it was tracy's last day in sg office yesterday. thought i ll blog about this event.
i remembered having my first encounter with her. that was the phone interview after ive met up with josh in ny. i like her personality right from the start. she sounded like a very chirpy and upbeat person and totally the perfect boss i want to work for/with. subsequently i got the job with the company and worked under her. she has been a real good person to work with, totally compatible with my working style - cool, not uptight, trust me to do a good job, very supportive and encouraging, allowed me to speak my mind, always trying to accommodate my requests.
i know i ll miss her (badly). however, there werent any tears at the farewell. she was very appreciative of all the well-meanings she received i supposed. we all look ahead to what the future has in place for us. i hope i wont miss her too badly.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Day 11 without LK: 6.27
got my ass out of the house for pilates. i do like going for pilates just that it doesnt help that i need to commute for an hr to get to gym. i remembered the days in ny when i was staying in manhattan and equinox was just round the corner. it was truly city living- waking up early to go to the gym or central park, feeling so good after a good workout, going to wholefoods for groceries, back home to chill or shower to go for brunch or just simply have a walk down the streets checking out the sights and beautiful people. it was the perfect lifestyle that i was glad i enjoyed it for a few years.
just re-reading his journals. there was an entry about "flirting". he sounds irritated that im getting attention from other guys who are actually my friends. well if i put myself in his shoes, if the situation is that there are gals flirting with him, i think i will not take it well too. even if these are just female friends, i dont think i ll allow him to get close to anyone. i dont believe in platonic relationships.
we will have to talk about this. so many things are on hold because he is not around. everything has come to a standstill. i really cant wait for him to get back.
just re-reading his journals. there was an entry about "flirting". he sounds irritated that im getting attention from other guys who are actually my friends. well if i put myself in his shoes, if the situation is that there are gals flirting with him, i think i will not take it well too. even if these are just female friends, i dont think i ll allow him to get close to anyone. i dont believe in platonic relationships.
we will have to talk about this. so many things are on hold because he is not around. everything has come to a standstill. i really cant wait for him to get back.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Day 10 without LK: 6.26
the waves of pinning for him kept crashing at me. sometimes it gets unbearable. i feel helpless and frustrated at the helplessness. oh well it is a friday and fridays are not meant to be a working day.
i went for my first official massage. i was embarrassed when the masseur commented on my awkwardness. oh well, it was my "first time" afterall. and she said something so tacky- i will give you a good one since you are giving me your first time. *roll eyes* imagine that said in malaysian accented mandarin. luckily it dint turn out too bad though i tried not to giggle when she was massaging my soles and my inner thigns. hmmm...
the consultant tried selling me the ipt for ahem you-know-where. if only i had acted spontaneously i wld have signed up the package. but i wanted to know his thoughts. maybe he ll get a surprise one day.
cant stop talking to him though its not that cheap. the phone conversations are lengthy as if we are both in sg. its so not the way to spend money but i just couldnt stop taking, hearing his voice, teasing him... missing him heaps..
i went for my first official massage. i was embarrassed when the masseur commented on my awkwardness. oh well, it was my "first time" afterall. and she said something so tacky- i will give you a good one since you are giving me your first time. *roll eyes* imagine that said in malaysian accented mandarin. luckily it dint turn out too bad though i tried not to giggle when she was massaging my soles and my inner thigns. hmmm...
the consultant tried selling me the ipt for ahem you-know-where. if only i had acted spontaneously i wld have signed up the package. but i wanted to know his thoughts. maybe he ll get a surprise one day.
cant stop talking to him though its not that cheap. the phone conversations are lengthy as if we are both in sg. its so not the way to spend money but i just couldnt stop taking, hearing his voice, teasing him... missing him heaps..
Day 9 without LK: 6.25
i had lunch with harry and his daughter mag today. i was constantly staring at mag cos of her deep set eyes. they reminded me of him. his arent that deep set but they sparkle as much as hers *dreamy*.
met hj for dinner. the conversations during our meetups are always pretty one-way. i want to say that im the keen listener who can empathize with her. i usually feel drained after meeting her becos she would have blabbered on for the whole duration. nevertheless i think if i made her day, it is kinda worthwhile. she is one person who has a good heart and good natured in many ways. i remembered blogging somewhere about her being blessed in many ways just becos she is a simple person.
i was very happy to talk to him. cool that he could sense it from the other side. him being rather insensitive at times, i was surprised that he can sense my moods quite well over the phone.
met hj for dinner. the conversations during our meetups are always pretty one-way. i want to say that im the keen listener who can empathize with her. i usually feel drained after meeting her becos she would have blabbered on for the whole duration. nevertheless i think if i made her day, it is kinda worthwhile. she is one person who has a good heart and good natured in many ways. i remembered blogging somewhere about her being blessed in many ways just becos she is a simple person.
i was very happy to talk to him. cool that he could sense it from the other side. him being rather insensitive at times, i was surprised that he can sense my moods quite well over the phone.
