I was humbled

Nicaragua - Hogar Belen - 8.12.06 to 8.19.06

Waking up to the crowings of the rooster and the wailings of the children; the search in the dark because electricity was cut off (periodically); sticky t-shirt clinging onto my body; scratching my limbs, to find 5 new bites each day; fishing toilet paper from the toilet bowl because I was supposed to throw them into a bin so as to avoid clogging the bowl; swearing under my breath because I forgot yet again not to rinse my toothbrush under the tap water; trickling water from the shower head that took me half hour to wash my hair.

It is weird that I am trying to adjust back to my "normal" life. The polluted air in nyc smells so refreshing and clean after all. I had to stop myself from saying "hola" and "gracias" while I was at Wholefoods on Sunday. The days of no more baby wipes and hand sanitizer.

It was a week of reconciliation with myself. For the times that I did volunteering, I had many moments of weakness. It was no exception this time round. I was not able to accept the so called misery that I saw. I broke down uncontrollably because I could not understand why these children were not having the love and care that I had when I was their age. I felt helpless. I felt that my week there with them would not be making a difference to their lives.

My team mate Ken shared with me. He told me to see it as a humbling experience, that we human beings are limited. There is a greater person who is in charge. I was glad that I shared with him.

There were some kids that were always picked up by us because they are cute and cuddly. That was me initially. However, I made a buddy at the end. Jason lost an eye and has mild cerebral paralysis. He was chained up to a chair before he was brought to the home. I noticed Jason on his bed. No one bothered him much. I saw the caretaker wheeling him for his meals. No one takes him for a walk. I asked if he could walk. She said yes. I went to his bed and started talking to him, trying to get him to respond to me. Slowly, he leaned over and took my hands. I was over-whelmed by his strength. I had to free my hands from his, as I could hear them cracking under the force. He left bruises on my hands.

The next day, I went over to him again. He responded to my clappings. His face had a smile and he reached out to my hands, twisting them again for familiarity. This time, I carried him off his bed and put him on his feet. I said to him, Jason, walk. You can walk. You can walk. Slowly we made our way to a chair, where he leaned against my body and played with my hands.

On Friday, I decided that I was going to take him for a little adventure. I asked the caretaker for shoes. The shoes fitting session was cute. After fitting on the sandels for him, Jason lifted his right leg to his face. I think he was trying to see and feel the thing on his foot. I stopped him from bitting the sandel. We started out on our walk. It was as if he was walking on ice. He slipped a few times. Slowly, he grew accustomed to the shoes on him and we made our way to the swing where I placed him on it and we enjoyed our quiet morning together.

Another powerful encounter was at Chureka. This is a dump site, where there are communities living there. We were there to hand out supplies to the single mothers, who came in troops with their children. It was a sight. It was the epitome of survival skills. I caught myself holding my breath. There was no way I could have survived in that condition. The air smelt of waste and ash. Everything looked grey, including the kids. Most of them had no clothes on. Their skin was grey. I could see some form of skin condition on them. But they all had big eyes and as our eyes met, we found ourselves smiling at one another. I was in charge of handling out baby clothes. It became a clothes fitting session, which became hell lots of fun.

Our van took us around the site. There were many vultures. A truck came to load the trash and adults and kids alike raced to the truck. As our van drove out of the dump, we were all in deep thoughts. The van made a turn and civilization welcomed us. The dump seemed so unreal.

change jobs

do i believe in Him? Yes I do. Daily reading from veritas seems to be speaking to me.

CHANGE JOBS

'What profit would a man show if he were to gain the whole world and destroy himself in the process?' Matthew 16:26

Every human being wants to show a profit. Most try to save their lives by taking control of things, working hard, and making things happen. That's what Nineveh did. They raised up great armies and undertook monumental campaigns. By human standards it appeared they were showing a profit, but it turned out just the opposite. The end result for Nineveh was: 'Everyone who sees you runs from you, saying, 'Nineveh is destroyed; who can pity her?' ' (Na 3:7)

The same thing happens to individuals. If we take charge of our lives, it will backfire and we ruin them (Mt 16:26). How did we ever get the impression we were the ones to manage our lives? We're just not right for the job and our record proves it. The best thing we can do is deny ourselves and get down to the job we are fitted for, the job of cross-bearing (Mt 16:24). We don't like the job, but by God's grace we can do it well. We can lay down our lives for one another. We can suffer persecution for Jesus' sake. It's difficult, but we can do the job faithfully. Let's quit our volunteer job of running our own lives and accept the job that will give us a profit in the long run. 'Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it' (Mt 16:25).

for the record- 7/27 thurs

i had my confession- "im attracted to you. this is FYI so that i can move on. things have become unbearable for me."

it was a tough act. my cheek muscles were trembling when i said it and my voice kinda wavered.

it was a lie too. it is so not FYI but i said it so as not to make things difficult and uncomfortable.

he s attracted to me too, so he said.

oh well, this is life. life sucks.

fallingwater

uncle on candid

roadtrip to fallingwater for weekend 7/29-30. it was good. the drive to PA was very scenic. the building was nice. the company was great. i was in pain but i did well to stop thinking of unhappy things.

bottles amassed

bottles of sparkling water

these are the bottles of sparkling water that i amassed during worm engagement. a habit that i have developed. i seem to need one now before i can start my meal. it is an expensive habit.

bored

second week at my new job and im bored. thoroughly bored. to the extent that i had to get coffee to keep my eyes from closing. hope that im not jinxing myself by saying that i have nothing much to do. not sure if this is just the start. i would think so, hopefully. but even if there are things to do, im not sure how exciting they can get and how long they will sustain me. perhaps now i finally know that accounting is not my cup of tea, no matter what industry i am in.

got to start plotting my next move. but it can only materialize 18 months later. holy cow! or if i quit within a month, and call this period a sabbathical one. hmm.. perhaps perhaps..

back with a revengeance

its been a while. its a living hell to be not connected. finally got my own laptop. dell inspiron E1405. the best that i can afford. still cost me $738. im so broke now.