DRAMA

why did i go to him and give a full confession with no facts withheld whatsoever
full disclosure
honesty is my best policy. maybe it shld be "was" after this shit
it came back to bite me
it hurt so much when he said "dont say no to the other offer yet"
what kind of shit is that??
ooh, so you are from spore right, what are your plans. do you intend to return home soon.
we wld prefer someone who can be here for the LT

words once spoken cant be taken back- literal translation from a chinese phrase
so even if he said its his bad, his fault, that he dint mean for things to sound the way that i interpreted, it dint matter anymore
both said they wont hold this against me (its not my fault that i m so honest!!!)
things will start fresh
though i think im staying, im skeptical

to quote the stupif recruiter, "its a bad (or wrong) decision". oh man, he was totally unprofessional. telling me that my decision was wrong/bad and i led the other side on for 2 whole weeks. of course i screamed back at him, saying what are you talking about. i only got to know this monday. im sorry he lost his commission, which was quite a deal cos the new offer was really not too bad. but has it ever occured to him that i dont freaking care a thing he says since he s no one to me.

the other side- the offer still stands. take this holiday to think it over and let us know again on fri. oh man.

this is the first time that i really think that i screwed myself all over. dug my own hole. kicked my own ass. how could i have done what i did. why did i do what i did.

un-do or not

i got my promotion today, which came as a pleasant surprise. i was hoping for one cos i thought i performed well enough. however, i had the idea that i had to pay my dues, especially in corporations like my company. so i dint really push for it, though perhaps in my conversations with my boss, i kinda dropped hints that im ready for more and deserve more.

so i got my wishes.

but im torn now because of what i agreed to last monday. i accepted a job offer. so im screwed now. i dont know what to do, if i want to un-do what i did or just move forward.

tigger

irresistible act

i really really love tigger. the man/woman in the costume must have a grrrrreat time hugging me. poor thing though. the people in costumes have to take toilet breaks (obviously) and get a breather from the costumes and us, the people who are willing to stand in line for an hour just to get a min with them.

magical trip

in line for 45mins to get this shot!

hurt

im pretty much numb these days. i know that i have kinda built a wall around myself from the people around me. i dont put much emphasis on human relationships anymore. well, i am still a very genuine and sincere person. i dont lie or cheat or stab others to get ahead. with so-called friends, i care for them. i think i will probably be there for them when they call to whine, to talk about themselves, to have someone to hang out with.

so with this guy that i met recently, somehow, i think he can potentially be someone that i will go out with. i m kinda friendly. i can be chatty and chat people up, to just talk, you know, senseless rumblings. so its the same attitude with this person. however, it is disheartening that he doesnt think likewise. likewise as in you know, just talk. so when im left alone with him, the conversation doesnt go beyond 5 sentences. i can ask him many questions which he always replies. but it stops there. he doesnt ask me the same questions or other questions. when i make a certain comment to perhaps invoke some responses, he will look at me and doesnt say a thing. no interest to find out more.

so at the thurs dinner, he was invited, by virtue that m&m were invited. it was disheartening to see once again, that it was kinda awkward between us. however, he took the initiative to strike up a conversation with the hostess. the truth was that i was so down to see that. so i thus concluded that he simply has no interest in getting to know me further, even as a friend.

i was so so down on friday because of that. partly due to the fact that oh well, there goes my "love" interest. and also the fact that i seemed to be a friend-introduction agency. i dont have many friends; i always have to make the effort to make friends. but people just take my friends to be their friends so easily. oh well. i dint go to work but logged on from home. he emailed a thank you note on the fabulous dinner and asked me to extend his gratitude to my friend, aka the hostess. btw, i was the co-hostess. i replied, yes i will do that and btw, this is my friend's email.

i thought i was being so kind and big-hearted, how i have always been. if he is interested in my friend, i thought i saved him the trouble of having to ask for her contact. i thought i felt a painful sensation cutting through my chest when i did that.

today is tues. i think i have moved on. a little pat for myself. it is still painful sometimes. oh man, love hurts. this is why i dont want to get to know anyone that can put me through such pain. so for those times that someone liked me, and i had no interest at all, is this how they felt too? the kind of burning sensation through the chest area? or its just me? that im dumb and cant control my feelings.

Nicaragua orphanage 2006

where heaven is

how does love work

how does it work? how does falling in love work? you meet someone and you think, oh he s quite cute, the kind that you may like. you talk to him and try to get to know him better. alas it stops here. cos he s not quite ready to get into a relationship right now. its disheartening.

greatest desire

my greatest desire is to be able to work with under-priviledged children.

this is a goal down the road. i cant serve both god and money but i know i need money to be able to work things out. god will provide, for sure, that i know. but i dont think im ready to throw away everything right now. i still enjoy the adrenaline that comes from my job. i hope that day will come someday.

be still, my soul

jay in the woods

the message that i got away from this retreat is still the same as the last- "be still". to give myself some credit, i think ive come a little way since the last one. i was desperate then. i dint know what was going on. loneliness and emptiness. silence was deafening. now, ive gotten used to the silence. it s no longer deafening. not sure if my heart has been stirred, not sure if i am hearing god speak to me. the fear is still there. something to be worked upon.

the blessing was the unexpected snow. went out w marion in my sweater on friday night. we stuck out our tongue to feel the snow that was falling down lightly. with my tongue out and eyes towards the dark sky, the falling snow looked like millions of shooting stars. it was a very beautiful and heart-warming sight.

my pumpkin!

i like it the traditional way

this is my art. we did it on sun 10/28. dint know that they are such tuff squash. i took nearly 3 hrs to carve it. was worth the effort of course. we were like little kids. we off the lights in the house and lit the tealights that were in the pumpkins. then we simply sat in silence, in darkness, except for the illumination coming from the pumpkins.

mood booster

chocolates from jia

my entries are totally out-dated. as of now, only the red laura secord is untouched.

jia was very sweet. she got her friend to bring these chocolates from london to ny and mailed them to me. nytimes had an article on how different chocolates taste from different parts of the world. cant remember if the author was a brit or what, but i definitely remembered the article leaning towards the UK's stuff, rather than US' hershey's which is totally fine by me cos i dont really like hershey's.

anyway, i was in toronto and i just got my cousin to tell me what represents canadian chocolates. she said laura secord. im still working on the black one which is intense dark chocolate. hmm, a bit too sweet for my liking.

lily came back for vacation too and she brought me my favorite!! marzipan from germany! hee.. im saving those for later, since they cant be bought here at all.

down

very down since last friday. so i dint go to work. instead, i did laundry and cut my hair. dint feel very liberated but i needed to feel busy. i felt guilty and went in on sat to make up for some hours. right now, i have the impulse for retail theraphy. its a blessing that im too lazy/busy to go shopping after work. cos i think im in an uncontrollable mood.

home-made dounuts

special kind of home-made dounuts- available only during this time of the year

this shot alone is worth more than thousand words. i had 1.5 of these last sat. i was in heaven.