Day 8 without LK: 6.24
i went to work feeling not too great. this week isnt that exciting nor stressful. just finishing up the fs and more ticking and tying. it feels like im back to the good old auditing days.
was so excited to see him online!!! yay finally i could talk to him at length. i dont want to take it for granted that we are able to chat online during office hours. before he made it known to me that he likes me (yay), we were chatting quite a fair bit online. i remembered skyping bt and telling her about this guy who tells me his whereabouts. i had thought it to be strange for an activity buddy to be doing that. she told me he probably likes me and i kinda denied. well, we are activitiy buddies right? anyway, during that time, when he was out on his fridays, there will be no msning from him. honestly i felt the void he left. but i couldnt tell him.
not knowing why but i had wanted to give church a miss. but he told me i should go. im glad that i went. although as i type away now i cant remember the homily for that day, i hope that god will not be upset with me for even thinking of not going to see him and be in his presence. im feeling spiritually empty now. not sure what is happening but i think i need more quiet time with god.
was so excited to see him online!!! yay finally i could talk to him at length. i dont want to take it for granted that we are able to chat online during office hours. before he made it known to me that he likes me (yay), we were chatting quite a fair bit online. i remembered skyping bt and telling her about this guy who tells me his whereabouts. i had thought it to be strange for an activity buddy to be doing that. she told me he probably likes me and i kinda denied. well, we are activitiy buddies right? anyway, during that time, when he was out on his fridays, there will be no msning from him. honestly i felt the void he left. but i couldnt tell him.
not knowing why but i had wanted to give church a miss. but he told me i should go. im glad that i went. although as i type away now i cant remember the homily for that day, i hope that god will not be upset with me for even thinking of not going to see him and be in his presence. im feeling spiritually empty now. not sure what is happening but i think i need more quiet time with god.
Day 7 without LK: 6.23
nothing too significant about this day. i had my favourite homecooked dish for dinner - dried beancurd cooked with curry powder, with lots of carrot, onion and galic. if im coming home for dinner, marmi will be sure to cook it for me, so i have it at least once a week. marmi looked happy to see me back for dinner. i could see her face lit up thought after that, she turned her attention to her korean drama. oh well, i can understand- they are addictive.
this is the wimbledon week. rf wasnt playing so i dint catch much of the tv though it was turned on. im getting more tv time when baby is not around.
this is the wimbledon week. rf wasnt playing so i dint catch much of the tv though it was turned on. im getting more tv time when baby is not around.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Day 6 without LK: 6.22
the walk home from lakeside station can be monotonous or enjoyable. when im too tired i will usually hop on a cab so that i can get home in 5 min. if not the 20 min walk home is usually a zone-out time for me to think about, well life in general i guess.
today's walk home was needless to say, turned towards thoughts on him. it has only been a week but it feels longer than that. i dont like to deal with distance and given the bad experience with it i dont ever want to go through it again.
it feels as if time has come to a standstill. i tried not to think too much, carried on life as usual. i had thought it may be a liberating two weeks- time for me to catch up on my beauty sleep, catch up with family and friends, catch up with my own time. these were things that i fought fiercely for in the few years before april. however surprisingly i really miss him. its not the familiarity that im missing. i think it is too soon to take him/things for granted. in fact, i dont think i will ever take anyone for granted.
i truly enjoy him being around me and me being around him. can i go through times without him in my life now?
today's walk home was needless to say, turned towards thoughts on him. it has only been a week but it feels longer than that. i dont like to deal with distance and given the bad experience with it i dont ever want to go through it again.
it feels as if time has come to a standstill. i tried not to think too much, carried on life as usual. i had thought it may be a liberating two weeks- time for me to catch up on my beauty sleep, catch up with family and friends, catch up with my own time. these were things that i fought fiercely for in the few years before april. however surprisingly i really miss him. its not the familiarity that im missing. i think it is too soon to take him/things for granted. in fact, i dont think i will ever take anyone for granted.
i truly enjoy him being around me and me being around him. can i go through times without him in my life now?
