by myself

i kept thinking about alot of things. i am getting unhappier each day. marmi sensed it from my tone probably, so she has asked me several times if im unhappy. though i have never said a single word about how lost im about my future, only letting on that work is v busy, i think she can feel the weight on me. she s so vexed/ helpless that im so unhappy. so she ll say that ive gotten my wish to go far away from home so what s still making me so unhappy. i didnt reply; i cried silently. i couldnt lift myself up.

i look at sy. birthday is a special day so im not sure if he s truly happy that he s celebrating w a bunch of not-so-close friends. so where are his so-called friends on his special day? i look at the queens people. they seem to hang out with each other only, seem to have lotsa activities going on but i dont want to be like them or even par-take in their fun, no matter how lonely im. i ll rather sulk at home.

i knew that i would be a more perfect friend today to lukas if i have gone out with him. but i was selfish and i decided to go with my mood-- stayed in to do laundry, iron clothes, watch pride and & prejudice. even when he suggested korean food, i was mean enough to say that i did not want to eat out. so in the end, he ordered in and i cooked my dinner and we watched bewitched. i made banana smoothie for him. hopefully that made up for my selfishness.

and cant help that im really lonely on earth. so-called friends have their mood swings too and they are not dependent. im finding hard to keep friendships going. people change and if we cant keep up with each other, no matter how much fun we had before, they will only become memories. human beings are cruel and selfish; past memories dont ensure that friendships will last forever.

many examples for the past days reminded me of this cruel fact.

• you can strike off friends who are attached cos you will never be their priority.
• it hurts to bum into friends on the streets when they are going for dim sum together. it didnt make things better when they asked you on the spot to join them. it didnt matter that you would not have been able to make it anyway cos you had some other date. it would just set you thinking: why werent i invited in the first place?
• it hurts that you introduced friends and they become better friends with each other than with you. i swear im generous with friends and i can shout outloud that these people will be minus many friends if not for me. so its a harsh slap when they are not appreciative in the end, though i know im not supposed to feel that they owe me a deal.

im just so tired of trying to make things work. though i can feel things slipping away from me, i cant seem to find it in me to do anything.

who wants to be my friend forever and ever?