bars hopping

it was a bar hopping weekend.

on sat night, after dinner at fig & olive, we set off on conquering many bars that night. dinner was fine, slightly above expectations actually. it was in the cobblestone meatpacking district and this is a must checkout area for someone visiting.

we walked across to hotel gansevoort which has a rooftop bar. YEEEEEKS- so much for the hype!!! we walked one round and unanimously agreed to leave without looking back. the crowd was ugly and old.

walked to 510 Hudson St - Employees Only. this place is a gem. you wouldnt have known there is a bar from outside. they have a dinner area at the back too.

we then cabbed to Pegu Club at 77 W Houston St. Stupid me was saving my calories for later so I dint try the cocktails. I sipped Adrian's and it was very very good. the place is drop dead gorgeous and a "mecca for serious cocktail connoisseurs". will be back!!

we thought that we wanted to dance so headed to the Park. the crowd was very disappointing again. not sure why there were many youngsters and erm, indians. maybe someone was throwing a party. no idea why. i was kinda upset cos i used to like this place alot- especially the Penthouse, where it is open-aired. this place is no longer "legendary". however, this was the only place that we had to stand in line on a sat night. there were 3 jap gals in front of us and it was so interesting to watch one peering at adrian constantly. she had to turn around and look up cos adrian is tall (and cute). was way too obviously that she was checking him out but that guy dint bat an eyelid.

last stop was at the the Hudson bar which is in the Hudson Hotel. this part is the prelude to my entry on monday's date.

special mention that lily and marcel were around the last week and we hung out almost every night. im dead tired now but it was so nice to catch up.

flop

i got picked up at the Hudson last sat. chris and i were done with the dancing and we were just chilling out on the huge sofa outside the dance floor. she was telling me about her bf, that she thinks he s the one. as calm as she sounded, i think she was really happy and i was very happy for her too. so in the meanwhile, apparently someone was checking me out. he walked over and in a flash, he was sitting next to me and introduced himself to me and to chris (very politely so as not to sound abrupt- so he said). i dont know how he did it but he managed to get me to give him my number within 5 minutes. i have never done this before. i think the only reason was because i thought he was quite cute.

so we went out today. it was nice. he actually suggested going to 230 fifth, the place that i have been dying to check out. the rooftop was really cool- the night was so breezy and just imagine being surrounded by palm trees and skyscrappers, the empire state building which was right in front of your table. how cool eh.

so much about the atmosphere. i should be talking about my date right. my memory that night was serving me right. i remembered him being nicely built and i think that was why i gave him my number. indeed he is. nice broad shoulders, nice thick arms that fit really nicely ard my neck. he dressed to my liking too, with pointy shoes!

but it just dint work out. he asked if i ll go out with him again, i balked and stared at him. i guessed that was a good enough answer right?

he s prob not the one but i think its a confirmation of the state im in. im so scared to commit that i dont even want to date. i also know that going on a date is more than wine and dine- there s so much more laid out on the table and i dont want to go to the other side. i wished he dint try to kiss me so many times. i pushed him away and he made light of the situation by saying he was probably a bad kisser. how pathetic was that. i dint mean to be rude or mean or bad.

you who talk in circles- get out of here!

i really hate people who talk in circles. more often than not, the reason why they did that was to excuse themselves for things that were not done. so this IT guy im dealing with, he has the habit of doing this and it really really gets on my nerves. today was the second incident. i was certainly not too kind to him in my language. he was going on about what should be done and why and blah and shit. i simply cut him off and said- well, the bottomline is that it is not done right?? i dint try to be too politically correct and im pretty sure that my body language showed that im displeased. this was confirmed because he came by my desk subsequently and tried to resolve the issue.

the first time was a few weeks back and i used really brutal language too. i told him very directly what should not be done to my new machine, because he was trying things out. he dint know what to do. i felt like a complete bitch and was overcome by guilt that i tried to soften my tone subsequently.

but i dint exactly want to control myself today because i really hate people who excuse themselves like this. i wld rather he told me in my face that i shld seek help from the helpdesk and not make excuses for himself.

st vincent de paul

there was a church service to kick off st vincent de paul society in my church just now. the deacon gave a very good homily.

when you feed the hungry, is there a hunger in you that needs to be satisfied? a hunger for love?
when you dressed the naked, is there a nakedness in you that needs to be covered? is it greed? is it ___?

he had two other sentences but i forgot-damnit.

the one on hunger strikes a note in me. i have never really looked into myself when i volunteer. it is just something that i really enjoy. this homily gives another perspective into this. maybe volunteering is a reflecction of my life. im filling up things that are missing in my life. this is a good reflection.

have you noticed?

part of the full arch

i looked out of the window seat when the plane was still taxi-ing. we were 8th in line. i looked back and saw many planes in line. it was really a sight. i wished i had a shot of that. its cute to see the planes lining up to take off.

i had the window seat when flying to toronto. the plane finally went above the clouds. i looked out and up and wondered- how does the end of the sky look like?

i looked out of the window seat during the flight and wondered- how come i have never seen any other planes flying nearby? how big is the sky?

i was at niagara falls and i saw many rainbows. there was 1 and then there were 2, side by side. the best part was that i saw the full arch. i have never seen a full rainbow- it makes a semi-circle.

i saw the moon from the plane's window on my flight back to nyc. i havent noticed that before. the moon was right in front of me. it was very cool. tues was 9/25- mooncake festival. it was a full moon.

my current love

my current love

so i popped by canada just like that. saw the cheap ticket on tues, booked it on wed, called my cousin on thurs and flew on sat. got to celebrate spontaneity right?

matthew was the star. i had so much JOY just by staring at him and talking to him. he s only 6 weeks old but believe it or not, he was yakking away with me. we were giggling away so much!!! oh man, i miss him so much now.

my baked ziti

my baked ziti

was working out on fri and rachel ray was cooking baked ziti in her show. that stuck with me and i attempted it just now.

so gooood! and it was still good without one of the ingredients- butter.

my fridge never had butter or whole milk before. i couldnt bring myself to buy the butter. i/4 tbsp gives you 110 calories, with 12% being fat. and a food article that i read recently informed me that "though most (celebrity) chefs fail to admit, a tbsp of butter into their dishes always does the trick". my heart skipped a beat.

into the wild

into the wild

a very thought provoking movie- sean penn's adaption of jon krakauer's bestseller of a true story of christopher mccandless, aka alex supertramp. his search for true happiness and freedom.

he who did not seek so much of human connection as compared to what nature can provide him with, the movie ended with him jotting- "happiness only real when shared". how true indeed.

i dont belong here anymore

i dont seem to get meaningful conversations any more.

