marmi and me

i threw tantrums at marmi over the phone just now. she mentioned something to someone that i felt she shouldnt have. something about my job changing plan. her rationale: it didnt matter if i got it or not, so it didnt matter that she told people about it.

i was upset. i raised my voice and basically rebuked her that she was in no position to conclude things for me, i.e. things that she views as un-impt do not mean that they are so for me. i need her to put herself in my situation, to understand and accept why i need to come to ny, why i like to travel, why i like to hang out with my friends, why i dont like to stay at home, why i like shopping, ..... btw, my number of shopping trips have halved, though this doesnt mean that money spent has halved; i choose to chill at home than hang out when i m not in the mood to hang, so i dont just go with the flow.

so its just upsetting that we always have these recurring issues. and i ll handle them so badly each time. i ll just keep quiet over the phone, and the next time i speak, i ll basically cut her off and say "i have to go" and slam the phone down. cos i cant bear to deal with it and the only solution each time is to: RUN away.

so my mood is all fucked up now. and ny is cloudy today so its sucky. and i m regretting big time, yet again. wished that i handled it better, but i know that the next time it happens again, i ll have no resolute and patience to handle it calmly. and i also think that i ll be punished one day for my action cos this is so not the way to treat people who loves me more than themselves.

im sorry, marmi.

dainbramage is playing "Everybody hurts"- R.E.M. How apt.