there were several times that i felt so low. however, each time i was having my quiet time in church or attending sunday services during these lousy periods, i always felt that i was being spoken to, be it from the readings or the homily given by the father. i picked up the bible last night. something that i havent been too disciplined with. i was thoroughly amazed by the reading that was presented to me. i cried and i had this enormous urge to share it, which i did. something that i dont quite normally do, only with people close to me and whom i know wldnt be uncomfortable with the sharing.
today was the dinner w ey and this clashed with the mustard seed cocktail party. i decided to give the party a miss cos i just thought that business function took precedence. so while reading the bible last night, the second reading was simply perfect for the occasion. i acted on my urge and emailed the gang, though i know of people who arent christians in the emailing group. this was the reading- 2 Cor 9:6-11
"whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. each must do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you so that in all things, always having all you need, you may have abundance for every good work... the one who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed and increase the harvest of your righteousness. you are being enriched in every way for all generosity, which through us produces thanksgiving to God."
isnt this truly amazing??!!
HE always speaks to me, in his own way, in his time. i cant escape his presence at all. im so glad that HE has held on to my little hand and has not given up on me. im so lonely right now but i know i cant say that because i have him.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
6972 yay
balance
i dont know how to reconcile this. i hate people who look you up only when they have favors. so when you hear from them, you know that they have stuff to ask or favors they need help with. this is not a bad thing right? i mean, this is how the world works right?
offhand, i can think of 2 people who are like that. this person called j. i dont even want her to label her as my friend cos we are just like, you know, well, sporeans.. know each other, hang out when there is a gathering for sporeans. but i came to realize that each time i hear from her, its because she wants to know about something. she doesnt call me but she ll msn me. the last round, i cldnt really be bothered cos i dint want to help so i dint reply to her msn.
anyways, this entry is not about her. its abt that friend that broke my heart. so i dint hear from her since the movie date. and i think i probably blogged before that i dont hear from her either, unless she has favors from me. so it is happening again. and im just so vexed. cos i know, to be a nice person, i shld oblige and help her out but i dont really fucking care. so i just want to ignore. but i feel like a jerk if i do that so im so tormented now. that s why im questioning my actions.
offhand, i can think of 2 people who are like that. this person called j. i dont even want her to label her as my friend cos we are just like, you know, well, sporeans.. know each other, hang out when there is a gathering for sporeans. but i came to realize that each time i hear from her, its because she wants to know about something. she doesnt call me but she ll msn me. the last round, i cldnt really be bothered cos i dint want to help so i dint reply to her msn.
anyways, this entry is not about her. its abt that friend that broke my heart. so i dint hear from her since the movie date. and i think i probably blogged before that i dont hear from her either, unless she has favors from me. so it is happening again. and im just so vexed. cos i know, to be a nice person, i shld oblige and help her out but i dont really fucking care. so i just want to ignore. but i feel like a jerk if i do that so im so tormented now. that s why im questioning my actions.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
sugar high
let me list the different varieties of fruits i have in my fridge right now.
the "ries" family: blueberries, cherries, raspberries, strawberries
the melon family: water-melon, cantaloupe
the citrus family: grapefruit, oranges, lemons
the rest: apple, grapes, peach, prunes
pretty scary aint it? is there something called vitamins overdose? i had to stop myself from buying a pineapple and replenish my bananas. the reason why im blogging this is because i find it disturbing. this seems to be some form of behavior that i cant explain nor control. that s why its kinda freaking me out.
the "ries" family: blueberries, cherries, raspberries, strawberries
the melon family: water-melon, cantaloupe
the citrus family: grapefruit, oranges, lemons
the rest: apple, grapes, peach, prunes
pretty scary aint it? is there something called vitamins overdose? i had to stop myself from buying a pineapple and replenish my bananas. the reason why im blogging this is because i find it disturbing. this seems to be some form of behavior that i cant explain nor control. that s why its kinda freaking me out.
6.10 Puerto Rican Day
with the bikesfinally got to go for this, after missing it for two years. the crowd was truly amazing. this got to be the most interesting and rowdy and hot parade amongst all that i have gone for.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Love of the Lord
All that I counted as gain,
now I consider as loss.
Empty and worthless to me,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Riches and honors will fade,
earthly delight disappear.
Fade like the grass of the field,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Silver and gold have I none,
no land to count as my home.
Yet wealth beyond measure I own,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Faith is the wealth I possess,
finding its souce in my God.
Faith in the promise of Christ,
is my life and my love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Chorus
What more could bring us hope than to know the pow'r of his life?
