thurs night
just had my shower and chilling out on my with loud music. its friday tmr, lots to do but well its friday. i ll give myself a break and not be stressed.
grrrrrrr ahhhhhhh its painful =( why is it not easy at all. how to subtract emotions and just be interested in the activity. what does good company mean? im very miserable. i hate myself for being able to conceal things so well. why did i ask if he wants to do it. overdosage of him now and i have to pull myself out of the hole i have dug. literal tighening of the chest. wish it was easier.
sometimes i get lost in the crappiness and laugher and i have to pull myself back because it is not real. well if its real or not, i dont exactly know. i can only think that its not real becos i have to deal with it alone. why cant it be easier. this is the burning question. what did i not do right. why is it so difficult for me.