too playful

this friend worries me. he s getting married soon but why do i get the feeling that he s not ready and probably he s doing it cos its the only thing to do, that they have come to a point that it s time to get married.

so i stepped in for the previous incident with a mutual friend. i wldnt have done what i did. if not for the fact that he is getting married.

so to escape the group dinner i wrote about on 5/29, i went out with this friend. it was nice that i got to check out hoboken in nj. and it was even nicer that the rented car was a 2-door. not sure how it started but after we were done with dinner, he said to go to my place, very naturally, to finish the merlot ive got. but we winded up at his place in the end cos i have no tv and no ac. on the drive back, he started talking about giving him a massage?? well, i dint take him seriously. so at his place, the tv was on. he blasted the ac in the living room and moved the sofa next to the ac and brought out his pillows and made himself comfortable on the sofa. not sure how i agreed to give him his massage. i wasnt doing a good job. well, of course i dint want to do a good job. i felt weird and just wanted to do a sucky one so that he wld get me to stop. but he decided to show me how. hmm.. and not sure why he did that, but he poked me at my sides?? and i jumped. well, im tickish. and gee, he got even more excited cos he found my achilles' heel. so he started to want to grab me and tickle me?? had i not jumped off the sofa, he wld have caught me and i can imagine wrestling with him on the sofa?? it was just too much for me. i didnt want to act as if it was a big deal cos i dint want to think in that way so i had to keep laughing and at the same time, not make the situation uncomfortable?? when the whole time, i was freaking out and what the f is he trying to do?? it cant be the wine. it cant be he s attracted to me. then wtf was he trying to do??

brrrrr madness. he was acting weirdly!! he said i cld stay over but said that i can take his bed and he s staying on the sofa. it was past 1. i was watching the friendly match btw brazil and england. i mumbled, gave lame excuses- no toothbrush, no change of clothes. he said he can supply all. when the match ended, i said i want to go home. so he was luaing on the sofa. was behaving like a kid- 10 min more.. give him a massage and he ll wake up when its done?? when i finally managed to haul him out of the door, he tried to grab me again?? and i literally fell over so he had to grab me?? it was getting very awkward for me. the walk to the car was awkward. he s a perfect gentleman but i was so sensitive that when he dint walk to the driver's seat and instead open the car's door for me, i felt totally off. brrrrr

he dint stop to want to tickle me. so each time he rested his right elbow on the middle support, i wld grab his hand cos i was seriously freaking out- i was paranoid that he was going to grab me. so in the end, i ended grabing his hands and his touch which i was trying to avoid. he came up to check out my place. his actions were sober. not that he was ever drunk but i dint know what got into him. he left after 15 min.

i refused to go in that direction. well he will never know this but if not for the fact that he s getting married, if he s just attached and not getting married, i think i ll probably play along too, just for the fun. but i cldnt bear to do it, knowing that he s getting married!! and i know his wife-to-be.

on the ride home, i was blabbering some nonsense just to make things not awkward so i said, oh im not that tickish, just that im not used to you. cos if im really that tickish, its impossible right? cos then how wld other guys get to touch me. when i said that, there was a painful realization- it has been a while since i have been intimate with someone.

damn tried to escape the awkward dinner and ended up with this weird night.

ok i cant stop blabbering now. but lily is back in town for this week so we went karaoke just now (sat night) and done. so took the train home with zw. and guess what?? when we got out of our car, my crush and his gf got out from the same train too!! just that they were in the next car!! i felt her uncomfortableness when she saw me but i wld like to think that is because im foreign to her. i said hi, and flashed a mega-watts smile. morale of story- things that you painfully want to avoid have a way to get back to you.

ok sleeping.