Day 5 without LK: 6.21
this was a horrible day. CRAMPS. ARGH. it started after lunch and i was wringling in so much pain that i could hardly move. and i couldnt seem to find a position that would ease the pain.
the cramps dint stop even till bedtime. i was still in so much pain that i was whining to mum. she came in to stroke me and that helped a little. it has been a while since she last came to lie on my bed. i fell asleep and remembered daddy coming to get her out of my room. so grateful i had her hand stroking me.
the cramps dint stop even till bedtime. i was still in so much pain that i was whining to mum. she came in to stroke me and that helped a little. it has been a while since she last came to lie on my bed. i fell asleep and remembered daddy coming to get her out of my room. so grateful i had her hand stroking me.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Day 4 without LK: 6.20
i slept in, woke up close to 11am. its been a while since i last slept in so i was feeling happy about it.
the night before i was checking out his albums on fb for the first time. in the past the cat in me would have want to find out all things about the guy im dating. im thinking perhaps im cooler now that im older meaning more mature and able to take things in my stride. anyway it was fun checking out the pictures. many nice ones. then i saw those pictures from his past. not sure how to think. couldnt exactly control the sour feeling that i got. swallowed hard. hahah perhaps if he was in town then, i would have called him at 1ish in the morning to "talk about it". nah i think im cooler than that.
i dont exactly know how to handle such things. how do you handle these things from the past. do i have the right to demand him to erase his past. even if so, its only erased from fb not the facts. the shots were seemingly and ghostly familiar. how he s taking shots of me now, i cld imagine him doing that of her. that felt lousy. so i wasnt that special afterall. the night turned bleaker from that moment. i dint want to turn to this thought but was i a replacement for the past.
the night before i was checking out his albums on fb for the first time. in the past the cat in me would have want to find out all things about the guy im dating. im thinking perhaps im cooler now that im older meaning more mature and able to take things in my stride. anyway it was fun checking out the pictures. many nice ones. then i saw those pictures from his past. not sure how to think. couldnt exactly control the sour feeling that i got. swallowed hard. hahah perhaps if he was in town then, i would have called him at 1ish in the morning to "talk about it". nah i think im cooler than that.
i dont exactly know how to handle such things. how do you handle these things from the past. do i have the right to demand him to erase his past. even if so, its only erased from fb not the facts. the shots were seemingly and ghostly familiar. how he s taking shots of me now, i cld imagine him doing that of her. that felt lousy. so i wasnt that special afterall. the night turned bleaker from that moment. i dint want to turn to this thought but was i a replacement for the past.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Day 3 without LK - 6.19
i woke up and checked for messages. none =(
anyway got to the gym. took the train with dad which turned out to be a happy one. he had a seat which he gave up just so that he can talk to me on the journey (im quoting him). our conversation topics were so varied. he noticed my bag and exclaimed its very nice and asked how much it cost. i told him its a thai brand, known for its silk. pointed out to him the brand and he made the effort to retrieve his glasses from his bag just so that he can read the brand and perhaps command it to his memory. next he exclaimed that the bag is very unique looking and that he had not seen anyone else carrying it! continued to blabber how everyone is carrying "the bag with many Cs", aka coach, and that they are all fake. to which i reply, ya i carry the real ones and you know how they look like so you can judge who are carrying the fakes. love my daddy who can always sing the same tune as me. i remembered being in hcmc airport and we had gone into burberry. the next time we saw a burberry, he was able to point out to me! how wonderful right?! mentioned briefly about work that my boss is moving on and i dont like the new person taking over. he told me to suck it up and work hard =(
im wearing his watch and keep staring at it throughout the day.
went for facial after work. ended ard 8ish and checked for his msg. there and then, on a friday night, i wished he was next to me. thought of not spending money on cabs, i took the bus home not wanting to deal w the train crowd. it turned out to be a bad choice- had to deal with a man who was coughing every 30 sec and dint miss a beat and a lady going beserk at the end by blasting remix music. sigh when will i make my resolution to stop public commuting come true.
anyway got to the gym. took the train with dad which turned out to be a happy one. he had a seat which he gave up just so that he can talk to me on the journey (im quoting him). our conversation topics were so varied. he noticed my bag and exclaimed its very nice and asked how much it cost. i told him its a thai brand, known for its silk. pointed out to him the brand and he made the effort to retrieve his glasses from his bag just so that he can read the brand and perhaps command it to his memory. next he exclaimed that the bag is very unique looking and that he had not seen anyone else carrying it! continued to blabber how everyone is carrying "the bag with many Cs", aka coach, and that they are all fake. to which i reply, ya i carry the real ones and you know how they look like so you can judge who are carrying the fakes. love my daddy who can always sing the same tune as me. i remembered being in hcmc airport and we had gone into burberry. the next time we saw a burberry, he was able to point out to me! how wonderful right?! mentioned briefly about work that my boss is moving on and i dont like the new person taking over. he told me to suck it up and work hard =(
im wearing his watch and keep staring at it throughout the day.
