reflection i

marmi is here. i wish that im feeling happier than the state i am in right now. is it because the anticipation of her coming has worned off? is it because i have to study for the freaking paper that i have to numb myself so that i can concentrate better? is it because im so screwed that i only feel high when im anticipating stuff and get disinterested when it has crystalized? is it because of the wet and chilly weather that i do not feel high?

im questioning my emotional being. i realize that i really have no control over my body and my hormones perhaps. it is a constant struggle to do what my brain tells me. my heart fighting and tugging with the brain; this leaves me restless and emotional and screaming to breathe. it is such a dumb thing to say "follow your heart". whoever invented this phrase is so bs-ing.

breathe air

stuck in traffic from 5pm till 630pm. the car moved from 42nd to 36th street for that period. val's friend called and said he has cleared the immigration. i panicked. that implied that marmi had cleared the gates too. val got off the car just before i got into the tunnel. the traffic cleared up after i entered the tunnel. i fumbled trying to map read and drive at the same time. god blessed me. i reached the arrival hall. if only she knew how to come out to the side, then i did not have to to park the car. i parked the car and ran into the hall. finally i caught her amidst the crowd. our eyes met and the helplessness in her eyes turned to joy and hope at that moment. we embraced.