over lunch with 2 coworkers who are married, we talked about weekend plans. single me is supposed to shed light on their pretty mundane lives. i dint have much to offer- its a city life afterall, even if its new york. they started talking about their husbands, other peoples' lives, how most of their friends are divorced. they went on to say its not something they dont see happening to themselves down the road. one is married close to 20 years, the other just over 2 years. not sure which part of me got provoked, i simply exclaimed that is not the way. it probably sounded damn idealistic cos both said i dont understand and wont know until im in the situation. i continued to defend my stand and interupted them. to me, they dont know what they are talking about. because they do not have god in their lives. it was as simple as that to me.

over the trip in chicago, not sure how the conversation with morgan and friends led from their health insurance to the pills. not viagra but contraceptive pills, since all were girls apart from one. one after one started chipping in about where or how you can get them. i tuned off. i remembered reading in the papers about the % of students affected by the change. the statistics were stunning. i remembered feeling disgusted, by the %, as well as horrified. am i in denial? am i alone in my own world? is this the lesser of the 2 evils, the other being abortion. anyway, i dint voice my opinion- these people were strangers afterall.

but this is the lives of everyone. its very disillusional. i feel out of this world, as if i dont belong here anymore.

this is grace

With an acute attention to detail, the Virgo is the sign in the zodiac most dedicated to serving. Their deep sense of the humane leads them to caregiving like no other, while their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is missed. The Virgo is often gentle and delicate, preferring to step back and analyze before moving ahead.

Friends and Family
A Virgo is a helpful friend to have indeed. They are excellent at giving advice, and they really know how to problem solve. You'll find that a Virgo will remind you to take good care of yourself, as health is a focal point for them. And when the meal is done, they'll be the first to jump up and start the dishes. Loving and dedicated to family, the Virgo is also first on the scene when care is needed. When someone reaches old age or is ill, the Virgo will be there doing all that is needed. The Virgo is not known for showing their feelings. They prefer to show through deed than by word.

Career and Money
"I analyze" is the key phrase for the Virgo personality, while "practicality" is the keyword. Industrious, discriminating, and scientific by nature, the Virgo really knows how to get to the heart of the matter. They are exceptionally methodical and do well in jobs that require organization. If there's anything out of order, set a Virgo to the task!When focused on a task, the Virgo will push themselves to perfection, leaving no stone unturned. They are exacting and take great pride in a job done to the absolute best of their ability. When they feel their talent falls short, they'll turn to the books to learn whatever they need to improve. Careers suited to this sign include being a doctor, nurse, psychologist, teacher, writer, and critic.Virgos are excellent with their money. They generally keep a strict grasp on what they spend, and strive to put away as much money as they can. They plan well in advance for expenditures, and when it comes to shopping, they aren't apt to overspend. Every now and then the Virgo can be seen buying themselves something of beauty, though. They love the arts and enjoy decorating their homes with taste.

Love and Sex
It's important for the Virgo lover to feel needed by their mates. Outside of the bedroom is where the majority of foreplay is going to happen for this sign. Tactile, methodical and willing to take as long as is needed, they make excellent lovers. Even though the Virgo won't express many words of love, they will show their affections in the bedroom. Virgos prefer to have a few strong connections rather than many partners. Life partners are chosen based on how important and needed the Virgo feels they are in their lives. They are dedicated spouses that love to live on the wild side once and a while.

VIRGO TIDBITS
Virgo Birthdays- August 22 - September 22

Health- Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Virgo are the intestines, liver, pancreas, gall bladder, lower plexus, and the upper bowel.

Ruling Planet- The ruling planet for Virgo is Mercury. Representing intellectual urge and the avenue of expression, this planet rules reason, rationalization, words, awareness and communication. Its action is quick and it also deals with travel, speaking, writing, trade, and emotional capacity and technique.

Colors- The colors of choice for Virgo are green and dark brown.

Gemstone- Virgo's star stone is the sardonyx - the reddish brown variety.

Lucky Numbers- Virgo's lucky numbers are 2, 5, and 7.

Compatibility- Virgos are most compatible with Capricorn and Taurus.

Opposite Sign- The opposite sign for Virgo is Pisces.

The Perfect Gift- The best gifts for a Virgo are health-related items.

Likes- Animals, beauty, eating healthy, orderliness.

Dislikes- Sloppiness, squalor, being wrong, chaos.
House- Natural sign of the Sixth House. This house focuses on health, habits, unconscious mind, service given, work, pets.

Famous Virgos- Stephen King, Charlie Sheen, Mother Teresa, Sophia Loren, and Mickey Mouse

DO’S AND DON’TS: VIRGO
If I were to mention one Virgoan quality that can get in your way big time, friend Virgo, I would say that it’s your insecurities. Virgo is known for being a shy, reserved, and self-effacing sign, that tends to be more embarrassed than pleased whenever anyone pays them a compliment. Therefore, when it comes to dos and don’ts, you often are so caught up in agonizing over what’s what that you can get confused and flustered – and so much in the dark that you do or say the wrong thing anyway. You, more than natives of other signs, are thus likely to get a lot out of this article. Having an idea ahead of time should give you more confidence – at least in the types of situations given here!You have another advantage in that your eye for detail can enable you to see the pros and cons of every set of circumstances. Yet it is also possible to get too involved in the details. Try to stand back and see the entire picture. Only when you do this will you have a pretty good idea of how to handle each individual difficulty. The most important thing to remember, however, is to believe in yourself. Have confidence in your ability to handle any state of affairs, no matter how bizarre. You’re really pretty smart!

WHEN MEETING NEW PEOPLE:
DO: Look at their eyes. Don’t let your gaze scan up and down their bodies. You’re only sizing up their sense of style, but they might think you horribly rude. Wait until you know them better before scoping them out.
DON’T: Offer your honest opinion. Sometimes honesty is the best policy, but for you, it’s best to make the effort to be more diplomatic. It’s important to remember that even though people ask for the truth, sometimes they don’t really want it!

WHEN DATING:
DO: Try to open up a little. Shyness can be appealing to some degree, but your date could feel uncomfortable if the entire flow of the conversation depends on him or her.
DON’T: Criticize anything! Not the food, not the movie, not the weather, and certainly not your date. Even if your date opened the door, keep your response neutral, such as “It wasn’t so bad,” or “I like rain.” You want your date to think you’re having a good time – no matter what.

IN FASHION:
DO: Follow your heart! Whatever you feel you want to wear, buy it! Don’t worry about what your mother, your friends might think, or even your mate might think. If it makes you feel good, go for it!
DON’T: Get too caught up in the details. If you expect everything to be perfect, you could end up wearing nothing but unadorned gray or black. Be frivolous! Go for the polka dots!

WHEN STARTING A NEW WORKOUT PROGRAM:
DO: Try several different disciplines before deciding on one. You may want to create just the right one by taking from several disciplines.
DON’T: Expect to be able to perform every exercise perfectly from the very first day. It’s not going to happen. Be patient with yourself and make it OK to start slow and work up to the level of skill you hope to reach. Rome wasn’t built in a day, after all!

WHEN CLIMBING THE CAREER LADDER:
DO: Continue to be your conscientious, hardworking, practical self. Continue to be your kind-hearted self who’s willing to give a helping hand to a confused colleague.
DON’T: Be so critical of your mistakes that you undermine your own confidence. You are very good at what you do, so don’t set standards for yourself that you wouldn’t expect anyone else to fulfill.