went for facial after work. ended ard 8ish and checked for his msg. there and then, on a friday night, i wished he was next to me. thought of not spending money on cabs, i took the bus home not wanting to deal w the train crowd. it turned out to be a bad choice- had to deal with a man who was coughing every 30 sec and dint miss a beat and a lady going beserk at the end by blasting remix music. sigh when will i make my resolution to stop public commuting come true.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Day 2 without LK - 6.18
"Dont get angry. Dont be upset; it only leads to trouble." - Psalm 37:8
that was the grace for the moment for 6.17. when i read it i was like deh, how appropriate?!
i had wanted to msg him but i decided not to. i am still quite upset. not sure why but am just upset. and he is not around to make me feel better. since he is not around physically, i only want to be alone. not sure when he is going to call me, if ever. i know he is going to say it is expensive, msges and emails will suffice (but it is not so for me). if this is a test of his love for me, he ll probably fail it quite miserably.
---
talked over msn. he was at blue pumpkin having his mango smoothie. ah that place has got some memories. me sitting across from him with him surfing the net or checking emails as he would have put it. at that point in time, i had wondered why he dint offer anyone to use his computer. remembered how his eyes had always sparkled when he talked about the must-try mango smoothies.
guessed i felt better to hear his voice. soothed me a little and i cldnt hold my anger any longer. it must be hellish for him trying to get me to talk to him. just finished another conversation with him at home.
baby, i miss you much. wish you can give me a hug now.
that was the grace for the moment for 6.17. when i read it i was like deh, how appropriate?!
i had wanted to msg him but i decided not to. i am still quite upset. not sure why but am just upset. and he is not around to make me feel better. since he is not around physically, i only want to be alone. not sure when he is going to call me, if ever. i know he is going to say it is expensive, msges and emails will suffice (but it is not so for me). if this is a test of his love for me, he ll probably fail it quite miserably.
---
talked over msn. he was at blue pumpkin having his mango smoothie. ah that place has got some memories. me sitting across from him with him surfing the net or checking emails as he would have put it. at that point in time, i had wondered why he dint offer anyone to use his computer. remembered how his eyes had always sparkled when he talked about the must-try mango smoothies.
guessed i felt better to hear his voice. soothed me a little and i cldnt hold my anger any longer. it must be hellish for him trying to get me to talk to him. just finished another conversation with him at home.
baby, i miss you much. wish you can give me a hug now.
Day 1 without LK - 6.17
im sure i would have missed him heaps if not for the silly episode on tues. he wanted me to tell him about the thing i was supposed to but i decided to msg him later because i dont want messages to get lost in the way i said it. i know he was not happy. i had to act cute and get him to talk to me from mos burger till we sat down for lunch. it just got to me after a while. i told him no one has ever thrown a tantrum at me and he will not be the first to do it.
wah the more i thought after it, the more upset i got. when i was done with my lunch, i just had to run away. so i ran away back to the office and stayed uncontactable for the rest of the day.
---
i woke up seeing his message and more messages in the morning. i decided to text him back becos he pleaded "pls stop ignoring me". im not sure if i had cooled down yet but i dint want to be so cruel. wasnt that blue at work with was fine but i was bored i know. he slipped into my mind a few times. dint know how to feel how to react how to proceed.
when i got the flowers at night, my heart jumped a little because it was such a pretty bunch. but somehow i felt let down. why did he have to behave the way he did. it felt so petty and so not grown up. after admiring the flowers and fussing over them like getting a vase and taking shots, i checked the phone for his call/text which never did come, i went to bed.
wah the more i thought after it, the more upset i got. when i was done with my lunch, i just had to run away. so i ran away back to the office and stayed uncontactable for the rest of the day.
