hurt

im pretty much numb these days. i know that i have kinda built a wall around myself from the people around me. i dont put much emphasis on human relationships anymore. well, i am still a very genuine and sincere person. i dont lie or cheat or stab others to get ahead. with so-called friends, i care for them. i think i will probably be there for them when they call to whine, to talk about themselves, to have someone to hang out with.

so with this guy that i met recently, somehow, i think he can potentially be someone that i will go out with. i m kinda friendly. i can be chatty and chat people up, to just talk, you know, senseless rumblings. so its the same attitude with this person. however, it is disheartening that he doesnt think likewise. likewise as in you know, just talk. so when im left alone with him, the conversation doesnt go beyond 5 sentences. i can ask him many questions which he always replies. but it stops there. he doesnt ask me the same questions or other questions. when i make a certain comment to perhaps invoke some responses, he will look at me and doesnt say a thing. no interest to find out more.

so at the thurs dinner, he was invited, by virtue that m&m were invited. it was disheartening to see once again, that it was kinda awkward between us. however, he took the initiative to strike up a conversation with the hostess. the truth was that i was so down to see that. so i thus concluded that he simply has no interest in getting to know me further, even as a friend.

i was so so down on friday because of that. partly due to the fact that oh well, there goes my "love" interest. and also the fact that i seemed to be a friend-introduction agency. i dont have many friends; i always have to make the effort to make friends. but people just take my friends to be their friends so easily. oh well. i dint go to work but logged on from home. he emailed a thank you note on the fabulous dinner and asked me to extend his gratitude to my friend, aka the hostess. btw, i was the co-hostess. i replied, yes i will do that and btw, this is my friend's email.

i thought i was being so kind and big-hearted, how i have always been. if he is interested in my friend, i thought i saved him the trouble of having to ask for her contact. i thought i felt a painful sensation cutting through my chest when i did that.

today is tues. i think i have moved on. a little pat for myself. it is still painful sometimes. oh man, love hurts. this is why i dont want to get to know anyone that can put me through such pain. so for those times that someone liked me, and i had no interest at all, is this how they felt too? the kind of burning sensation through the chest area? or its just me? that im dumb and cant control my feelings.

Nicaragua orphanage 2006

where heaven is

how does love work

how does it work? how does falling in love work? you meet someone and you think, oh he s quite cute, the kind that you may like. you talk to him and try to get to know him better. alas it stops here. cos he s not quite ready to get into a relationship right now. its disheartening.

greatest desire

my greatest desire is to be able to work with under-priviledged children.

this is a goal down the road. i cant serve both god and money but i know i need money to be able to work things out. god will provide, for sure, that i know. but i dont think im ready to throw away everything right now. i still enjoy the adrenaline that comes from my job. i hope that day will come someday.

be still, my soul

jay in the woods

the message that i got away from this retreat is still the same as the last- "be still". to give myself some credit, i think ive come a little way since the last one. i was desperate then. i dint know what was going on. loneliness and emptiness. silence was deafening. now, ive gotten used to the silence. it s no longer deafening. not sure if my heart has been stirred, not sure if i am hearing god speak to me. the fear is still there. something to be worked upon.

the blessing was the unexpected snow. went out w marion in my sweater on friday night. we stuck out our tongue to feel the snow that was falling down lightly. with my tongue out and eyes towards the dark sky, the falling snow looked like millions of shooting stars. it was a very beautiful and heart-warming sight.

my pumpkin!

i like it the traditional way

this is my art. we did it on sun 10/28. dint know that they are such tuff squash. i took nearly 3 hrs to carve it. was worth the effort of course. we were like little kids. we off the lights in the house and lit the tealights that were in the pumpkins. then we simply sat in silence, in darkness, except for the illumination coming from the pumpkins.

mood booster

chocolates from jia

my entries are totally out-dated. as of now, only the red laura secord is untouched.

jia was very sweet. she got her friend to bring these chocolates from london to ny and mailed them to me. nytimes had an article on how different chocolates taste from different parts of the world. cant remember if the author was a brit or what, but i definitely remembered the article leaning towards the UK's stuff, rather than US' hershey's which is totally fine by me cos i dont really like hershey's.

anyway, i was in toronto and i just got my cousin to tell me what represents canadian chocolates. she said laura secord. im still working on the black one which is intense dark chocolate. hmm, a bit too sweet for my liking.

lily came back for vacation too and she brought me my favorite!! marzipan from germany! hee.. im saving those for later, since they cant be bought here at all.