WHEN DEALING WITH A NASTY NEIGHBOR:
DO: Point out all the flaws in his argument. It’ll leave him totally discombobulated. Believe me, whatever he’s upset about, his viewpoint is definitely defective!
DON’T: Get personal. Don’t tell him he’s an idiot or unreasonable – even if he is. Try to resolve the issue amicably. You still have to live near him, after all.

WHEN SHOPPING:
DO: Be very choosy about what you spend your money on. Buy only what you really want or need, and only pick the best. Otherwise you’d never use, display or wear it – and your hard-earned money is down the drain.
DON’T: Get too hung up in the household department. Do you really need every cooking and cleaning gadget in the store? Move on to the decorations. They’re more fun, anyway.

WHEN DOING HOUSEHOLD CHORES:
DO: Keep your cool. Avoid freaking out at every speck of dust on the windowsill, or every spot on the carpet. Hide the worst of the stains under throw rugs, designer pillows or knickknacks. No one will look under them. Honest!
DON’T: Get so obsessed you see dirt, dust, and stains where, to others, everything appears perfect. Go outside for a short walk, then come back in. You may see things differently then.

WHEN COOKING:
DO: Go through every cookbook you have to find new and different recipes for family or guests. It’s important to you that the people you care for enjoy their meal, and you’re just the person to give it to them.
DON’T: Feel you have to slavishly stick to the recipe in every detail. If you don’t like an ingredient, don’t eschew the recipe. Just switch the offending component for something that you find more appealing.

WHEN DRIVING ON THE FREEWAY:
DO: Drive carefully. And remember to watch out for the other guy. You’re probably an excellent driver – but not everyone is.
DON’T: Obsess over the cars around you. Stress can cause accidents as often as reckless driving.

WHEN IN LOVE:
DO:Be your kind, affectionate, and caring self. It’s also important that you be a good listener, because new love partners often have a lot to say. Keep a safe distance between you until you know for certain that this person has a lot of energy on you. It’s always better to read their signals than to jump the gun.
DON’T:Expect perfection from your partner. Keep your high standards by all means, but remember that even lovers are only human. If you can be aware of your beloved’s faults and still feel passionately about them, you know this person is the one. Good luck!

US Open 07

on 8/29

you can probably tell how far up i was from the picture but nevertheless, it was a nice bday pressie. well, in a way, though it was coincidence. there was an extra ticket.

important thing was in the morning, i surfed on to usopen.org and found out that i was going to watch federer play!

the bean 8.17-8.20

this is the cloud gate in chicago's millennium park. its seriously very cute and the reflections change depending on where you are standing. each time, i would try to find myself in its reflection among the hundreds of people.

chicago grew on me as the weekend came by. i spent fri among the buildings. there are so many skyscrappers and to me, it seems like the chicagoans took efforts to build up their downtown. the stroll along the lake michigan on sat was so soothing that i decided that chicago is live-able if i have an apartment by the lake, though it will never replace ny in my heart.

i hung out with morgan and friends. a bunch of phd-to-be students and i did wish that i was working for my post-grad too. probably not ever going to happen but its nice to dream about it.

my faith

faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.
heb 11:1

my faith is a childlike faith.

childlike- like or befitting a child, as in innocence, trustfulness, or candor.

grateful

i gave up my seat to a man whom i thought to be elderly, judging by his grey hair. however, he gave it to his wifey, whom i dint notice. she was nicely dolled up. they were probably going for a performance or a nice dinner. before she got off, she reached out to me (i was standing ard) and said- i want to thank you again young lady for giving up your seat. have a great night.

wooooah that was a really nice gesture because i dint expect that kind of gratitude.

i was reading "Experiencing Jesus with Mother Teresa" on the train ride, standing up, leaning my weight against my arm which was holding onto the overhead bar. i had to stop reading because i found myself tearing and i dint know how to make my tears go back into my eyes. i dint want people to stare at me.

kid me not (no pun intended)

last fri on the 4 train downtown, i was sitting next to a 4 yr old (black) kid. think his family was having an excursion to somewhere- there was a big bunch of them. he pointed to this asian girl that was on an advertisement for learning english and said "is that you?" well, this was his pick-up line. kid you not. we started chatting. yes chatting, he can sure hold a conversation well. let me remind you that he s no older than 4 y/o. blahblahblah.. we talked about colors...blahblah... he started asking me more questions- what s my name? the OMG question was "do i live by myself?" !!!???!!! there was a stranger (black) sitting to my left and she exclaimed "OMG". yeah, i was like "OMG" what is this 4 y/o kid thinking?? his apparent family members had bewildered looks but they all laughed, thinking that the boy was silly. i had to go when i arrived at my stop. he started pulling my top and said "dont go, dont go".

oh man. i can imagine that he picked up such languague from the guys that he lives with or from the tv perhaps? i worry for his future.

paralyzed

the lightnings woke me up at 6am this morning. i had wanted to come in to work early so that i can leave early but the rain seemed pretty heavy and not wanting to get drenched, i left the house after 7 when it stopped. waited for half hr for the train to come, only for it to stop at queensboro for the last stop. ok, so its not going into manhattan. 7 train was, so i took it to grand central wanting to change to 4,5 downtown. atlas, those trains were not running. so i took 7 again to times sq to transfer to the yellow trains down. took the q, got off at prince st becos q was making express stops after canal st. the next q train finally made local stop at city hall.

this was the eventful wed morning. i got in at 923am- >2hrs to get to work. only 3 people were in the office. the sun was shining brightly when i got out of the station. the ground was dry too, no sign of flooding to indicate the heavy downfall only hours ago.

this is the perfect timing to have an attack on this city. the whole subway system was paralyzed due to severe flooding in the stations and of course, on the tracks. you would still think that it was raining heavily outside, judging by the rain that was pouring in. BUT IT WAS NOT!

its so hard to say no

i dont think i want the job. not sure why but i think its just too early and too fast to decide on things. but i was quite a wretched soul over the weekend. argh! it dint help that he s such a charming man. sigh- the gold band on the 4th finger. i wonder how long ago that was for him.

the temp and the noise

recently i started hearing many noises- loud chewing, loud cracking, loud slurping. they were as hideous as the descriptions. the coworker next to me over the divider is someone who doesnt eat. if she does, she will be seen picking at her salad. so for a moment i thought she was binging. and by the rate (every other hour) and sound of things, i was getting worried for her.

the mystery was solved when i realized that it was coming from a temp who was sitting near to us. i dint say anything to anyone cos i knew i was not going to be civil about it. before long, j started jamming me about it. hell broke loose. apparently i was not the only one who couldnt stand the noise anymore.

j got someone else to email her not to eat at her desk. well, indirect comment but the noise has since stopped. i hoped that the email to her was pleasant and politically correct.

