inconsistency

do you remember being an inconsistent person, or having inconsistent people as friends? this seems rather foreign to me sometime back but now its a frequent occurence in my life, such that i should have gotten used to. if not, its only going to cause much misery.

instance i
lily has played the disappearing act. was a verbal/msn agreement to see each other in the gym around 5ish. glanced periodically at the stairsmaster but dint think i saw her. given the rain, thought she prolly changed her mind, which suited me perfectly cos my workout wasnt dependent on her.

got a call from ting and hung out with them for dinner. knew of plans for the next day over the meal and no one was sure if me and lily were receipients of the emails sent out. i decided to call her but no one picked it. felt strange but guessed its only coincidence.

instance ii
was supposed to do brunch before going to central park. i was the one who suggested sarabeth's, though i dint think i was gonna make it cos i wanted to check out OCM with andy and friends. church ended 10ish and i could have made it to the brunch but i guessed i acted up and dint feel like rushing over at that moment. and i dint think of calling anyone up to let them know that i wasnt turning up. i thought that my presense wasnt gonna make a difference since it was a group event. i had weekly chores to run: buy groceries, laundry, cleaning, cooking so that the fridge can be rid of perishables that were around since 2005!
Ting called and "so where are you guys?" "oh im at home, not joining. but will join you guys for superbowl"
she could be thinking that i was acting haphazardly, yet again.

I called lily twice but no one picked up. we had another appointment to do brunch. would think she really meant that at that point in time but could have changed her mind since then, im not sure since im still not able to get her. and not inclined to think more.

i would have gotten really vexed with people like that cos i dont say things that i dont intend to fulfill. but somehow such expectation of friends is no longer permitted. i was asked "why do i have the need to be with different people?" now i think i prolly have the answer to that. cos i dont want to put all my eggs in one basket.

at the end of the day, only your family and yourself wont fail you. as much as i wish to have faith in all my friends, many instances have shown me otherwise. this doesnt imply that i should live in solitude. i will continue to love them as my friends but i know that they have only so much to offer me and the most important thing that i should know is that i should not impose any expectation on them. the grey fuzzy patch between lovers and friends: obligation. friends have no obligation to one another; lovers do.

ok enough of chilling out on my couch. its maid in manhattan once again. how much longer do i want a lifestyle like this?