked into the window reflection but i could hear and smell him breathe. every fiber of my being tensed up and i couldnt breathe for that few seconds. i dint know what he was going to do: demand money from me? demand my laptop? take my drink? assault me? i couldnt think. all i know was that he was either staring at my screen or me or both. it took 10 seconds before my trembling fingers could type alt+f+c to close the program and shut the laptop. not sure how i pluck myself from my seat. i was shaking badly. i was scared he would follow me.

now im feeling so vulunerable and traumatized. gulped. wtf.

what is wrong with me???

something is seriously very wrong with me. why am i so emotionally constipated and impatient when i talk to my mum now? what is wrong with me?