Saltwater-Julian Lennon

oh man, i sang this in sec 1. that was in 1993.

happiness- action and contemplation

i went on a retreat over the weekend. will write more about it later, probably. for now, its the reflection on sunday's reading.

sunday's reading was about mary and martha- luke 10:38-42. in short, mary sat at jesus' feet and listened to him speak, while martha busied herself with the serving. she was reprimanded "martha, martha, you are anxious and worried about many things. there is need of only one thing. mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her."

im like martha- constantly running around. my life is so activity-driven. at the end of the day, i am still feeling empty, lonely, unfulfilled.

"in order for people to find meaning in their lives, they should stop running and turn to God in solitude, silence and prayer."

"happiness consists in knowing what you want and then knowing you have it or are on the way to getting it. most people are unhappy cos they dont know what they want. we have to know ourselves in order to know what we want. and it is only when we see ourselves reflected back in the all-loving eyes of God that we truly know ourselves. only then do we know that 'our hearts are made for You, O Lord, and they will not rest until they rest in You.' in silence we come to know ourselves and know what we truly want. and the doorway to happiness opens."

Action must be balanced with contemplation.

how wonderful. anways, im "GLOWING" from the retreat. it will not last i know, cos life is still a constant struggle, no less. but i ll try.

creep!

i really think that j is such a creep. he knows of things in the pipeline cos i know he keeps his ears open and likes to go ard chit-chatting. so he came out of one room just now. vps sit in rooms. he has no official business in that room i know. it was probably just to chit chat. i dint mean to be there. was trying to catch the pple who was going to go in. and he came out then. he has that funny look on his face. probably too much gossips overflowing his small brain. such a creep.

he s kinda gay. maybe he ll tell me one day when we are no longer coworkers.

blabber

my plan to go home this year is kinda crushed. went for an interview some weeks back with some hf that was recruiting for the spore office. the interviewer was a huge asshole and i gave a bad interview. i think he has some korean blood in him. well, i have said before that koreans are my downfalls- though they are the kind of look that i like: small eyes.

that s the not point. im kinda tired and dont know how to go on from here. to get a new job means that i have to stay longer in ny which means that im not going home yet which means that this is not what i really want. i asked that friend who has gone home for good how he knew it was time to leave. he said circumstances would be pointing to one direction- you ll just know. i guess i was hoping that everything would be pointing east for me so that i can pack up and leave *disappear* *yay* but sadly not the case for me. this is why im troubled.

heading for a retreat this weekend. something that i struggled to decide becos its jeff's bbq this sat and i was looking forward to go for the longest time. oh well. life. but the retreat will probably be worth it, i hope. saw the schedule and there seemed to be many sharings. my mind is blank and it has been so for a while. what if i have nothing to share??

i think im turning dumber by staying in this job and staying in ny.

foodie me

such a foodie right. found these 2 pictures of me taken by a friend. i was probably posing for the pictures but i was sure excited. ice cream cake! coldstone ice-cream cake!!

addiction

i cant explain my crazy addiction to sushi. the spicy tuna roll at morimoto was huge- check out the size. the rest of the sushi too. however, i need to declare sushi of gari as the winner. they have the best rolls.

morimoto is the iron chef, btw.

bbq

we had a bbq on sat for jack's going away. actually, its his home-coming- back to singapore for good. when will i know its time to quit ny? im struggling to make a decision.

spicy tuna roll

spicy tuna roll at sushi of gari. its so addictive.

love generation

so that i ll remember

Shiawase na Ketsumatsu- by Ohtaki Eiichi

love generation- think this was my first japanese drama. fell in love with the song and of course with the main female character riko. someone ever so bubbly.

Shiawase na Ketsumatsu

Newport, RI

was at newport, RI over the weekend. nothing memorable or un-memorable. the company was good, to my surprise. guess the best part was the Newport Vineyard- they are the largest in New England. bought 3 bottles- newport reisling (this is unbelivably good), rose white merlot and great white. i dont like reds anymore. they seem like acquired taste for me now. realized that i only drink them when im moody. semi-dry whites are my fave now. blush wines are good for a change too.

so fucked up

you yearn for things that you cant get. so you know what my biggest yearning is? i really really want to travel so much. i m not doing as much as i wish i am or had. i think one of the biggest regret when i leave this place is that i did not go to as many places as i could have. and its so frustrating because its not that i dont have the money or the time. i dont have a traveling buddy so things are just so out of my control. i get frustrated over things that i have no control over. so sad.. really.. i get depressed over this fact. if only im dumb and not exposed to what the world can offer. if only i dont have the money or that im a stingy introvert who only likes to stay at home and keep my money in the bank. what a fuckup world.

7/4 fireworks

caught the macy's fireworks for the first time. everyone says that its spectacular and its like nothing they have seen before. well, it was indeed fun. i went with a couple so i was watching it by myself in some way. but this was just like the magical night i had skating at Rockefeller's- a magical moment that i lost myself. there wasnt any need to be around anyone. i fixated the sky, not blinking much cos i dint want to risk missing out on stuff. not to miss the point here, but the boom-boom-booms captivated me, more so than the displays.

i had a thought. shouldnt life be like a sparkle, with a huge and thundering impact, though momentous? who cares for eternity if its drifting along quietly?

it was no coincidence

there were several times that i felt so low. however, each time i was having my quiet time in church or attending sunday services during these lousy periods, i always felt that i was being spoken to, be it from the readings or the homily given by the father. i picked up the bible last night. something that i havent been too disciplined with. i was thoroughly amazed by the reading that was presented to me. i cried and i had this enormous urge to share it, which i did. something that i dont quite normally do, only with people close to me and whom i know wldnt be uncomfortable with the sharing.

today was the dinner w ey and this clashed with the mustard seed cocktail party. i decided to give the party a miss cos i just thought that business function took precedence. so while reading the bible last night, the second reading was simply perfect for the occasion. i acted on my urge and emailed the gang, though i know of people who arent christians in the emailing group. this was the reading- 2 Cor 9:6-11

"whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. each must do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. moreover, God is able to make every grace abundant for you so that in all things, always having all you need, you may have abundance for every good work... the one who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed and increase the harvest of your righteousness. you are being enriched in every way for all generosity, which through us produces thanksgiving to God."

isnt this truly amazing??!!

HE always speaks to me, in his own way, in his time. i cant escape his presence at all. im so glad that HE has held on to my little hand and has not given up on me. im so lonely right now but i know i cant say that because i have him.