What more could bring us peace than to share in his suff'ring and death?
What more could be our final wish than to live in the love of the Lord?
now I consider as loss.
Empty and worthless to me,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Riches and honors will fade,
earthly delight disappear.
Fade like the grass of the field,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Silver and gold have I none,
no land to count as my home.
Yet wealth beyond measure I own,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Faith is the wealth I possess,
finding its souce in my God.
Faith in the promise of Christ,
is my life and my love of the Lord. (Chorus)
Chorus
What more could bring us hope than to know the pow'r of his life?
What more could bring us peace than to share in his suff'ring and death?
What more could be our final wish than to live in the love of the Lord?
Sunday, June 17, 2007
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words,
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
(In album version but not in music video)
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words,
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
(In album version but not in music video)
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
sperms are cute
this is such a cute article on sperms.. i cracked up aloud at work while reading it. check out the descriptions in pink!
from the nytimes
Sleek, Fast and Focused: The Cells That Make Dad Dad
By NATALIE ANGIER
Published: June 12, 2007
We are fast approaching Father’s Day, the festive occasion on which we plague Dad with yet another necktie or collect phone call and just generally strive to remind the big guy of the central verity of paternity — that it’s a lot more fun to become a father than to be one. “I won’t lie to you,” said the great Homer Simpson. “Fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.” Yet in our insistence that men are more than elaborately engineered gamete vectors, we neglect the marvels of their elaborately engineered gametes. As the scientists who study male germ cells will readily attest, sperm are some of the most extraordinary cells of the body, a triumph of efficient packaging, sleek design and superspecialization. Human sperm are extremely compact, and they’ve been stripped of a normal cell’s protein-making machinery; but when cast into the forbidding environment of the female reproductive tract, they will learn on the job and change their search strategies and swim strokes as needed.
Sperm are also fast and as cute as tadpoles. They have chubby teardrop heads and stylish, tapering tails, and they glide, slither, bumble and do figure-eights. So while a father may not be entitled to take the same pride in his sperm as he does in his kids, it’s fair to celebrate the single-minded cellular commas that helped give those children their start.
Sperm are pretty much the tiniest cells in the human body. The head of a mature, semen-ready sperm cell spans about 5 microns, or two-thousandths of an inch, less than half the width of a white blood cell or a skin cell. And a sperm cell is absurdly dwarfed by its female counterpart, the egg, which, fittingly or not, is among the biggest cells in the body. At 30 times the width of a sperm, the egg is massive enough to be seen with the naked eye.
But men have the overwhelming quantitative edge in the gamete games. Whereas current evidence suggests that a human female is born with all the eggs she will have, and that only about 500 of her natal stock of one million will ever ripen and have a shot at fertilization, a male from puberty onward is pretty much a nonstop sperm bakery. Each testicle generates more than 4 million new sperm per hour, for a lifetime total of maybe 12 trillion sperm per man (although the numbers vary with the day and generally slope downward with age).
The average ejaculation consists mostly of a teaspoon’s worth of nonspermic seminal fluid, a viscous mix of sugars, citric acid and other ingredients designed to pamper and power the sperm cells and prepare them for difficult times ahead; the sperm proper account for only about 1 percent of the semen mass. Yet in that 1 percent may be found 150 million sperm, 150 million human aspirants yearning to meet their mammoth other halves.
To which one can crack, dream on. Not only are there far too few eggs to go around, but also the majority of sperm couldn’t fertilize an ovum if it were plunked down in front of them. “Only a perfectly normal sperm can penetrate an egg,” said Dr. Harry Fisch, a urologist at Columbia University Medical Center, “and the majority of sperm are abnormally shaped.” Some may have pinheads, others have two heads, some lack tails, a third don’t move at all. As a rule, Dr. Fisch said, a man is lucky if 15 percent of his sperm are serviceable. “One guy I saw had 22 percent,” he said, “but that’s rare.”
Creating sperm is a complex, multistep operation in which immature cells spend one or two months wending through a labyrinth of tubules coiled in the testes, at each stage losing a bit more of the blobby contours and yolky contents of standard cells and assuming the streamlined profile of sperm cells. The operation is a delicate one that must be performed at temperatures some 2 degrees below that of the body, which is why the testicles hang outside the body, where breezes can keep them cool; why a man hoping to become a father is advised to skip the hot baths and saunas; and why a bout of high fever can disrupt fertility for months.
