im feeling happy

its always a happy feeling around him. strangely he can make me happy and i feel light.. nice

drifting cloud

i had a fabulous dinner at otto. too bad i dint bring my camera if not, i wld have gone away with many shots of the degustation menu that we had. good stuff. and the red letter boxes at the red dot traffic building... awww that would have made a picture perfect shot.

head to bar stop for drinks with him. so we talked from 9 to almost 3ish after we parted. he probably did most of the talking. cool that we walked from devonshire road to holland village... i dont know what to think. ya i would have to give up my heels if anything goes. its interesting that he s attractive when all the ticks are in the wrong column. is it refreshing that he s a christian boy? is it refreshing that he is all that ive never known?

i need to break away from him for a while. told him not to msg me on monday, i dont know if he ll remember as he said he ll try. luckily the next run will only be on wed or thur so that s give me a few more days to think what the hell is wrong with me.

so many atimes my mind will drift to him when im alone...

thurs night
just had my shower and chilling out on my with loud music. its friday tmr, lots to do but well its friday. i ll give myself a break and not be stressed.
grrrrrrr ahhhhhhh its painful =( why is it not easy at all. how to subtract emotions and just be interested in the activity. what does good company mean? im very miserable. i hate myself for being able to conceal things so well. why did i ask if he wants to do it. overdosage of him now and i have to pull myself out of the hole i have dug. literal tighening of the chest. wish it was easier.
sometimes i get lost in the crappiness and laugher and i have to pull myself back because it is not real. well if its real or not, i dont exactly know. i can only think that its not real becos i have to deal with it alone. why cant it be easier. this is the burning question. what did i not do right. why is it so difficult for me.

..........

i think it will get better for me the more often we meet up. work is not fun. trying to breathe it all in and not sigh. but sigh, not too happy right. how will it end. how is it going to last. what is there to look forward to. all the stuff outside of work, they are not making me happy. they are prolonging my existence. sounding very depressed. what is wrong? think i rather feel angry and then happy. now im just emotional-less

what s wrong

so why am i missing the chats? why does the heart feel funny? im fine with normal friends right? so screwed up!!! why cant i be stronger?

homecooked food

i havent had meals at home for a week so im missing homecooked food very very badly. so badly that im actually craving for it. marmi is not cooking today sigh. i think im desperate enough to cook something up perhaps. if im not too tired...

sigh its strange to not be talking to him after talking to him constantly. so i have to curb that feeling and be strong. ahhhhhhhhhh get real grace.

cold turkey

i just need to get over the next few days without msning and i should be fine. cold turkey for now but i think it will help me in the long run.

disappointment

i have been wanting to race out of singapore. actually listed the many possible ones- in phuket, bj, melb. i bugged lb once to let me know if she s going to go this year. she said she ll let me know. i went to cam and came back and had to decide on some dates and text her again. no reply. i took my chance and asked lk and he agreed. good for me. was scrolling through the list of participants today and saw lb's name. i was very disappointed and somewhat betrayed. i think the disappointment was so high that i wanted to cry and would have if im in the low cycle now. well not that it was not expected of her to be so haphazard. i have always felt the friendship to be quite awkward. she s always interested to find out more about what im doing and i ll ask her. i dont think she holds back on what she wants to let me know. maybe she does not sure. i dont know what to say. it is not as if i dint expect her to pull such a stunt but i guess i was still caught off-guard. very disappointment. well no childish act on my part. if we meet there, i ll still say hi. if perhaps leading up to the race, she ll ask me to go run together and i wont say no unless i cant make it. i just know no more faith in this friendship going forward.

nostalgia

i miss hogar belen. not sure what stirred up my heart but i am yearning to see those children again. they taught me humility. life can be that simple yet fragile. how are they doing? i hope that are all well. they have all found favors with God..

....

angkor wat and children playing with water

im back from my cambodia trip. given my low level of excitement leading up to the trip, i think i reaped quite a fair bit from it.
the initial few days werent that fantastic. somehow getting into the routine of things was doable but i dint get excited. all the paintings were in the morning. painting was therapeautic for me- strokes after strokes, they calmed me, even though my mind was usually a blank sheet of paper. but given that i was in my own space, i enjoyed that. come afternoon, i had to prepare for lessons. well, i know i dont truly enjoy teaching. though i think i did a fair job, it is not my cup of tea. rather, the time spent chilling at the table with the breeze blowing, that was good for my soul. there is no noise, apart from conversations. you only get that when you are in a village, away from all the buzz. i miss that now. even while typing away now, i have itunes on..
meal times were always good. i dint mind the food at all. pretty much the kind of food that i will eat. mostly veggies with minimum meat. and of course my doggie...
perhaps the debriefs at night were the best. doing them in the dark, that was first for me. in exchange for bites, we got the sky blanketed with stars. that was really a gift. the only other time i saw the sky full of stars were in PA during the falling water trip. i dint expect stars on this trip so it was definitely a delightful bonus.

towards the end, i grew accustomed to the days. i appreciate the simplicity life can bring and im glad i can still enjoy such things. perhaps that is what im searching for without myself knowing. i enjoyed having him around. somehow he is the center of attention. i have never liked fighting for such things. i chose to walk away. i think that was what i did during the last dinner. i just walked out saying i wanted to check out the streets. i needed a breather actually. well he came out looking for xy perhaps. im not sure. but the breather did me good.
im not thinking logically now. the ticks do not add up. even if they do, they are on the wrong column of my list. or am i actually alright to settle for something less? probably i will calm down after a few more days and life will be back to a monotonous one, with month-end closings and back-and-forth exchanges with dumb people on the other side of the globe.