6972 yay

was the jpm corporate challenge yesterday. i did well, my record time for the 3 challenges i have done so far. so next time, i can call myself "10 min mile" or less. did 34:17 min for 3.5 miles in central park. nice!

balance

i dont know how to reconcile this. i hate people who look you up only when they have favors. so when you hear from them, you know that they have stuff to ask or favors they need help with. this is not a bad thing right? i mean, this is how the world works right?

offhand, i can think of 2 people who are like that. this person called j. i dont even want her to label her as my friend cos we are just like, you know, well, sporeans.. know each other, hang out when there is a gathering for sporeans. but i came to realize that each time i hear from her, its because she wants to know about something. she doesnt call me but she ll msn me. the last round, i cldnt really be bothered cos i dint want to help so i dint reply to her msn.

anyways, this entry is not about her. its abt that friend that broke my heart. so i dint hear from her since the movie date. and i think i probably blogged before that i dont hear from her either, unless she has favors from me. so it is happening again. and im just so vexed. cos i know, to be a nice person, i shld oblige and help her out but i dont really fucking care. so i just want to ignore. but i feel like a jerk if i do that so im so tormented now. that s why im questioning my actions.

sugar high

let me list the different varieties of fruits i have in my fridge right now.

the "ries" family: blueberries, cherries, raspberries, strawberries
the melon family: water-melon, cantaloupe
the citrus family: grapefruit, oranges, lemons
the rest: apple, grapes, peach, prunes

pretty scary aint it? is there something called vitamins overdose? i had to stop myself from buying a pineapple and replenish my bananas. the reason why im blogging this is because i find it disturbing. this seems to be some form of behavior that i cant explain nor control. that s why its kinda freaking me out.

6.10 Puerto Rican Day

with the bikes

finally got to go for this, after missing it for two years. the crowd was truly amazing. this got to be the most interesting and rowdy and hot parade amongst all that i have gone for.

Love of the Lord

All that I counted as gain,
now I consider as loss.
Empty and worthless to me,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)

Riches and honors will fade,
earthly delight disappear.
Fade like the grass of the field,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)

Silver and gold have I none,
no land to count as my home.
Yet wealth beyond measure I own,
in the light of the love of the Lord. (Chorus)

Faith is the wealth I possess,
finding its souce in my God.
Faith in the promise of Christ,
is my life and my love of the Lord. (Chorus)

Chorus
What more could bring us hope than to know the pow'r of his life?
What more could bring us peace than to share in his suff'ring and death?
What more could be our final wish than to live in the love of the Lord?

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words,
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

(In album version but not in music video)
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

sperms are cute

this is such a cute article on sperms.. i cracked up aloud at work while reading it. check out the descriptions in pink!

from the nytimes

Sleek, Fast and Focused: The Cells That Make Dad Dad

By NATALIE ANGIER
Published: June 12, 2007

We are fast approaching Father’s Day, the festive occasion on which we plague Dad with yet another necktie or collect phone call and just generally strive to remind the big guy of the central verity of paternity — that it’s a lot more fun to become a father than to be one. “I won’t lie to you,” said the great Homer Simpson. “Fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.” Yet in our insistence that men are more than elaborately engineered gamete vectors, we neglect the marvels of their elaborately engineered gametes. As the scientists who study male germ cells will readily attest, sperm are some of the most extraordinary cells of the body, a triumph of efficient packaging, sleek design and superspecialization. Human sperm are extremely compact, and they’ve been stripped of a normal cell’s protein-making machinery; but when cast into the forbidding environment of the female reproductive tract, they will learn on the job and change their search strategies and swim strokes as needed.

Sperm are also fast and as cute as tadpoles. They have chubby teardrop heads and stylish, tapering tails, and they glide, slither, bumble and do figure-eights. So while a father may not be entitled to take the same pride in his sperm as he does in his kids, it’s fair to celebrate the single-minded cellular commas that helped give those children their start.

Sperm are pretty much the tiniest cells in the human body. The head of a mature, semen-ready sperm cell spans about 5 microns, or two-thousandths of an inch, less than half the width of a white blood cell or a skin cell. And a sperm cell is absurdly dwarfed by its female counterpart, the egg, which, fittingly or not, is among the biggest cells in the body. At 30 times the width of a sperm, the egg is massive enough to be seen with the naked eye.

But men have the overwhelming quantitative edge in the gamete games. Whereas current evidence suggests that a human female is born with all the eggs she will have, and that only about 500 of her natal stock of one million will ever ripen and have a shot at fertilization, a male from puberty onward is pretty much a nonstop sperm bakery. Each testicle generates more than 4 million new sperm per hour, for a lifetime total of maybe 12 trillion sperm per man (although the numbers vary with the day and generally slope downward with age).

The average ejaculation consists mostly of a teaspoon’s worth of nonspermic seminal fluid, a viscous mix of sugars, citric acid and other ingredients designed to pamper and power the sperm cells and prepare them for difficult times ahead; the sperm proper account for only about 1 percent of the semen mass. Yet in that 1 percent may be found 150 million sperm, 150 million human aspirants yearning to meet their mammoth other halves.

To which one can crack, dream on. Not only are there far too few eggs to go around, but also the majority of sperm couldn’t fertilize an ovum if it were plunked down in front of them. “Only a perfectly normal sperm can penetrate an egg,” said Dr. Harry Fisch, a urologist at Columbia University Medical Center, “and the majority of sperm are abnormally shaped.” Some may have pinheads, others have two heads, some lack tails, a third don’t move at all. As a rule, Dr. Fisch said, a man is lucky if 15 percent of his sperm are serviceable. “One guy I saw had 22 percent,” he said, “but that’s rare.”

Creating sperm is a complex, multistep operation in which immature cells spend one or two months wending through a labyrinth of tubules coiled in the testes, at each stage losing a bit more of the blobby contours and yolky contents of standard cells and assuming the streamlined profile of sperm cells. The operation is a delicate one that must be performed at temperatures some 2 degrees below that of the body, which is why the testicles hang outside the body, where breezes can keep them cool; why a man hoping to become a father is advised to skip the hot baths and saunas; and why a bout of high fever can disrupt fertility for months.

The model sperm that emerges at tubule’s end has, like an insect, three basic body segments. Of crowning importance is the head, which is taken up largely by a supercondensed tangle of 23 chromosomes, half the complement of DNA found in a normal body cell and thus the right number to merge with an egg’s 23 chromosomes and begin tapping out a whole new body. At the tip of the sperm head is the acrosome, a specialized sack of enzymes that help the sperm penetrate through what Joseph S. Tash, a male fertility expert at the University of Kansas Medical Center, calls the “forest” of ancillary cells and connective tissue that surrounds the ripe, ready egg.

Below the head is the midpiece, which is packed with the tiny engines called mitochondria that lend the sperm its motility, and below the midpiece is the tail, a bundle of 11 entwined filaments that thrashes and propels a sperm forward at the estimable pace of one-twelfth of an inch per minute, the equivalent of a human striding at four miles an hour.

