hurt

im pretty much numb these days. i know that i have kinda built a wall around myself from the people around me. i dont put much emphasis on human relationships anymore. well, i am still a very genuine and sincere person. i dont lie or cheat or stab others to get ahead. with so-called friends, i care for them. i think i will probably be there for them when they call to whine, to talk about themselves, to have someone to hang out with.

so with this guy that i met recently, somehow, i think he can potentially be someone that i will go out with. i m kinda friendly. i can be chatty and chat people up, to just talk, you know, senseless rumblings. so its the same attitude with this person. however, it is disheartening that he doesnt think likewise. likewise as in you know, just talk. so when im left alone with him, the conversation doesnt go beyond 5 sentences. i can ask him many questions which he always replies. but it stops there. he doesnt ask me the same questions or other questions. when i make a certain comment to perhaps invoke some responses, he will look at me and doesnt say a thing. no interest to find out more.

so at the thurs dinner, he was invited, by virtue that m&m were invited. it was disheartening to see once again, that it was kinda awkward between us. however, he took the initiative to strike up a conversation with the hostess. the truth was that i was so down to see that. so i thus concluded that he simply has no interest in getting to know me further, even as a friend.

i was so so down on friday because of that. partly due to the fact that oh well, there goes my "love" interest. and also the fact that i seemed to be a friend-introduction agency. i dont have many friends; i always have to make the effort to make friends. but people just take my friends to be their friends so easily. oh well. i dint go to work but logged on from home. he emailed a thank you note on the fabulous dinner and asked me to extend his gratitude to my friend, aka the hostess. btw, i was the co-hostess. i replied, yes i will do that and btw, this is my friend's email.

i thought i was being so kind and big-hearted, how i have always been. if he is interested in my friend, i thought i saved him the trouble of having to ask for her contact. i thought i felt a painful sensation cutting through my chest when i did that.

today is tues. i think i have moved on. a little pat for myself. it is still painful sometimes. oh man, love hurts. this is why i dont want to get to know anyone that can put me through such pain. so for those times that someone liked me, and i had no interest at all, is this how they felt too? the kind of burning sensation through the chest area? or its just me? that im dumb and cant control my feelings.