---
i woke up seeing his message and more messages in the morning. i decided to text him back becos he pleaded "pls stop ignoring me". im not sure if i had cooled down yet but i dint want to be so cruel. wasnt that blue at work with was fine but i was bored i know. he slipped into my mind a few times. dint know how to feel how to react how to proceed.
when i got the flowers at night, my heart jumped a little because it was such a pretty bunch. but somehow i felt let down. why did he have to behave the way he did. it felt so petty and so not grown up. after admiring the flowers and fussing over them like getting a vase and taking shots, i checked the phone for his call/text which never did come, i went to bed.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
happiness that cannot be shared is not exactly happiness, is it?
she hit the core of it when she said she s sad for me. she s sad that i am not able to share my happiness because i know the reaction i will get.
happiness that cant be shared is not exactly happiness, is it?
i dont know what or how to think or feel. i dont even know how to begin to verbalize my thoughts. if there should even be a beginning if the end is already near.
who wants to walk this walk with me? who will stand by me? why am i in this kind of situation? why cant it be easy? simple love simple life. why cant this be possible?
happiness that cant be shared is not exactly happiness, is it?
i dont know what or how to think or feel. i dont even know how to begin to verbalize my thoughts. if there should even be a beginning if the end is already near.
who wants to walk this walk with me? who will stand by me? why am i in this kind of situation? why cant it be easy? simple love simple life. why cant this be possible?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
things havent changed
its all coming back again =(
why am i so princessy
why do i just become angry over small things and when things dont go my way
i felt that his attitude was lousy when i told him to get the dental apptmt
so from then on all things spiraled downwards
obviously he s clueless that im wasnt happy
he went on blabbering abt stuff
so i just canceled our apptmt well excuse was im really tired but more of i just wanted to cancel
and of course he dint realize something was off and dint ask why
so after a long while i asked why he dint need to know why and yea he said he dint see the need to ask why
woah think i just got madder
madder that it s like that madder that i cant deal with myself
why did i allow myself to heat up like that
its all becoming too familiar and how i hate it when it is like that
so it beginning to feel that im better off by myself
becos im still the same fucking bitch
why am i so princessy
why do i just become angry over small things and when things dont go my way
i felt that his attitude was lousy when i told him to get the dental apptmt
so from then on all things spiraled downwards
obviously he s clueless that im wasnt happy
he went on blabbering abt stuff
so i just canceled our apptmt well excuse was im really tired but more of i just wanted to cancel
and of course he dint realize something was off and dint ask why
so after a long while i asked why he dint need to know why and yea he said he dint see the need to ask why
woah think i just got madder
madder that it s like that madder that i cant deal with myself
why did i allow myself to heat up like that
its all becoming too familiar and how i hate it when it is like that
so it beginning to feel that im better off by myself
becos im still the same fucking bitch
Monday, May 11, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
its not what i think it is is it
its not what i think it is is it
the day started with him messaging if i slept well, told me he dint wanna wake up then the verse of the day. subsequently more msges about his blue day and his lunch. then he asked what i was having for lunch. and "eat somethin even if u have no appetite". well i thought that was sweet. i dont think im overly sensitive but really, will a friend just care so much about his activity buddy??
more text throughout the afternoon. one came in ard 5ish asking if my class has finished. well, i had reached home when i saw that and i thought i will just call him which i did. he sounded surprised and well, was really short <1min but i guess i just wanted to perk him up. a msg came subsequently "U are funny..thank u for the call.." i flirted back and said what funny.. thought i was cute which i honestly thought i was. he replied "....u are so cute!" to which i said "walau its so not convincing" to which he said "Haha no choice la through sms hard to show emotions.. no personal touch but believe me it came deep deep from my heart". well he doesnt really flirt cos i dont think he knows so i do believe what he said. more subsequent text about going for a run tmr which i had said no since he wanted to strengthen his knee in the gym and i said that running on the trackmillwas better for his knees. so i wanted to flirt back to which i said "is your knee better or you want to see me?!..." he replied saying he needed a run, we got to have more run since running out of time (no pun intended from me) and always good to have a company to run with... *EYES ROLLED* so i should just kill myself for flirting like that right??
so how do you conclude this? guess its purely platonic???? am i reading too much into things?? all the msges, all the invites to watch him play golf, soccer, coming by to pick me up to the game and from timbre.... i really dont know how to make out of all the things. they are getting too much for me... really... on my way home just now, i was thinking of how to bring up the topic, want to tell him that i cant take it anymore.. i dont want all the attention he has been giving if he meant it for his activity buddy. i dont work like him.
was breathing so hard while walking home my heart was bleeding too.. why are things so difficult?
the day started with him messaging if i slept well, told me he dint wanna wake up then the verse of the day. subsequently more msges about his blue day and his lunch. then he asked what i was having for lunch. and "eat somethin even if u have no appetite". well i thought that was sweet. i dont think im overly sensitive but really, will a friend just care so much about his activity buddy??
