the cobbler rocks

im feeling pretty low now (but no one knows). however, when i look around, i see so much more sadness in this world. i ll then try to pick myself up and feel that im fortunate to be not in their situation. this is not the best way but it helps sometimes.

was at chinatown to mend my heels. saw this old man and i asked how much. he probably dint understand much mandarin but held out 4 of his fingers. deal. he was very meticulous. my shoes are some cheap charles and keith pair but the treatment given was as it s a pair of manolo blahniks. after finding the right shape and size heel to fit, he glued the bottom, fixed the thing in and hammered it gingerly. i thought that was it. next he stood up, opened his side cabinet and pulled something, which turned out to be a generator. it was to power his machine which was used to smoothen the heels. when done, he sat down and cut off some stray black stuff and he then gave the shoes a final brush. he placed them on the ground and looked up at me, beaming brightly and signaled me to try them on.

this guy totally blew my mind away!! shame on me that i passed him a $5 and took $1 change from him. i should have left him the change. i will go back to him again, totally.

the best part was actually when he placed the shoes down and looked up at me. imagine him sitting on his stool and me standing around. so he has to lift his head up to make eye contact. that moment he looked up.. the beam on his face.. tanned (and dry) face.. white stray hair.. huge black plastic glasses.. he lit up my day for a minute. thank you mr cobbler. you probably dint know that you lifted my spirit for a moment.

memorial 07

we were taking a break from our biking and found this cliff that overlooks the LeHigh gorge. sunday was our turn to do the white water-rafting. had a hell of a time.

pai2 pai2 zhou4

this was taken at NY Aquarium on 5/21.

checked out coney island too, where the aquarium is located. the place is definitely a passe but oh well, its only right to do the touristy stuff- ate the world famous nathan's hotdog.

....

so his gf is coming this thurs and he asked if want to do group dinner on fri. i asked where. he said chinatown, since its a big group. silly me started to take charge again. why ct?? so i researched a few places for him. im feeling so lousy now. wish that im not doing this to myself- telling him to go here or there cos the place is cute, nice brunch and blah, giving him all sorts of suggestions where he can bring her. why am i doing this??

anyways, i dint say i was going to go or not. he probably assumed that im going since i shot him so many places. i think, well i think i ll do it.. i probably wont turn up on fri. i dont want to pretend im enjoying the dinner while im actually there just because im breathing and existing.

ya im breathing and existing. kill me..

human touch needed

yesterday was memorial day. went to pocono for biking and whitewater rafting over the weekend and got back on sunday. i woke up on monday not knowing my itinerary for the day- to laze ard, to chill outside or to cut my hair. friends decided for me cos they asked me out.

was with BY at the street fair on broadway. i then decided to go for my haircut so we parted ways. i was on the 7 train by myself to flushing. had my shades on cos i dint want to make eye contact with anyone. loneliness overcome me. suddenly, i missed the human touch that i needed rather desperately. not sure how or why but i actually teared and had to stop myself from thinking so that i wont make a mess out of myself.

i am filling up my weekends with activities after activities but it is not helping and i know that. but what else can i do? does anyone notice anything amiss with me?

aww

as far as i can remember, this year is the first time that i sent something home for mothers' day. or for any other occasion. im quite emotionally constipated when it comes to my family. or its just that i dont think there is much need to show them that they are the most impt pple to me on this earth, be it through words or actions. they should know.

so i have asked bobi to fedex a bear back this year. marmi called minutes ago. she was so excited over the phone that i was wondering what the matter was. OH so it was the package that she received. well, seriously, i think it made her day. hmm dint know that such a simple act will make her so happy. maybe i ll try to do more in future.

shhhhhhh

im screaming silently- an oxymoron

all the adrenaline rush from 4.27 till 5.6 died when the dog sitting days were over. now im so so so so so bored and feeling so empty. i dont feel like hanging out with anyone cos its a short-term solution. i feel so f**king down again when the hangout is over. someone help. the ironic thing is that no one can help. so tired.

platonic

Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not penetrate, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sexes.
~ from wikipedia

i dont think it exists. maybe just because i dont think i can do it so i dont think it exists.

it s cruel how things work in life. we never have much to say to each other previously. we just hang out in the group. then he got attached. ok, good for him. im still alone. not sure what happened, oh.. i remember. it was after we got back from sg. we were msning. think he was lost, dint know when is a good time to quit ny. i totally understood how he felt, cos im in the same situation. so he said he finally found someone he could confide in and understand what the deal was. the friendship took off from there. well, more so for him i guess.

another comment made by him- he was amazed how i could remain sane when im surrounded by couples. truly, everyone has someone, except me. though its is LDR for him, he still has someone. i smiled at him; i dint know what else to say but to smile, abeit bleeding inside. maybe im dying slowly. i dont know. i try my best and if this is the best that i can do, this is the end right?

i have resolve not to hang out with him alone, but somehow we are doing that rather frequently now. i know i wont say anything that will kill the "platonic love". rather, im guided by my conscience. so how does the story go on from here?

dawg sitting

haze

im finally home... after a week of dawg-sitting. i missed my apt and my bed so much. i think im showing symptoms of OCD. i was so miserable staying over at m&m's house. i dint move much when i slept on their bed. i held my breath while in their bathroom- disliked the damp and wet smell. i HAVE to shower before i get into bed but i dint do that last sunday. and when dawn broke, i walked haze hurriedly and left their house to shower in my gym. it was bad. dont quite understand why they are not keeping their house in a better state- they are not renting it; they own it.

had a business event on fri and though it ended after lunch, i dint go back to office but came home. guess what i did? laundry. and mopped the floor. guess what i did last sat noon? i left haze at their place and came home to wash the sofa that he pee-ed on. guess what i did before i left harry's place on sat's afternoon? laundry. im mad- seemed to have a HUGE need to keep my apt clean and neat and doing laundry seemed to liberate me. i dont like doing it but the smell of clean clothes and empty laundry basket make me feel good.

well, its finally over. the back-to-back dawg-sitting. worned out totally. very exhausted. however, the emptiness is back again. what is wrong with me?