The model sperm that emerges at tubule’s end has, like an insect, three basic body segments. Of crowning importance is the head, which is taken up largely by a supercondensed tangle of 23 chromosomes, half the complement of DNA found in a normal body cell and thus the right number to merge with an egg’s 23 chromosomes and begin tapping out a whole new body. At the tip of the sperm head is the acrosome, a specialized sack of enzymes that help the sperm penetrate through what Joseph S. Tash, a male fertility expert at the University of Kansas Medical Center, calls the “forest” of ancillary cells and connective tissue that surrounds the ripe, ready egg.
Below the head is the midpiece, which is packed with the tiny engines called mitochondria that lend the sperm its motility, and below the midpiece is the tail, a bundle of 11 entwined filaments that thrashes and propels a sperm forward at the estimable pace of one-twelfth of an inch per minute, the equivalent of a human striding at four miles an hour.
Sperm do not really hit their stride until they are deposited in the female reproductive tract, at which point chemical signals from the vaginal and cervical mucus seem to spark them to life. Released from the buffering folds of their seminal delivery blanket, they at first swim straight ahead, torpedo-style, “with very little back and forth of the head,” Dr. Tash said. They may linger in the cervical mucus for a couple of days, or cross the cervix and enter the uterus.
If an egg has burst from its ovarian follicle and been plucked by a fallopian tube, sperm can sense its signature, a telltale shift in calcium ions. The sperm become “hyperactivated,” said Moira O’Bryan, a sperm expert at Monash University in Australia, switching to “a crazed figure-eight motion” ideal for boring through barriers. The ovum eggs them on, signaling some to play the sacrificial kamikaze and explode their enzyme sacks prematurely, loosening the corridor for other, shapelier sperm to pass through intact. A few dozen fine-figured sperm find their way to the final barrier, the egg’s plasma membrane, where they waggle with all their crazy-eight might and beg to be chosen — but only one will be taken, will fuse with the egg and be absorbed into its rich inner sanctum.
In a fraction of a second, an electrical, ionic jolt dramatically changes the egg’s outer coat, to forestall the lethal intrusion of additional sperm.
The wheels are in motion. How do you like your new tie?
from the nytimes
Sleek, Fast and Focused: The Cells That Make Dad Dad
By NATALIE ANGIER
Published: June 12, 2007
We are fast approaching Father’s Day, the festive occasion on which we plague Dad with yet another necktie or collect phone call and just generally strive to remind the big guy of the central verity of paternity — that it’s a lot more fun to become a father than to be one. “I won’t lie to you,” said the great Homer Simpson. “Fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.” Yet in our insistence that men are more than elaborately engineered gamete vectors, we neglect the marvels of their elaborately engineered gametes. As the scientists who study male germ cells will readily attest, sperm are some of the most extraordinary cells of the body, a triumph of efficient packaging, sleek design and superspecialization. Human sperm are extremely compact, and they’ve been stripped of a normal cell’s protein-making machinery; but when cast into the forbidding environment of the female reproductive tract, they will learn on the job and change their search strategies and swim strokes as needed.
Sperm are also fast and as cute as tadpoles. They have chubby teardrop heads and stylish, tapering tails, and they glide, slither, bumble and do figure-eights. So while a father may not be entitled to take the same pride in his sperm as he does in his kids, it’s fair to celebrate the single-minded cellular commas that helped give those children their start.
Sperm are pretty much the tiniest cells in the human body. The head of a mature, semen-ready sperm cell spans about 5 microns, or two-thousandths of an inch, less than half the width of a white blood cell or a skin cell. And a sperm cell is absurdly dwarfed by its female counterpart, the egg, which, fittingly or not, is among the biggest cells in the body. At 30 times the width of a sperm, the egg is massive enough to be seen with the naked eye.
But men have the overwhelming quantitative edge in the gamete games. Whereas current evidence suggests that a human female is born with all the eggs she will have, and that only about 500 of her natal stock of one million will ever ripen and have a shot at fertilization, a male from puberty onward is pretty much a nonstop sperm bakery. Each testicle generates more than 4 million new sperm per hour, for a lifetime total of maybe 12 trillion sperm per man (although the numbers vary with the day and generally slope downward with age).
The average ejaculation consists mostly of a teaspoon’s worth of nonspermic seminal fluid, a viscous mix of sugars, citric acid and other ingredients designed to pamper and power the sperm cells and prepare them for difficult times ahead; the sperm proper account for only about 1 percent of the semen mass. Yet in that 1 percent may be found 150 million sperm, 150 million human aspirants yearning to meet their mammoth other halves.