more text throughout the afternoon. one came in ard 5ish asking if my class has finished. well, i had reached home when i saw that and i thought i will just call him which i did. he sounded surprised and well, was really short <1min but i guess i just wanted to perk him up. a msg came subsequently "U are funny..thank u for the call.." i flirted back and said what funny.. thought i was cute which i honestly thought i was. he replied "....u are so cute!" to which i said "walau its so not convincing" to which he said "Haha no choice la through sms hard to show emotions.. no personal touch but believe me it came deep deep from my heart". well he doesnt really flirt cos i dont think he knows so i do believe what he said. more subsequent text about going for a run tmr which i had said no since he wanted to strengthen his knee in the gym and i said that running on the trackmillwas better for his knees. so i wanted to flirt back to which i said "is your knee better or you want to see me?!..." he replied saying he needed a run, we got to have more run since running out of time (no pun intended from me) and always good to have a company to run with... *EYES ROLLED* so i should just kill myself for flirting like that right??
so how do you conclude this? guess its purely platonic???? am i reading too much into things?? all the msges, all the invites to watch him play golf, soccer, coming by to pick me up to the game and from timbre.... i really dont know how to make out of all the things. they are getting too much for me... really... on my way home just now, i was thinking of how to bring up the topic, want to tell him that i cant take it anymore.. i dont want all the attention he has been giving if he meant it for his activity buddy. i dont work like him.
was breathing so hard while walking home my heart was bleeding too.. why are things so difficult?
Sunday, May 03, 2009
activity buddies
feel so happy to see him feel so happy when receiving sms from him feel so happy when he comes to pick me up but somehow all feel like a dream. i dont know what he is thinking cant decipher. he has been a perfect gentleman doesnt try to touch me or get intimate. not that i want that from him but somehow this is the missing piece. so perhaps at the end of it all, he just likes me as an activity buddy and msn buddy. i have to bring myself back to earth. my heart is actually hurting a bit. so its an up and down ride again. i ll be seeing him often so i have to tell myself WE ARE JUST ACTIVITY BUDDIES. its painful.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
im feeling happy
its always a happy feeling around him. strangely he can make me happy and i feel light.. nice
Sunday, April 26, 2009
drifting cloud
i had a fabulous dinner at otto. too bad i dint bring my camera if not, i wld have gone away with many shots of the degustation menu that we had. good stuff. and the red letter boxes at the red dot traffic building... awww that would have made a picture perfect shot.
head to bar stop for drinks with him. so we talked from 9 to almost 3ish after we parted. he probably did most of the talking. cool that we walked from devonshire road to holland village... i dont know what to think. ya i would have to give up my heels if anything goes. its interesting that he s attractive when all the ticks are in the wrong column. is it refreshing that he s a christian boy? is it refreshing that he is all that ive never known?
i need to break away from him for a while. told him not to msg me on monday, i dont know if he ll remember as he said he ll try. luckily the next run will only be on wed or thur so that s give me a few more days to think what the hell is wrong with me.
so many atimes my mind will drift to him when im alone...
head to bar stop for drinks with him. so we talked from 9 to almost 3ish after we parted. he probably did most of the talking. cool that we walked from devonshire road to holland village... i dont know what to think. ya i would have to give up my heels if anything goes. its interesting that he s attractive when all the ticks are in the wrong column. is it refreshing that he s a christian boy? is it refreshing that he is all that ive never known?
i need to break away from him for a while. told him not to msg me on monday, i dont know if he ll remember as he said he ll try. luckily the next run will only be on wed or thur so that s give me a few more days to think what the hell is wrong with me.
so many atimes my mind will drift to him when im alone...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
thurs night
just had my shower and chilling out on my with loud music. its friday tmr, lots to do but well its friday. i ll give myself a break and not be stressed.
grrrrrrr ahhhhhhh its painful =( why is it not easy at all. how to subtract emotions and just be interested in the activity. what does good company mean? im very miserable. i hate myself for being able to conceal things so well. why did i ask if he wants to do it. overdosage of him now and i have to pull myself out of the hole i have dug. literal tighening of the chest. wish it was easier.
sometimes i get lost in the crappiness and laugher and i have to pull myself back because it is not real. well if its real or not, i dont exactly know. i can only think that its not real becos i have to deal with it alone. why cant it be easier. this is the burning question. what did i not do right. why is it so difficult for me.
just had my shower and chilling out on my with loud music. its friday tmr, lots to do but well its friday. i ll give myself a break and not be stressed.