Sperm do not really hit their stride until they are deposited in the female reproductive tract, at which point chemical signals from the vaginal and cervical mucus seem to spark them to life. Released from the buffering folds of their seminal delivery blanket, they at first swim straight ahead, torpedo-style, “with very little back and forth of the head,” Dr. Tash said. They may linger in the cervical mucus for a couple of days, or cross the cervix and enter the uterus.
If an egg has burst from its ovarian follicle and been plucked by a fallopian tube, sperm can sense its signature, a telltale shift in calcium ions. The sperm become “hyperactivated,” said Moira O’Bryan, a sperm expert at Monash University in Australia, switching to “a crazed figure-eight motion” ideal for boring through barriers. The ovum eggs them on, signaling some to play the sacrificial kamikaze and explode their enzyme sacks prematurely, loosening the corridor for other, shapelier sperm to pass through intact. A few dozen fine-figured sperm find their way to the final barrier, the egg’s plasma membrane, where they waggle with all their crazy-eight might and beg to be chosen — but only one will be taken, will fuse with the egg and be absorbed into its rich inner sanctum.

In a fraction of a second, an electrical, ionic jolt dramatically changes the egg’s outer coat, to forestall the lethal intrusion of additional sperm.

The wheels are in motion. How do you like your new tie?

to add on

to add that its was a screening of a movie that has my favorite guy. there was no intention of asking me to watch it together. i was only invited when the bf cld not make it.

im still crying a day after.

i was stung and it hurts

she did it again.

a call came and i was asked if i want to go for a free screening. i was home but i said yes. next qn from me was if bf was going too. reply was oh precisely he cldnt.. i was quiet for 2 seconds cos i dint know how to react exactly. i dint know what to think.. actually not really.. my mind was going in a direction that i dint want to go. it was telling me- oh so im the backup plan. that hurts. geez. but im not supposed to think in that way right? i have a choice right? i can stay home and not go. so if i want to be the backup i cant complain right?

i went nevertheless. it was alright. but of course i could quote small exchanges that i dint think i deserve the treatment given. like how i dint recognize the actor and made a remark an hour into the film so an exaggerated unbelief came from her, which i thought was totally uncalled for.

ultimatum- bf still dint turn up when the screening was done. she called and sweetly said she wld go by his office to wait. from her replies to him, bf was asking her to go home with me, to which she said-ah its fine, she can go back first. she sweetly asked if he had dinner and was going to get porridge for him. knowing that, and not wanting to hang around, since we were not going back together anyway, i tapped on her shoulder, gave a bright smile, and said bye.

my brain was in a turmoil. my heart bleeding. i wanted to cry but my eyes were dry. it was too painful. the backup was done for the day, why would i still need her to hang around?

i have stopped being possesive cos she said i was. i have hardened my heart from all previous incidents. but im not a smart dog who knows old tricks well. i will try not to care. i promise i ll try.

too playful

this friend worries me. he s getting married soon but why do i get the feeling that he s not ready and probably he s doing it cos its the only thing to do, that they have come to a point that it s time to get married.

so i stepped in for the previous incident with a mutual friend. i wldnt have done what i did. if not for the fact that he is getting married.

so to escape the group dinner i wrote about on 5/29, i went out with this friend. it was nice that i got to check out hoboken in nj. and it was even nicer that the rented car was a 2-door. not sure how it started but after we were done with dinner, he said to go to my place, very naturally, to finish the merlot ive got. but we winded up at his place in the end cos i have no tv and no ac. on the drive back, he started talking about giving him a massage?? well, i dint take him seriously. so at his place, the tv was on. he blasted the ac in the living room and moved the sofa next to the ac and brought out his pillows and made himself comfortable on the sofa. not sure how i agreed to give him his massage. i wasnt doing a good job. well, of course i dint want to do a good job. i felt weird and just wanted to do a sucky one so that he wld get me to stop. but he decided to show me how. hmm.. and not sure why he did that, but he poked me at my sides?? and i jumped. well, im tickish. and gee, he got even more excited cos he found my achilles' heel. so he started to want to grab me and tickle me?? had i not jumped off the sofa, he wld have caught me and i can imagine wrestling with him on the sofa?? it was just too much for me. i didnt want to act as if it was a big deal cos i dint want to think in that way so i had to keep laughing and at the same time, not make the situation uncomfortable?? when the whole time, i was freaking out and what the f is he trying to do?? it cant be the wine. it cant be he s attracted to me. then wtf was he trying to do??

brrrrr madness. he was acting weirdly!! he said i cld stay over but said that i can take his bed and he s staying on the sofa. it was past 1. i was watching the friendly match btw brazil and england. i mumbled, gave lame excuses- no toothbrush, no change of clothes. he said he can supply all. when the match ended, i said i want to go home. so he was luaing on the sofa. was behaving like a kid- 10 min more.. give him a massage and he ll wake up when its done?? when i finally managed to haul him out of the door, he tried to grab me again?? and i literally fell over so he had to grab me?? it was getting very awkward for me. the walk to the car was awkward. he s a perfect gentleman but i was so sensitive that when he dint walk to the driver's seat and instead open the car's door for me, i felt totally off. brrrrr

he dint stop to want to tickle me. so each time he rested his right elbow on the middle support, i wld grab his hand cos i was seriously freaking out- i was paranoid that he was going to grab me. so in the end, i ended grabing his hands and his touch which i was trying to avoid. he came up to check out my place. his actions were sober. not that he was ever drunk but i dint know what got into him. he left after 15 min.

i refused to go in that direction. well he will never know this but if not for the fact that he s getting married, if he s just attached and not getting married, i think i ll probably play along too, just for the fun. but i cldnt bear to do it, knowing that he s getting married!! and i know his wife-to-be.

on the ride home, i was blabbering some nonsense just to make things not awkward so i said, oh im not that tickish, just that im not used to you. cos if im really that tickish, its impossible right? cos then how wld other guys get to touch me. when i said that, there was a painful realization- it has been a while since i have been intimate with someone.

damn tried to escape the awkward dinner and ended up with this weird night.

ok i cant stop blabbering now. but lily is back in town for this week so we went karaoke just now (sat night) and done. so took the train home with zw. and guess what?? when we got out of our car, my crush and his gf got out from the same train too!! just that they were in the next car!! i felt her uncomfortableness when she saw me but i wld like to think that is because im foreign to her. i said hi, and flashed a mega-watts smile. morale of story- things that you painfully want to avoid have a way to get back to you.

ok sleeping.

the cobbler rocks

im feeling pretty low now (but no one knows). however, when i look around, i see so much more sadness in this world. i ll then try to pick myself up and feel that im fortunate to be not in their situation. this is not the best way but it helps sometimes.

was at chinatown to mend my heels. saw this old man and i asked how much. he probably dint understand much mandarin but held out 4 of his fingers. deal. he was very meticulous. my shoes are some cheap charles and keith pair but the treatment given was as it s a pair of manolo blahniks. after finding the right shape and size heel to fit, he glued the bottom, fixed the thing in and hammered it gingerly. i thought that was it. next he stood up, opened his side cabinet and pulled something, which turned out to be a generator. it was to power his machine which was used to smoothen the heels. when done, he sat down and cut off some stray black stuff and he then gave the shoes a final brush. he placed them on the ground and looked up at me, beaming brightly and signaled me to try them on.

this guy totally blew my mind away!! shame on me that i passed him a $5 and took $1 change from him. i should have left him the change. i will go back to him again, totally.

the best part was actually when he placed the shoes down and looked up at me. imagine him sitting on his stool and me standing around. so he has to lift his head up to make eye contact. that moment he looked up.. the beam on his face.. tanned (and dry) face.. white stray hair.. huge black plastic glasses.. he lit up my day for a minute. thank you mr cobbler. you probably dint know that you lifted my spirit for a moment.

memorial 07

we were taking a break from our biking and found this cliff that overlooks the LeHigh gorge. sunday was our turn to do the white water-rafting. had a hell of a time.

pai2 pai2 zhou4

this was taken at NY Aquarium on 5/21.

checked out coney island too, where the aquarium is located. the place is definitely a passe but oh well, its only right to do the touristy stuff- ate the world famous nathan's hotdog.