To which one can crack, dream on. Not only are there far too few eggs to go around, but also the majority of sperm couldn’t fertilize an ovum if it were plunked down in front of them. “Only a perfectly normal sperm can penetrate an egg,” said Dr. Harry Fisch, a urologist at Columbia University Medical Center, “and the majority of sperm are abnormally shaped.” Some may have pinheads, others have two heads, some lack tails, a third don’t move at all. As a rule, Dr. Fisch said, a man is lucky if 15 percent of his sperm are serviceable. “One guy I saw had 22 percent,” he said, “but that’s rare.”
Creating sperm is a complex, multistep operation in which immature cells spend one or two months wending through a labyrinth of tubules coiled in the testes, at each stage losing a bit more of the blobby contours and yolky contents of standard cells and assuming the streamlined profile of sperm cells. The operation is a delicate one that must be performed at temperatures some 2 degrees below that of the body, which is why the testicles hang outside the body, where breezes can keep them cool; why a man hoping to become a father is advised to skip the hot baths and saunas; and why a bout of high fever can disrupt fertility for months.
The model sperm that emerges at tubule’s end has, like an insect, three basic body segments. Of crowning importance is the head, which is taken up largely by a supercondensed tangle of 23 chromosomes, half the complement of DNA found in a normal body cell and thus the right number to merge with an egg’s 23 chromosomes and begin tapping out a whole new body. At the tip of the sperm head is the acrosome, a specialized sack of enzymes that help the sperm penetrate through what Joseph S. Tash, a male fertility expert at the University of Kansas Medical Center, calls the “forest” of ancillary cells and connective tissue that surrounds the ripe, ready egg.
Below the head is the midpiece, which is packed with the tiny engines called mitochondria that lend the sperm its motility, and below the midpiece is the tail, a bundle of 11 entwined filaments that thrashes and propels a sperm forward at the estimable pace of one-twelfth of an inch per minute, the equivalent of a human striding at four miles an hour.
Sperm do not really hit their stride until they are deposited in the female reproductive tract, at which point chemical signals from the vaginal and cervical mucus seem to spark them to life. Released from the buffering folds of their seminal delivery blanket, they at first swim straight ahead, torpedo-style, “with very little back and forth of the head,” Dr. Tash said. They may linger in the cervical mucus for a couple of days, or cross the cervix and enter the uterus.
If an egg has burst from its ovarian follicle and been plucked by a fallopian tube, sperm can sense its signature, a telltale shift in calcium ions. The sperm become “hyperactivated,” said Moira O’Bryan, a sperm expert at Monash University in Australia, switching to “a crazed figure-eight motion” ideal for boring through barriers. The ovum eggs them on, signaling some to play the sacrificial kamikaze and explode their enzyme sacks prematurely, loosening the corridor for other, shapelier sperm to pass through intact. A few dozen fine-figured sperm find their way to the final barrier, the egg’s plasma membrane, where they waggle with all their crazy-eight might and beg to be chosen — but only one will be taken, will fuse with the egg and be absorbed into its rich inner sanctum.
In a fraction of a second, an electrical, ionic jolt dramatically changes the egg’s outer coat, to forestall the lethal intrusion of additional sperm.
The wheels are in motion. How do you like your new tie?
Friday, June 08, 2007
to add on
to add that its was a screening of a movie that has my favorite guy. there was no intention of asking me to watch it together. i was only invited when the bf cld not make it.
im still crying a day after.
im still crying a day after.
i was stung and it hurts
she did it again.
a call came and i was asked if i want to go for a free screening. i was home but i said yes. next qn from me was if bf was going too. reply was oh precisely he cldnt.. i was quiet for 2 seconds cos i dint know how to react exactly. i dint know what to think.. actually not really.. my mind was going in a direction that i dint want to go. it was telling me- oh so im the backup plan. that hurts. geez. but im not supposed to think in that way right? i have a choice right? i can stay home and not go. so if i want to be the backup i cant complain right?
i went nevertheless. it was alright. but of course i could quote small exchanges that i dint think i deserve the treatment given. like how i dint recognize the actor and made a remark an hour into the film so an exaggerated unbelief came from her, which i thought was totally uncalled for.
ultimatum- bf still dint turn up when the screening was done. she called and sweetly said she wld go by his office to wait. from her replies to him, bf was asking her to go home with me, to which she said-ah its fine, she can go back first. she sweetly asked if he had dinner and was going to get porridge for him. knowing that, and not wanting to hang around, since we were not going back together anyway, i tapped on her shoulder, gave a bright smile, and said bye.