grrrrrrr ahhhhhhh its painful =( why is it not easy at all. how to subtract emotions and just be interested in the activity. what does good company mean? im very miserable. i hate myself for being able to conceal things so well. why did i ask if he wants to do it. overdosage of him now and i have to pull myself out of the hole i have dug. literal tighening of the chest. wish it was easier.
sometimes i get lost in the crappiness and laugher and i have to pull myself back because it is not real. well if its real or not, i dont exactly know. i can only think that its not real becos i have to deal with it alone. why cant it be easier. this is the burning question. what did i not do right. why is it so difficult for me.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
..........
i think it will get better for me the more often we meet up. work is not fun. trying to breathe it all in and not sigh. but sigh, not too happy right. how will it end. how is it going to last. what is there to look forward to. all the stuff outside of work, they are not making me happy. they are prolonging my existence. sounding very depressed. what is wrong? think i rather feel angry and then happy. now im just emotional-less
Friday, April 17, 2009
what s wrong
so why am i missing the chats? why does the heart feel funny? im fine with normal friends right? so screwed up!!! why cant i be stronger?
homecooked food
i havent had meals at home for a week so im missing homecooked food very very badly. so badly that im actually craving for it. marmi is not cooking today sigh. i think im desperate enough to cook something up perhaps. if im not too tired...
sigh its strange to not be talking to him after talking to him constantly. so i have to curb that feeling and be strong. ahhhhhhhhhh get real grace.
sigh its strange to not be talking to him after talking to him constantly. so i have to curb that feeling and be strong. ahhhhhhhhhh get real grace.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
cold turkey
i just need to get over the next few days without msning and i should be fine. cold turkey for now but i think it will help me in the long run.
disappointment
i have been wanting to race out of singapore. actually listed the many possible ones- in phuket, bj, melb. i bugged lb once to let me know if she s going to go this year. she said she ll let me know. i went to cam and came back and had to decide on some dates and text her again. no reply. i took my chance and asked lk and he agreed. good for me. was scrolling through the list of participants today and saw lb's name. i was very disappointed and somewhat betrayed. i think the disappointment was so high that i wanted to cry and would have if im in the low cycle now. well not that it was not expected of her to be so haphazard. i have always felt the friendship to be quite awkward. she s always interested to find out more about what im doing and i ll ask her. i dont think she holds back on what she wants to let me know. maybe she does not sure. i dont know what to say. it is not as if i dint expect her to pull such a stunt but i guess i was still caught off-guard. very disappointment. well no childish act on my part. if we meet there, i ll still say hi. if perhaps leading up to the race, she ll ask me to go run together and i wont say no unless i cant make it. i just know no more faith in this friendship going forward.
Friday, April 10, 2009
nostalgia
i miss hogar belen. not sure what stirred up my heart but i am yearning to see those children again. they taught me humility. life can be that simple yet fragile. how are they doing? i hope that are all well. they have all found favors with God......
angkor wat and children playing with waterim back from my cambodia trip. given my low level of excitement leading up to the trip, i think i reaped quite a fair bit from it.
the initial few days werent that fantastic. somehow getting into the routine of things was doable but i dint get excited. all the paintings were in the morning. painting was therapeautic for me- strokes after strokes, they calmed me, even though my mind was usually a blank sheet of paper. but given that i was in my own space, i enjoyed that. come afternoon, i had to prepare for lessons. well, i know i dont truly enjoy teaching. though i think i did a fair job, it is not my cup of tea. rather, the time spent chilling at the table with the breeze blowing, that was good for my soul. there is no noise, apart from conversations. you only get that when you are in a village, away from all the buzz. i miss that now. even while typing away now, i have itunes on..
meal times were always good. i dint mind the food at all. pretty much the kind of food that i will eat. mostly veggies with minimum meat. and of course my doggie...
perhaps the debriefs at night were the best. doing them in the dark, that was first for me. in exchange for bites, we got the sky blanketed with stars. that was really a gift. the only other time i saw the sky full of stars were in PA during the falling water trip. i dint expect stars on this trip so it was definitely a delightful bonus.
towards the end, i grew accustomed to the days. i appreciate the simplicity life can bring and im glad i can still enjoy such things. perhaps that is what im searching for without myself knowing. i enjoyed having him around. somehow he is the center of attention. i have never liked fighting for such things. i chose to walk away. i think that was what i did during the last dinner. i just walked out saying i wanted to check out the streets. i needed a breather actually. well he came out looking for xy perhaps. im not sure. but the breather did me good.
im not thinking logically now. the ticks do not add up. even if they do, they are on the wrong column of my list. or am i actually alright to settle for something less? probably i will calm down after a few more days and life will be back to a monotonous one, with month-end closings and back-and-forth exchanges with dumb people on the other side of the globe.