....

so his gf is coming this thurs and he asked if want to do group dinner on fri. i asked where. he said chinatown, since its a big group. silly me started to take charge again. why ct?? so i researched a few places for him. im feeling so lousy now. wish that im not doing this to myself- telling him to go here or there cos the place is cute, nice brunch and blah, giving him all sorts of suggestions where he can bring her. why am i doing this??

anyways, i dint say i was going to go or not. he probably assumed that im going since i shot him so many places. i think, well i think i ll do it.. i probably wont turn up on fri. i dont want to pretend im enjoying the dinner while im actually there just because im breathing and existing.

ya im breathing and existing. kill me..

human touch needed

yesterday was memorial day. went to pocono for biking and whitewater rafting over the weekend and got back on sunday. i woke up on monday not knowing my itinerary for the day- to laze ard, to chill outside or to cut my hair. friends decided for me cos they asked me out.

was with BY at the street fair on broadway. i then decided to go for my haircut so we parted ways. i was on the 7 train by myself to flushing. had my shades on cos i dint want to make eye contact with anyone. loneliness overcome me. suddenly, i missed the human touch that i needed rather desperately. not sure how or why but i actually teared and had to stop myself from thinking so that i wont make a mess out of myself.

i am filling up my weekends with activities after activities but it is not helping and i know that. but what else can i do? does anyone notice anything amiss with me?

aww

as far as i can remember, this year is the first time that i sent something home for mothers' day. or for any other occasion. im quite emotionally constipated when it comes to my family. or its just that i dont think there is much need to show them that they are the most impt pple to me on this earth, be it through words or actions. they should know.

so i have asked bobi to fedex a bear back this year. marmi called minutes ago. she was so excited over the phone that i was wondering what the matter was. OH so it was the package that she received. well, seriously, i think it made her day. hmm dint know that such a simple act will make her so happy. maybe i ll try to do more in future.

shhhhhhh

im screaming silently- an oxymoron

all the adrenaline rush from 4.27 till 5.6 died when the dog sitting days were over. now im so so so so so bored and feeling so empty. i dont feel like hanging out with anyone cos its a short-term solution. i feel so f**king down again when the hangout is over. someone help. the ironic thing is that no one can help. so tired.

platonic

Platonic love in its modern popular sense is an affectionate relationship into which the sexual element does not penetrate, especially in cases where one might easily assume otherwise. A simple example of platonic relationships is a deep, non-sexual friendship between two heterosexual people of the opposite sexes.
~ from wikipedia

i dont think it exists. maybe just because i dont think i can do it so i dont think it exists.

it s cruel how things work in life. we never have much to say to each other previously. we just hang out in the group. then he got attached. ok, good for him. im still alone. not sure what happened, oh.. i remember. it was after we got back from sg. we were msning. think he was lost, dint know when is a good time to quit ny. i totally understood how he felt, cos im in the same situation. so he said he finally found someone he could confide in and understand what the deal was. the friendship took off from there. well, more so for him i guess.

another comment made by him- he was amazed how i could remain sane when im surrounded by couples. truly, everyone has someone, except me. though its is LDR for him, he still has someone. i smiled at him; i dint know what else to say but to smile, abeit bleeding inside. maybe im dying slowly. i dont know. i try my best and if this is the best that i can do, this is the end right?

i have resolve not to hang out with him alone, but somehow we are doing that rather frequently now. i know i wont say anything that will kill the "platonic love". rather, im guided by my conscience. so how does the story go on from here?

dawg sitting

haze

im finally home... after a week of dawg-sitting. i missed my apt and my bed so much. i think im showing symptoms of OCD. i was so miserable staying over at m&m's house. i dint move much when i slept on their bed. i held my breath while in their bathroom- disliked the damp and wet smell. i HAVE to shower before i get into bed but i dint do that last sunday. and when dawn broke, i walked haze hurriedly and left their house to shower in my gym. it was bad. dont quite understand why they are not keeping their house in a better state- they are not renting it; they own it.

had a business event on fri and though it ended after lunch, i dint go back to office but came home. guess what i did? laundry. and mopped the floor. guess what i did last sat noon? i left haze at their place and came home to wash the sofa that he pee-ed on. guess what i did before i left harry's place on sat's afternoon? laundry. im mad- seemed to have a HUGE need to keep my apt clean and neat and doing laundry seemed to liberate me. i dont like doing it but the smell of clean clothes and empty laundry basket make me feel good.

well, its finally over. the back-to-back dawg-sitting. worned out totally. very exhausted. however, the emptiness is back again. what is wrong with me?

alarm clock

dint know that dogs are likes cocks who crow at dawn.

haze woke me up at 559am yesterday. today he woke me up at 4 plus but i shook the can and the next time the barkings and yelpings came were at 600am.

he was hungry. it is definitely a zombified weekend for me.

how to pack

it was crazy packing just now. im staying over at m&m's now to look after haze. yesterday was an eventful day. mike brought haze to my place but guess he wasnt comfortable at all. after m left, haze pee-ed on my couch and did not stop shivering when i carried him. i couldnt bear with it and brought him back to m&m's place. ran out of the house with just a sweater.

so... i had to go home to pack for next week cos was going to stay over at harry's to take care of wire but the number of outfits i had to assemble was outrageous.

sunday
- brunch/church
- brooklyn botanical garden for sakura
- ballet performance at night

monday to friday
- work attire and i tried my best to mix and match such that i can repeat stuff without anyone noticing
- gym clothes

wednesday
- business casual for an event, which means a suit
- andy's office party

saturday
- tribeca film fest

it was impossible to get all outfits into my addidas gym bag. not to say the matching accessories, matching shoes and matching bags. argh. did i over-pack?

pseudo summer

the sheep meadow in central park

this is what you see on the guide books. and i finally captured it on my camera. it was blazing hot last sunday. so come the nyokers in their trunks and bikinis, tanning in central park. how desperate are they! ahha... for all that effort, they will only get burnt and turn red. not tanned.

i love the skycrappers in the background and grills in the foreground. it was quite a perfect sunday, abeit for the overpriced brunch at sarabeth's. how did i remeber it to be so good 2 years ago?