my brain was in a turmoil. my heart bleeding. i wanted to cry but my eyes were dry. it was too painful. the backup was done for the day, why would i still need her to hang around?
i have stopped being possesive cos she said i was. i have hardened my heart from all previous incidents. but im not a smart dog who knows old tricks well. i will try not to care. i promise i ll try.
a call came and i was asked if i want to go for a free screening. i was home but i said yes. next qn from me was if bf was going too. reply was oh precisely he cldnt.. i was quiet for 2 seconds cos i dint know how to react exactly. i dint know what to think.. actually not really.. my mind was going in a direction that i dint want to go. it was telling me- oh so im the backup plan. that hurts. geez. but im not supposed to think in that way right? i have a choice right? i can stay home and not go. so if i want to be the backup i cant complain right?
i went nevertheless. it was alright. but of course i could quote small exchanges that i dint think i deserve the treatment given. like how i dint recognize the actor and made a remark an hour into the film so an exaggerated unbelief came from her, which i thought was totally uncalled for.
ultimatum- bf still dint turn up when the screening was done. she called and sweetly said she wld go by his office to wait. from her replies to him, bf was asking her to go home with me, to which she said-ah its fine, she can go back first. she sweetly asked if he had dinner and was going to get porridge for him. knowing that, and not wanting to hang around, since we were not going back together anyway, i tapped on her shoulder, gave a bright smile, and said bye.
my brain was in a turmoil. my heart bleeding. i wanted to cry but my eyes were dry. it was too painful. the backup was done for the day, why would i still need her to hang around?
i have stopped being possesive cos she said i was. i have hardened my heart from all previous incidents. but im not a smart dog who knows old tricks well. i will try not to care. i promise i ll try.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
too playful
this friend worries me. he s getting married soon but why do i get the feeling that he s not ready and probably he s doing it cos its the only thing to do, that they have come to a point that it s time to get married.
so i stepped in for the previous incident with a mutual friend. i wldnt have done what i did. if not for the fact that he is getting married.
so to escape the group dinner i wrote about on 5/29, i went out with this friend. it was nice that i got to check out hoboken in nj. and it was even nicer that the rented car was a 2-door. not sure how it started but after we were done with dinner, he said to go to my place, very naturally, to finish the merlot ive got. but we winded up at his place in the end cos i have no tv and no ac. on the drive back, he started talking about giving him a massage?? well, i dint take him seriously. so at his place, the tv was on. he blasted the ac in the living room and moved the sofa next to the ac and brought out his pillows and made himself comfortable on the sofa. not sure how i agreed to give him his massage. i wasnt doing a good job. well, of course i dint want to do a good job. i felt weird and just wanted to do a sucky one so that he wld get me to stop. but he decided to show me how. hmm.. and not sure why he did that, but he poked me at my sides?? and i jumped. well, im tickish. and gee, he got even more excited cos he found my achilles' heel. so he started to want to grab me and tickle me?? had i not jumped off the sofa, he wld have caught me and i can imagine wrestling with him on the sofa?? it was just too much for me. i didnt want to act as if it was a big deal cos i dint want to think in that way so i had to keep laughing and at the same time, not make the situation uncomfortable?? when the whole time, i was freaking out and what the f is he trying to do?? it cant be the wine. it cant be he s attracted to me. then wtf was he trying to do??
brrrrr madness. he was acting weirdly!! he said i cld stay over but said that i can take his bed and he s staying on the sofa. it was past 1. i was watching the friendly match btw brazil and england. i mumbled, gave lame excuses- no toothbrush, no change of clothes. he said he can supply all. when the match ended, i said i want to go home. so he was luaing on the sofa. was behaving like a kid- 10 min more.. give him a massage and he ll wake up when its done?? when i finally managed to haul him out of the door, he tried to grab me again?? and i literally fell over so he had to grab me?? it was getting very awkward for me. the walk to the car was awkward. he s a perfect gentleman but i was so sensitive that when he dint walk to the driver's seat and instead open the car's door for me, i felt totally off. brrrrr
he dint stop to want to tickle me. so each time he rested his right elbow on the middle support, i wld grab his hand cos i was seriously freaking out- i was paranoid that he was going to grab me. so in the end, i ended grabing his hands and his touch which i was trying to avoid. he came up to check out my place. his actions were sober. not that he was ever drunk but i dint know what got into him. he left after 15 min.