the initial few days werent that fantastic. somehow getting into the routine of things was doable but i dint get excited. all the paintings were in the morning. painting was therapeautic for me- strokes after strokes, they calmed me, even though my mind was usually a blank sheet of paper. but given that i was in my own space, i enjoyed that. come afternoon, i had to prepare for lessons. well, i know i dont truly enjoy teaching. though i think i did a fair job, it is not my cup of tea. rather, the time spent chilling at the table with the breeze blowing, that was good for my soul. there is no noise, apart from conversations. you only get that when you are in a village, away from all the buzz. i miss that now. even while typing away now, i have itunes on..
meal times were always good. i dint mind the food at all. pretty much the kind of food that i will eat. mostly veggies with minimum meat. and of course my doggie...
perhaps the debriefs at night were the best. doing them in the dark, that was first for me. in exchange for bites, we got the sky blanketed with stars. that was really a gift. the only other time i saw the sky full of stars were in PA during the falling water trip. i dint expect stars on this trip so it was definitely a delightful bonus.
towards the end, i grew accustomed to the days. i appreciate the simplicity life can bring and im glad i can still enjoy such things. perhaps that is what im searching for without myself knowing. i enjoyed having him around. somehow he is the center of attention. i have never liked fighting for such things. i chose to walk away. i think that was what i did during the last dinner. i just walked out saying i wanted to check out the streets. i needed a breather actually. well he came out looking for xy perhaps. im not sure. but the breather did me good.
im not thinking logically now. the ticks do not add up. even if they do, they are on the wrong column of my list. or am i actually alright to settle for something less? probably i will calm down after a few more days and life will be back to a monotonous one, with month-end closings and back-and-forth exchanges with dumb people on the other side of the globe.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
some thoughts
somehow no urge to blog since i moved home. i have been scribbling some random thoughts in my journal but that s about it. perhaps life back home is less exciting. wake up, go to work, come home after work for homecooked food, tv, sleep, wake up...
am i happier? i met up w yx on friday and she asked me if given a chance now to go back to nyc, would i do it? i dint say yes in a heartbeat.. i struggled to give her an answer. not sure but there are some holdbacks now. there is a time and place for everything. i am glad i spent the last few years away from home. i would do it all over again, given im still 25. but now that the big 3 is looming, somehow, i dont want to go back and lead such a bachelorette lifestyle. i mean, the nyc lifestyle, how much longer can it sustain me? hard work, brunches, fine dining, operas, walking the streets, ... im not sure if i would go back now. i mean, yes back to that kind of lifestyle and then, what s next? play for a few good years and head back home again?? doesnt make much sense right?...
talking to these people who have since returned from nyc, i think most are happy they are fetching a higher salary than would have been possible if they had not left the country. im happy for them but i dont want to busk in such delight like them. i dont think its sustainable.
the other drama unfolding with the gf. bad vibes about her from day 1. its not personal i think. just that she s complete opposite from me i think. and i question her ability to treat my parents (very) well. im over-protective of my parents. i cant imagine her living under the same roof as us because that would mean my parents have to cover all the extra housework. i dont trust her to know how to do or even want to do??! damn the situation. why cant it be like a fairy tale where there is no drama only peace and calm and love all around.
am i happier? i met up w yx on friday and she asked me if given a chance now to go back to nyc, would i do it? i dint say yes in a heartbeat.. i struggled to give her an answer. not sure but there are some holdbacks now. there is a time and place for everything. i am glad i spent the last few years away from home. i would do it all over again, given im still 25. but now that the big 3 is looming, somehow, i dont want to go back and lead such a bachelorette lifestyle. i mean, the nyc lifestyle, how much longer can it sustain me? hard work, brunches, fine dining, operas, walking the streets, ... im not sure if i would go back now. i mean, yes back to that kind of lifestyle and then, what s next? play for a few good years and head back home again?? doesnt make much sense right?...
talking to these people who have since returned from nyc, i think most are happy they are fetching a higher salary than would have been possible if they had not left the country. im happy for them but i dont want to busk in such delight like them. i dont think its sustainable.
the other drama unfolding with the gf. bad vibes about her from day 1. its not personal i think. just that she s complete opposite from me i think. and i question her ability to treat my parents (very) well. im over-protective of my parents. i cant imagine her living under the same roof as us because that would mean my parents have to cover all the extra housework. i dont trust her to know how to do or even want to do??! damn the situation. why cant it be like a fairy tale where there is no drama only peace and calm and love all around.
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