i refused to go in that direction. well he will never know this but if not for the fact that he s getting married, if he s just attached and not getting married, i think i ll probably play along too, just for the fun. but i cldnt bear to do it, knowing that he s getting married!! and i know his wife-to-be.
on the ride home, i was blabbering some nonsense just to make things not awkward so i said, oh im not that tickish, just that im not used to you. cos if im really that tickish, its impossible right? cos then how wld other guys get to touch me. when i said that, there was a painful realization- it has been a while since i have been intimate with someone.
damn tried to escape the awkward dinner and ended up with this weird night.
ok i cant stop blabbering now. but lily is back in town for this week so we went karaoke just now (sat night) and done. so took the train home with zw. and guess what?? when we got out of our car, my crush and his gf got out from the same train too!! just that they were in the next car!! i felt her uncomfortableness when she saw me but i wld like to think that is because im foreign to her. i said hi, and flashed a mega-watts smile. morale of story- things that you painfully want to avoid have a way to get back to you.
ok sleeping.
so i stepped in for the previous incident with a mutual friend. i wldnt have done what i did. if not for the fact that he is getting married.
so to escape the group dinner i wrote about on 5/29, i went out with this friend. it was nice that i got to check out hoboken in nj. and it was even nicer that the rented car was a 2-door. not sure how it started but after we were done with dinner, he said to go to my place, very naturally, to finish the merlot ive got. but we winded up at his place in the end cos i have no tv and no ac. on the drive back, he started talking about giving him a massage?? well, i dint take him seriously. so at his place, the tv was on. he blasted the ac in the living room and moved the sofa next to the ac and brought out his pillows and made himself comfortable on the sofa. not sure how i agreed to give him his massage. i wasnt doing a good job. well, of course i dint want to do a good job. i felt weird and just wanted to do a sucky one so that he wld get me to stop. but he decided to show me how. hmm.. and not sure why he did that, but he poked me at my sides?? and i jumped. well, im tickish. and gee, he got even more excited cos he found my achilles' heel. so he started to want to grab me and tickle me?? had i not jumped off the sofa, he wld have caught me and i can imagine wrestling with him on the sofa?? it was just too much for me. i didnt want to act as if it was a big deal cos i dint want to think in that way so i had to keep laughing and at the same time, not make the situation uncomfortable?? when the whole time, i was freaking out and what the f is he trying to do?? it cant be the wine. it cant be he s attracted to me. then wtf was he trying to do??
brrrrr madness. he was acting weirdly!! he said i cld stay over but said that i can take his bed and he s staying on the sofa. it was past 1. i was watching the friendly match btw brazil and england. i mumbled, gave lame excuses- no toothbrush, no change of clothes. he said he can supply all. when the match ended, i said i want to go home. so he was luaing on the sofa. was behaving like a kid- 10 min more.. give him a massage and he ll wake up when its done?? when i finally managed to haul him out of the door, he tried to grab me again?? and i literally fell over so he had to grab me?? it was getting very awkward for me. the walk to the car was awkward. he s a perfect gentleman but i was so sensitive that when he dint walk to the driver's seat and instead open the car's door for me, i felt totally off. brrrrr
he dint stop to want to tickle me. so each time he rested his right elbow on the middle support, i wld grab his hand cos i was seriously freaking out- i was paranoid that he was going to grab me. so in the end, i ended grabing his hands and his touch which i was trying to avoid. he came up to check out my place. his actions were sober. not that he was ever drunk but i dint know what got into him. he left after 15 min.
i refused to go in that direction. well he will never know this but if not for the fact that he s getting married, if he s just attached and not getting married, i think i ll probably play along too, just for the fun. but i cldnt bear to do it, knowing that he s getting married!! and i know his wife-to-be.
on the ride home, i was blabbering some nonsense just to make things not awkward so i said, oh im not that tickish, just that im not used to you. cos if im really that tickish, its impossible right? cos then how wld other guys get to touch me. when i said that, there was a painful realization- it has been a while since i have been intimate with someone.
damn tried to escape the awkward dinner and ended up with this weird night.
ok i cant stop blabbering now. but lily is back in town for this week so we went karaoke just now (sat night) and done. so took the train home with zw. and guess what?? when we got out of our car, my crush and his gf got out from the same train too!! just that they were in the next car!! i felt her uncomfortableness when she saw me but i wld like to think that is because im foreign to her. i said hi, and flashed a mega-watts smile. morale of story- things that you painfully want to avoid have a way to get back to you.
ok sleeping.
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